How To Purchase Sunglasses On The Internet, Safely

Few things are more maddening than plugging in your card details, waiting two weeks, and opening a package of ill-fitting shades. Instead, after sighing in the mirror, cursing your nose, cheek bones and the model they looked so damn hot on, you decide, they must be returned. But, instead, the next day you perch them on your crooked beak. Your overtly critical, and sometimes downright mean friends pound you, your face, and those stupid frames to a pulp. You then proceed to banish them into the drawer of misfit sunnies where they will never fulfil their purpose. 

We along with SurfStitch have put together this guide to teach safe sunglass selection for every man (or woman) ready to make an impulse buy. There’s an art to choosing frames that suit your head, no matter your symmetry. We invite you to lend these unlikely ambassadors a minute of your (surely) busy schedule. 

Ray-Ban, Round 50 – Ambassador, Larry David.

The Round 50 are only a slight variation from Larry’s go to frames. I’d like to think these would be the shades he’d opt for if he were to step aboard a yacht and complain about the entire experience. Mr David carries a polished globe and an oval face. A face that suits any style he desires – plus, he is LD. If you’re a proud narcissistic with a penchant for shattering people’s feelings, try some gold framed Ray-Bans with envy green lenses. Click here to view:

Epokhe, Candys – Ambassador, Robert De Niro. 

The Candys may not have booted the aviator shades in the film Taxi Driver but they certainly sit comfortably on Travis Bickle (aka De Niro). The Taxi Driver carries a stegosaurus spine up top with all over stubble – a menacing look that hides a softer oblong dome. The combo of horizontal frames and wavvy features, worn presumably in blood red, is a combo as fierce as it is divine.  Click here to view:

Pared Eyewear, Camels and Caravans – Ambassador, Keith Richards.

The oval, is the most sunglass accessible face in the human genome, and Mr Richards happens to own it. Round frames, aviators, wayfarers or rectangular styles all sit attractively atop his nose. If you share this gift, wouldn’t you too want to bounce around with some overtly extravagant numbers. Pared Eyewear have split tortoise shell with clear frames, added a top bar feature and thrown gold embellishments in as well. A life as decadent as Keith Richards deserves frames that squeal excess in the reflection. Click here to view:

Crap Eyewear, Cosmic Highway – Ambassador, Roy Orbison.

Roy was gifted with velvet vocals, and a rugged mug… Though, without mention it’s not a notable issue for Mr Orbison, thanks to a fine choice of frames. Crap Eyewear’s Cosmic shades work in favour of a boxy headed gentlemen. Take a free lesson from Roy, wear them clean shaven with a pompadour-inspired quiff and if timing permits, they’ll dress down a formal attire nicely. Click here to view:

Oakley, Holbrook – Ambassador, Ninja.

Now, after a quick google image search on Ninja (one half of Die Antwoord) it’s clear that he’s a true fan of Oakley’s shades. Particularly the baseball inspired frames you often see in a Kolohe post-heat interview. Although, he could use a little of Stab’s advice. The Holbrook’s sit inside your face outline giving Ninja’s diamond mug an oval appearance. A fine way to soften a man with an affinity for Pink Floyd boxers and homegrown tats. Click here to view:

Raen, Flatscreen by Al Knost – Ambassador, Anna Wintour.

The most obvious similarity between Al and Anna is that lucious bob. And, a similar taste in frames. Big. Wide. Eyes hidden. Very high fash. Whether they like it or not, they’re both influential in the fashion department. Al’s made your shorts shorter, your boards lose a fin (or two), and your 70’s wardrobe appropriate. As for Anna, well just ask your girl. Here’s a tip for the Flatscreens – If you find yourself repeating stories in group setting, or perching atop chairs demanding attention, steer clear of these shades. Influencers only. Click here to view:

Epokhe, Lev – Ambassador, Terry Richardson.

Terry, for all the wrong reasons, has been quite busy in the press. While we don’t condone his lurid behaviour we can’t deny the man understands his face. Years of selfies have taught Mr Richardson what works. A heart shaped head, large beak and receding hairline come in second to rimless silver frames and yellow tinted lenses; one’s clear enough that your innapropiate stares won’t go unnoticed. Click here to view: