Stab Magazine | "Wade Carmichael In His Wookie Year"

“Wade Carmichael In His Wookie Year”

Edition 121. 

style // Feb 10, 2018
Words by Jake Embrey
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Another week flys on by and the comments just keep rolling on in. 

We had an action packed week filled with WSL x Hawaiian turmoil, the demise of the love for longboarding, Wookie’s on tour, the Volcom Pipe Pro and its underdogs and “The Other Guys” commentary, all of which were littered with the occasionally comical, venomous verbosity all arising below the by-line. 

I’m exhausted from a week of surfing couches, Huskers is buggered from a week of Disqus sniffing, regardless, we now present to you the week’s worst. 

I’m sorry for the brevity of my non-sensical descriptions too, but my withering laptop is on 30% and i’m way too lazy to walk into another room to plug this old-gal into a power point. 



10. Six Summer Personas With Six Trunks To Match

Co 10 2

Here we have Capn Birdseye, who you may remember from frozen fish commercials, who now spends the majority of time online after getting the flick many moons ago. Here the Captain points out an obvious flaw in the sketch and stereotypical description combo in this piece. He has however saved us many laborious hours in the future, next time you can expect a couple of screenshots accompanied with a detailed product description.



9. Kolohe, Griff & Carissa Get …Lost At The Wavegarden

co 9

The WSL used to ban those who competed in events such as Red Bull Cape Fear, therefore, this seems like the only logical step! You can’t acid drop into Kelly’s pool though, and as Noz Deane knows, acid drops are cool. Either way i’d be content with being able to surf any wavepool, because i’m not quite sure whether Western Sydney’s piss pond quite cuts it. 


8. Has Surfing Lost Its Wild Touch?

C0 8

The question which has been taunting the minds of philosophers and scientists since the days of Socrates. Thus far, no qualitative distinction has been made, other than the fact that the word “vibe” sounds much trendier than its more descriptive counterpart, “energy”. 


7. Ryan Burch And Volcom Collide For An Experiment In Attire

Co 7 2

Oh Wiggs, how you never fail to disappoint. I’m not exactly sure what you look like, but this fertile explanation has me conjuring up a whole range of visual delights. If that red rash is persistent though, you may want to consider getting it checked out, pinning it down to trunk chafe isn’t always your best bet. 


6. Six Summer Personas With Six Trunks To Match

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The correct term is ‘Frescobol’ as my best friend Google has informed me. You’re in luck though Mr. Wing, as I believe SurfStitch are currently in talks with their South American correspondents and should be stocking these dick-stickers just in time for the frigid winter months. Also, tell me what’s wrong with doing it with your mates, how are you going to find out who the ‘two pump chump’ is without a little camaraderie in the bedroom.  


5. Richie Porta Replaced By Pritamo Ahrendt As WSL Head Judge

co 8

Pritamo –> Prtao –> Porta. You may be onto something here Axel, but hey, at least we know the new head judge is capable of holding his line through a backside tunnel. 


4. The WSL And Hawaii Bid ‘Aloha.’ Or, The Unfortunate Misadventures Of Sophie Goldschmidt

co 9

Poor Filipe, he even took on a mid-sized day at Waimea and he’s still copping it from us low-lifes below who aren’t even capable of setting a line across a two-foot burger. Seriously though, I think Occ Topus is right, I don’t know what I’m going to look forward to around the festive season if the WSL disappears, it certainly isn’t overcrowded family lunches and an Xmas domestic across the road. 

3. The WSL And Hawaii Bid ‘Aloha.’ Or, The Unfortunate Misadventures Of Sophie Goldschmidt

co 10

To be honest, we should be thankful for a non-surfing WSL CEO, imagine how late the applications would’ve been had she being getting slotted this whole time – surfers aren’t known for their punctuality. At least we can now focus on what’s really important, the bodyboarding Pipeline contest and Clark Little frolicking in the Keiki shorey.  

2. Profile: Avoca’s Blue Collar Underdog, Wade Carmichael

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Wade-o doesn’t currently have a nickname, but the old public indecency violator, ‘nob out nigel’, has provided him with the goods prior to Snapper. If we ever hear Wade “Wookie” Carmichael being dropped from the WSL commentary booth, we know who to thank.

P.s. For future reference, Nige, it’s actually spelt ‘knob’.


1. Is The Hawaiian Leg Of The World Tour Under Threat?

Co 1

The only thing better than seeing someone get slammed on a second reef bomb, is seeing someone get their head slammed into the sand and flogged to smithereens up towards the carpark. First the NRL lost it, then the surfing world tour, bring back the biff! 


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