SPF: A Special US Open Edition

The 2019 US Open of Surfing may have been the tamest in the history of not only surfing but also the US and an openness to making bad decisions that have consequences with varying degrees of severity. 

This could be for a number of reasons. Maybe it’s HB getting wealthier. Maybe it’s because they don’t give free stuff away on the beach anymore and so everyone went to a monster truck rally instead. Maybe it’s surf culture evolving and leaving its degenerate side in the past. 

I have another theory. 

Years ago, teenagers would walk the beach with Latin phrases written in marker on their bodies. Stuff like “cum dumpster” which means “with dumpster” and “sit on my face” which means “I have only had sex twice.” When they would cross paths, Sparks would fly. Sparks is a brand of cheap sugary alcoholic beverage that used to contain significant amounts of caffeine — which was made illegal in Obama’s America. 

 

My theory is that these people got drunk off Sparks and procreated and now they’re still at the US Open (never truly left mentally) and bring their US Open babies now. A family event indeed. But that’s not to say the debauchery is over. 

Years from now, the kids will discover Sublime and feel the angst that birthed them and they will swarm the US Open — cum dumpster and sine (without) parents. See you in 2026. 

Onto the rankings. 

#69 Jesus Guy 

I only made it like two minutes into that video. Say what you will about his preaching method, but we’re here to talk surfing not salvation and this guy is way behind the times as a surf journalist — haven’t seen someone call every woman at a surf contest a lesbian since 2004. 

#33 The WSL 

The QS is known to be a place of sadness, despair and great suffering. And this year, the WSL changed the women’s event from a CT to a QS. Pretty bad look to be nearly 100 years behind the times and finally getting behind the women’s suffrage movement. 

#28 The ISA 

Love seeing them hold an event at the same time as the US Open and therefore taking the initiative of ensuring that anybody who qualifies for the Olympics through their organization will be an absolute fucking walk-through for anyone who qualifies through the WSL. Power moves only. 

 

#23 Brett Simpson 

Remember Tour Notes in its early days? Brett Simpson was the hero we all deserved — but he was not the hero we need in the WSL commentating booth. It’s crazy how some of the best personalities turn to stone in there. It’s the curse of the headset folks. 

#19 Dylan Lightfoot 

Given the forecast, it may have seemed like a good call to roll into this event with a last name like this. But people forget that Mark Occhuilipo won this event back-to-back times in the 80s. The people who rioted remember it, mostly because they weren't pussyfooted.  

#14 Adriano de Souza 

Seeing him back at a QS event makes everything feel so right. It’s like the end of a classic rom-com movie. I’m not crying, you’re crying — but Adriano is also crying because that’s called passion.

#13 Jorgann Couzinet 

Speaking of Adriano, is it a coincidence that both Jorgann and the word protégé are French? Jorgann is the WQS warrior of this generation. He embodies the spirit of the QS through and through. When he either dies or qualifies — the only two ways a true warrior can go — they will erect statues of him upon the sands of Cornwall, Sebastian Inlet, Port Stephens, and Ubutaba.

#12 Weslley Dantas 

Speaking of Ubatuba, Weslley made a heat or two but he just wasn’t Wiggolly enough for a run deep into the event. 

#9 Griffin Colapinto 

You know times have changed when this is the most celebrated mounting of the week. For reference: 

#7 Duct Tape 

I’ve been a longtime advocate of longboards — for people like me, nothing feels as good as getting the toes up on that nose. So pure. Justin Quintal won the Duct Tape for like the fifteenth time, which pretty much makes him the Kelly Slater of not trying or whatever. 

#5 Liam O’Brien 

I feel like his name alone allows him to surf for Ireland, which is pretty cool considering he would have never even dreamt of competing in the Olympics when he won his first World Title in 1975. 

#4 Yago Dora 

It’s crazy to think about what surfing’s other famous Dora would think about such a commercialized representation of the sport. In other words, it must be an interesting week for processing the victory for Leandro “The Super Coach” Dora, who has always been in it for the love.   

#3 Jimmicane 

World Champion photographer Jimmicane spent the entire week in horrible sunglasses with a flaming henna tattoo on his lower waist. He’s like a tribal elder who passes on traditions to the younger generation, whether they like it or not. Eventually, the US Open will be disgusting again and the Hungtington Beach library will be named after him. 

#2 Caitlyn Simmers 

That turn she did was sick and her Instagram bio reads “I’m really not an athlete.” That’s as core as it gets. 

#1 Italo Ferreira 

The mainstream media might tell you that he didn’t even compete, but a closer look shows us that the entire field at the US Open couldn’t compete. Congrats on the win. 

Miguel Pupo Of The Event Award 

Miguel Pupo

Golden Retriever of the event award 

Sage Erickson 

Conspiracy Theory Of The Event 

The CJ VS Damo classic heat was actually the WSL’s idea and they’re using it not only to make themselves seem like the good guys when they allow it but also to please the Orange County coastal elites because the only other Brother they have on the CT can’t seem to win an event on his own this year.  

Meditation Of The Event 

Namaste.