“Kim John John Il Still Pissed He Didn’t Win Pipe”

We’re now considerably into 2018 and as expected the majority of you have returned from your holidays and are probably back at the daily work grind – where you avoid your boss’ overarching gaze to comment upon this very site. Despite a few complaints about this ‘weekly re-cap’ format, I’m going to do it anyway, just in case you missed something from the last seven days of drama (or alternatively I’m out of novel ideas).

Hawaii provided us with some early action, though, unusually it wasn’t 10ft backdoor bombs making headlines – it was a missile threat. It scared the shit out of everyone on the Hawaiian Islands including Morgan who woke up in a hungover stupor on a blow-up mattress atop Pupukea. Thankfully, it was all a false alarm and the only damage it caused was an increase in laundered undies over the weekend.

The Da Hui backdoor shootout gave us some much more positive Hawaiian viewing, which took place in prime Pipe conditions which eventually granted Jamie O’Brien the winner and “fourty” thousand in coin.

Over on Maui, Jaws received a battering of slightly over-hyped swell which managed to provide a surplus of beatdowns; according to Albee, it also brought with it an overabundance of non-rescue skis, photographers and dudes who just simply shouldn’t be out there. In other big wave news, we were allowed a digital peephole into the life of Joâo de Macedo – a dude who surfs very big waves.

In the land of interweb clips we saw a hopefully not ‘homeless’, Jacob Wilcox, Matt Hoy tore apart some blue Indonesian walls, Oliver Kurtz hates police and his ankles, and Mr Knox surfed better than half the CT on a bonzer! We also saw the release of Torren Martyn’s newest clip, featuring some stylish sliding as well as some not so serene experiences with an unexpected acquaintance, typhoon Vinta.

In case T. Knox is planning on making a competitive comeback, we assessed the QS’ financial situation and discovered it costs exactly $43,000 for a year on the Q. Luckily, if he qualifies for the 2019 tour, Renato Hickel has leaked some heavily desired and useful information regarding impending WSL changes; round robins, a possible Cloudbreak return and the dreaded pay per view system.

Our editor in chief, Artichoke Giggles, also penned his weekly letter keeping us all up to date on the latest happenings, which I’ve just realised made reading the above entirely obsolete!

For the first time in a long time, the East Coast of Aus produced swell which warranted a proper shortboard and consequently I was dealt some severe floggings in waves I’m not good enough to be surfing (Albee would be proud). I also made a triumphant, but short-lived return to the boog, to see if I still had what it takes in the world of novelty wave dragging; unfortunately, it predominantly resulted in some A-grade sea ulcers and a depletion of my own self-worth.

Anyway, iHusky is back on the sniff and has hunted down the past week’s best literary jabs and we now present them to you in an easy to digest, scrollable format. If you don’t start throwing me in there soon though Husk, don’t be surprised if you suddenly see an abundance of snail bait getting thrown into your backyard.

11. Cloudbreak and Trestles Return! Premium Pay-Per-View! Surf Ranch Comp Format and More

10. Cloudbreak and Trestles Return! Premium Pay-Per-View! Surf Ranch Comp Format and More

9. Please Allow This Nineteen Year-Old’s Showreel To Sell You The (Western) Australian Dream

8. Hawaii, This Morning: “WTF?”

7. California Wants To Put A Ring On It

6. Jamie O’Brien Won A Big Check Worth $40k

5. Is There Anything More Mercifully Distracting Than A Stylish Lady Logger?

4. Hawaii, This Morning: “WTF?”

3. Cloudbreak and Trestles Return! Premium Pay-Per-View! Surf Ranch Comp Format and More

2. Albee Layer On Everything Wrong With Jaws Right Now

1. Rory’s Rumblings: “Is This It?”