Stab Recommends: Bangkok

Whenever I write about products it tends to be… problematic. Both for those in charge of turning a profit from this site as well as those who are forced to deal with my outraged messages and phone calls when decisions made above my pay grade slightly affect what I’ve written.

But I think we’ll be okay this time. No advertisers, potential or actual, are mentioned. It’s unlikely the home office will need to deal with any potential lawsuits, nor will I become the recipient of any rage-inducing threats sent via Instagram by pussy-ass team riders emboldened by the fact that I’m thousands of miles away and that they’ll likely never need to actually back up their words.

They also go well with a puka shell necklace.

Elephant pants

Pair them with a Chang tank top and a street corner woven bracelet that reads ‘eat my jizz fucker’ to let everyone know that you’re a true world traveler.

Plump Danish twenty-something not included. Unfortunately.

Toasties

Yeah, the country is full of amazing food at rock bottom prices. But, sometimes, you just need a bit of crispy grilled cheese-esque goodness. Like when it’s 5am, the street vendors are wrapping up for the night, it looks like the chubby bit of early-twenties euro-goodness you’ve been chatting up is down to roll the dice and come back to your hotel room, and you desperately need to put something in your stomach to soak up some booze if you want any hope of coaxing your dick into a semi-tumescent state.

Don’t mix it with booze, stupid.

Bootleg Tramadol

Hit up the nearest sketchy independent pharmacy for all your crippling hangover reduction needs. Just don’t get caught slipping. Thai cops don’t fuck around and, best case scenario, you’re draining your travel fund to take care of a ridiculously large ‘fine.’

Firmly function over fashion. Lugging a heavy backpack around is for dumb-ass kids.

Any brand of roller bag

They don’t tell the world, “I’m on a Gap year! Watch me sweat and struggle as I lug my worldly possessions around on my back like some fucked up beast of burden.” But they’re more comfortable than, fit nearly as much gear as, and cost a fraction of the amount that the standard giant-fucking-hiking backpack does.

It’s middle-aged gear, for sure. But, guess what, young ‘uns? Part of being old is getting some of your shit figured out. So while you’re dying in the sun as you attempt to maneuver yourself through a packed crowd the rest of us are happily dragging out stuff behind us. Through puddles and filth and whatever else this wonderful world decides to throw our way.

Shave that mass of sweaty pubes off your face. You don’t look rugged. You just look awful.

Shaving cream and a razor

That awful tangle of face pubes you call a beard doesn’t make you look dashing and worldly. It makes you look like greasy sweaty garbage. And cut your hair. White kids with dreads are beyond awful.

If I could have sex with the bottle I’d marry it.

Heinz Thai Chili Sauce

It kills me that I can’t find this stuff in the US. Sweet, garlicky, with a touch of heat—it’s firmly ranked in the top two of delicious mass-produced sauces (alongside Lizano.)