Stab Magazine | How I Learned To Stop Caring And Love The Performance Log

Live Now: Chapter 11 Mini-Documentary With Dane Reynolds

1668 Views

How I Learned To Stop Caring And Love The Performance Log

“Do I look ridiculous as I wind up off the bottom on my 9’0, trying my damnedest to blow the fins out the back?  Absolutely. Do I care? Not one tiny bit.”

style // Feb 10, 2018
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Because of my deep, unabashed adoration of high performance longboards—perhaps the most hated of all actual surfboards—I was asked to throw a few snowballs back at Buckley’s Opinion piece.  

“No problem,” I told our Longboarder in Chief. “I’m on it!”

It’s important to come across as excited and engaged when dealing with your editor. Postpones the day they’ll eventually think, “Why, exactly, are we still paying this idiot?”

The problem is, there’s no real rebuttal. It’s true, all of it. High performance longboarding is compensating, cheating, etc. It’s slower and easier and boring to watch in all but the very best hands.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsZ3y_CuAOw

But isn’t that always the case?

Like sex, surfing feels great. But if you’ve ever sat through poorly lit footage of your own humping, truly… it’s shocking how shameful it looks.

Reality never approaches fantasy. It can’t. We live our lives in our heads, delusion and perception the only things making most days palatable.

Awkward wriggling and pumping, ass in the air, aiming for an open face, attempting to bury a rail while barely getting it wet—for all surfers, long and short, the only things that matter are sensation, imagination, and whatever personal lies you can swallow in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

https://player.vimeo.com/video/118530981

Do I look ridiculous as I wind up off the bottom on my 9’0, trying my damnedest to blow the fins out the back? Absolutely.  

Do I care? Not one tiny bit.

If you aren’t getting paid, your ability is irrelevant.

I’m a try-hard who’s given up. I want to feel like I’m ripping, but I’m no longer willing to earn it. I could hit the gym, drop the weight, head to yoga thrice weekly and coax my joints back toward flexibility, dust off a thruster that won’t sink up to my…  

But I won’t. Because it’d be all hard work and commitment, with no fun to be found.

I see your looks. I hear your grumbles. As I stroke through the lineup after grabbing a set out the back, I’m aware you’re angry, frustrated—that you snowballed that section intentionally.  

But I don’t care, I’m having fun. The time of my life, actually.

And I won’t ever go back.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/xwM0SW_LdbY

It’s taken me a lifetime to realize, we’re all terrible. We watch our best and brightest push boundaries and imagine it can be us.

But it can’t be, won’t be. No matter how hard we try.

The average surfer’s session, worldwide, is awash in blown sections, stinkbug bottom turns, bogged cutbacks.

Floaters are awkward, airs are fly-aways.  

You don’t flow on your mini-Simmons, you can’t carve on your fish.

 

Hop hop hopping across fat sections, praying for a bit of wall that’ll help you generate speed. It’s pure masochism.

Empty bravado.

https://player.vimeo.com/video/123383354

I rode a shortboard for most of my life because I was more interested in my surfing looking cool than feeling good. Countless sessions wasted in pursuit of the rare magic moments where muscle memory and blind luck would appear in tandem.

The day I stopped caring was one of the best of my life.

Those who can remain fit, continue to rip, well into middle age?  You’ve got my respect, and I love you dearly.  You’re a rare breed, and one I encourage the world to emulate.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/M1Gy_G6hxg8

I’ll stick with my log and when the wife asks, “How was your session?” I’ll tell her the truth.

“It was amazing. I did the best turn of my life.”

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Pittar’d And Feathered

Do the WSL judges deserve the internet's wrath? We asked the man of the hour.

Mar 28, 2024

Robbo, Pickles, And Tyler Wright Become The Underdogs Breakfast At Uninspiring Winkipop

The foreboding blade sharpens and inconsistent judging prevails on Day Two in Torquay.

Mar 27, 2024

“I Don’t Always Win Heats, But When I Do, I Try To Beat John John”

Slater shines and the axe begins its descent on Day 01 at Bells.

Mar 26, 2024

Back Against The Wall: The Ramzi Boukhiam Redemption

Morocco's first CT surfer on speaking six languages, having no coach, and snatching Fil Toledo's…

Mar 25, 2024

Will Kirra, Babies or JJF Stop a GOAT Winning at Bells?

Bluesky BOAG advice from a Superman specialist and former Trials winner.

Mar 25, 2024

Bells Preview: The WSL’s Victorian Sword Dancing Equinox Ritual

Will a Brazilian crack the Top 10 at Bells?

Mar 25, 2024

69 Shin Bones Later + the Anticlimactic State of Big Wave Record-Breaking

Lucas Chumbo might have surfed the biggest wave ever this year. But how will we…

Mar 23, 2024

Watch: ‘Fresh and Fried’ Ft the Quik Kids

How taxing is it to tackle the Gold Coast’s Triple Crown in a single day,…

Mar 23, 2024

The Popular Vote: The People’s Stab In The Dark With Kolohe Andino Champion

Which board looked best — to you —under Kolohe's talons?

Mar 22, 2024

João Chianca Opens Up About His Brain Injury, Rehabilitation, And Targeted Return To Competition  

"I don't just want to be the same surfer that I was. I don't even…

Mar 21, 2024

Six Key Learnings From Portugal

Three CT events in, what do we know? 

Mar 21, 2024

‘Zipper’ Is Going On Tour, Here’s Where You Can Watch It  

Dates, times + locations for the Venice, Encinitas, Sydney + Byron premieres.  

Mar 20, 2024

Dane Reynolds On His Future, His Past, And Chapter 11’s Raison D’être

Our 9-minute plunge into the collective psyche of Ventura's pillar(s).

Mar 20, 2024

From ‘Blue Ribbon Cross Country Runner’ to Vogue – How Steph Again Is Back With A Rip Curl Remix

Everything we know about the she-GOATs sponsorship boomerang.

Mar 18, 2024

Stab Interview: Darren Handley Explains Why You Can’t Buy The Winning Stab In The Dark Model

And his decades-long standoff with Slater.

Mar 17, 2024

Griff Embraces Portugal’s Eternal Time Loop To Vanquish Medina + Ewing, Defay Delays The Inevitable

A redeeming closing act at Supertubos.

Mar 16, 2024

The Secret Behind Lungi Slabb’s Inconceivable Greenmount Funnel

Six broken boards, one leaking forehead, and five days of Superbank mysticism.

Mar 16, 2024

Cheat Codes: A Million Miles Worth Of Travel Advice From Coco Ho

Hard-earned wisdom from more than 2,000 hours in the troposphere.

Mar 15, 2024
Advertisement