“The Biggest And Most Powerful Artificial Stationary Surfing Wave In The World.”

The wave pool revolution is in full swing and yet another competitor has tossed its hat in the ring.

The Unit Surf Pool, conceived by a German company of course, is the latest take on the stationary wave.

While the science behind it seems to be slightly different, the ride looks awful similar to what’s on offer on various cruise ships and at numerous water parks around the world.

What makes the Unit truly different is that it floats, using a series of powerful impellers to suck water off the bottom and blast it down a ramp where, through the magic of fluid dynamics, it becomes something resembling a river wave.

It looks damn fun, spiritual kin to other off-brand offshoots—freestyle skateboarding and flatground BMX.

It’s similarly boring to watch, at least until they dial in boards and start doing flip tricks.

Then it’ll be exciting for a moment. Then boring again, once we’ve become accustomed to it.

My boss, Sam Mcintosh, is a fan. “Imagine sunset afternoons shredding this in a river or lake?” Sam wrote this AM. “Gotta be better than the 10-day hyped Californian groundswell that landed pitifully this morning.”

I can imagine waking from a stupor in my sex grotto, scrubbing the scent of debauchery from my hands and face, then strolling down to my boat house, where I’d hit the switch on my Unit, before motoring my luxury pontoon boat out to where the standing wave sits, anchored in the center of my private lake.

“Rad cutback!” my hangers-on would squeal, well aware that it takes a constant stream of ego-stroking to keep my largesse flowing. “You should go pro,” they’d claim, sipping on sparkling wine and supping on caviar laden toast points. “We’ve never seen anything like it!”

I’d bask in their empty praise, then lie awake each night tortured by the knowledge that their shallow approval is utterly meaningless. If only I hadn’t parlayed my cryptocurrency fortune into a worldwide emu ranching empire. Only then could I know with certainty that people truly cared for me.

The plebs would be able to play on them as well, though not within the sanctity of my property. The Unit’s claim of “Low Energy Usage” means the apparatus is within financial reach of any company that runs on standing water. The first of which is Wasserski Langenfeld, a cable driven German wakeboarding facility.

It should be mentioned that the term “Low Energy Usage” seems employed in the comparative sense. Its stated use of “less than 340KW of energy per hour” becomes less impressive when that number is put in perspective. The average home in Hawaii where I live, and where I could most easily find numbers on electricity consumption, is 544 kWh. This means that running the pool for two hours consumes more than enough energy to power my home for a month.

Hardly “green.”

But even at my state’s insane rate of $.33 per kWh it would cost a mere $112.20 per hour to operate. Doubled and split among numerous customers it shouldn’t be too difficult to swing a profit.

Toss a bar alongside, selling overpriced booze and other concessions, and any savvy entrepreneur should be able to rake in the dough.