Stab Magazine | Dead poor person
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Dead poor person

1. Don’t cry like a pussy. Laugh like you meant to do it and say something like, “Did you know that these poor motherfuckers actually totally fuck with the environment? They don’t know how to filter their sewage and they litter all over the place.Killing this guy is probably the best thing we could have […]

style // Feb 22, 2016
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

1. Don’t cry like a pussy. Laugh like you meant to do it and say something like, “Did you know that these poor motherfuckers actually totally fuck with the environment? They don’t know how to filter their sewage and they litter all over the place.Killing this guy is probably the best thing we could have done for the environment.”

2. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. Poor, backwater countries don’t have decent police forces or CSI teams so you don’t really need to know crime scene purification or anything. Like, no need to wear a hairnet and latex gloves.

3. Get to work. If you don’t have a circular saw or hacksaw get creative. For example, the radiator of a car can be easily dismantled and converted to multiple make-shift cutting objects. Also, most Third World pricks carry machetes, so look in the bushes and see if your Third World prick tossed his during the death throes.

4. Start with the legs. Sawing through the femur is tough work and you’ll need all your energy for this. No use tiring out on the soft tissue of the neck. Blood will totally gush out of the femoral artery but if you feel worried re-reference (2). Once you are through the bone and muscle tissue, remove the leg entirely from the body and swing the leg against a tree or rock until the knee hyperextends. This should loosen the tibia and fibula enough to separate the lower leg from the upper leg. Rad! Now you have two pieces of leg. Make little shallow graves near the road and bury those fuckers.

5. More or less repeat with the arms. If you don’t feel like cutting through bone just pop the shoulders out of socket and saw the tendons. Arms are easy. And if you want to make it look like a gangland slaying then chop the finger-tips off. It’s hot and you want to surf so forget digging holes and just throw the arms in the bushes.

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