Stab Magazine | Is Neymar Jr Ruining Gabriel Medina’s Chance At The World Title?

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Is Neymar Jr Ruining Gabriel Medina’s Chance At The World Title?

The short answer is yes. The long answer is the latest SPF Rankings.

style // Nov 6, 2018
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 5 minutes

This column is not a place for speculation. It is a home for facts.

Which is why I can say, with full certainty, that Neymar might be the sole reason Gabriel Medina loses the World Title this year.

For the uninitiated, Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior, also known as Neymar Jr, also known as Neymar, also known as a close personal friend of Gabriel Medina’s, is a professional soccer player. And for a man who has literally made a career out of kicking balls, it shouldn’t surprise you to learn that he showed up at the 2018 Rip Curl Oi Meo Pro The Search Portugal and hung out with Italo Ferreira.

The end of the caption directly translates to “Be jealous not Gabriel Medina.”

Italo is literally telling his 300k followers that it is better to be jealous than it is to be Gabriel Medina — a shot across the bow if I’ve ever seen one.

No wonder he then dropped a 9.3 with three minutes left in their semifinal heat to prevent Gabriel from making the final.

And Neymar is clearly at fault.

Look at him, wearing a Lebron James Lakers jersey — Lebron stole the #23 from Jordy Smith by the way. Classic bandwagon fan. Pele would have just picked a side and went with it… just saying. 

Anyway, onto the rankings.

#69 The Forecasters

Bad look to over-hype a surf forecast for the WSL — an organization that has never once been accused of fluffing numbers.  

Screen Shot 2018 10 25 at 9.14.29 PM

#28 Dirk Logan’s Contacts  

According to Oprah, Dirk Logan met God in Fiji. This relationship could prove to be both good and bad for the WSL in the future. This could mean they get Morgan Freeman to replace one of the commentators.

But on the other hand, God might pull some weird take back rule on all those Mikey Wright wildcards in some sort of a Cain and Abel-esque misunderstanding.

SetRatioSizeWyI2MzUiLCI4OTYiXQ Screen Shot 2018 04 09 at 4.01.11 PM

#23 Adriano de Souza

Did he lose his Mr. Sexy glasses?

I haven’t seen them since the early season and now he’s in 17th place. Coincidence? Doubtful.

#22 Griffin Colapinto

He’s got an absurd amount of talent. He’s got a good coach. He’s got everything it takes to be contending for a World Title and yet he’s in 20th place while fellow rookie Wade Carmichael is in the Top 10.

All those comparisons to Kolohe are starting to become way too accurate.  

#15 Joan Duru

Reporting misinformation has long been a pillar of surf journalism. I carried on this tradition in the last edition of SPF when I said Joan Duru was the lowest ranked surfer to compete in all events when in reality that was Keanu Asing.

Then Joan got second in Portugal.

Folks, this means we have a new SPF Christmas tradition. I will put one bit of false information in each installment as a means of creating luck for the surfer I lied about. Guarantee it works.

#13 Guadeloupe’s Own Thomas Debierre

Halloween was won by Guadeloupe’s Own Thomas Debierre. His Bede Durbidge costume is one of best I have ever seen.

#11 Charlie Medina

Surfing, much like golf, is said to be a mind game.

This recent WSL documentary shows why Coach Charlie is a force to be reckoned with.

#10 Ace Buchan

The World is in perfect balance when Ace Buchan is ranked 15th place in the world. Don’t believe me? Just look outside. The sun will be shining. Birds will be chirping. A warm, gentle breeze will be blowing and the entire universe will be existing in absolute harmony.

I legit think it would stop climate change if he could find a way to stay in exactly 15th for 5 – 10 years straight.

#8 Everybody near 10th Place

Nobody will remember whether Michel Bourez finished 10th or 11th on the CT this year. Except for Michel Bourez. And the people who write his contract. Keep a sneaky eye on the Top 10 at Pipe, because it means a lot.

The only one that stings here is Wade Carmichael as the only thing Piping Hot incentivizes is a free $150 AUD gift card to Target.

SetRatioSizeWyI2MzUiLCI4OTYiXQ JORDOMETER

#6 Jordy Smith

In the inaugural edition of the SPF rankings earlier this year, we designed an algorithm to track Jordy, the perennial World Title contender, through a year. Then he got 13th in the first four events and it was put on hold.

While the World Title is mathematically out of his reach this year, I would still bump the meter up to the Good but needs 3 more Red Bulls range for good measure.

Nathan

#5 Kelly Slater

Still think he’s going to come back just to shake up the World Title at Pipe? The only way it’ll work is if he doesn’t ever have to look Nathan Florence in the eyes.

Reptile

#4 Italo Ferreira

He’s either the most entertaining surfer on the CT or a reptilian shape-shifter. Potentially both.

Mountain Bike 1

#2 Julian Wilson

The WSL seems to be struggling to create a World Title storyline around him. They either need to go all in on some sort of a race war angle or just say that he started his season battling an injury sustained while mountain biking. (Which might actually be the same thing.)

That said, he’s the favorite if The Pipe Masters is proper.

#3 Gabriel Medina

If Julian really wants to win the World Title, he’ll hire Glenn Hall as a coach and have him tell Gabriel Medina to fuck himself before a heat at Pipe Masters. If history has taught us anything, it’s that saying, “I love you” doesn’t work.

This scenario seems unlikely though, so Gabriel will probably win.

ivSngZ6 1

#1 Filipe Toledo

Based off his procreational tendencies, it has already been proven that he’s got a real set of balls on him. Will he put them to use at Pipe? If he pulls in deep enough, he could create a legacy here — something that carries the Toledo name on.

I’m all in on it.

Screen Shot 2018 03 19 at 18.34.36 PM

Grinder of the event award in loving memory of Bede Durbidge

Al Hunt

Screen Shot 2018 10 25 at 9.54.04 PM

Meditation Of The Event

Namaste

Industry

Conspiracy Theory Of The Event

The surf industry is actually controlled by Saudi Arabian elites who rely on your insistence to travel for waves in order to fund sexual escapades with Instagram models.

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