Are Professional Surfers Really That Happy All The Time? - Stab Mag

Live Now: Chapter 11 Mini-Documentary With Dane Reynolds

316 Views

Are Professional Surfers Really That Happy All The Time?

“sTOkEd tO bE hErE”

style // Dec 11, 2020
Words by The intern.
Reading Time: 2 minutes

It’s that time of year, WSL is back.

Don’t know what you got till it’s gone, maybe I don’t hate competitive surfing as much as I thought. Still not looking forward to those dreadful post-heat interviews though. How many times can someone say they’re “stoked” or “just happy to be here” before having an absolute mental breakdown? It’s like their sponsors, managers, and the WSL have guns pointed at all their vital organs, threatening to pull the trigger if they express any emotion other than happiness. Our poor hostages are smiling out of fright, terrified that the use of any unscripted words will have them dropped from the payroll.

Competitive surfers are absolute fucking savages in the water. Don’t believe their plant-based nutrition plans. They’re fucking carnivores. Paddle battles, blatant burns, intentional interference maneuvers. Mick Fanning right-hooked a Great White shark mid-heat at J-Bay. If I behaved like they do at the local watering hole, my teeth would be scattered across the parking lot. Seems as if all that tenacity is covered up by a contrived smile.

Just tell us who’s got a gun to your head, Sally. We can help.

Where does all of that energy go? “I’ll get ’em next time,” isn’t enough for me. The raw passion and sheer aggression displayed in the water don’t match the corporate answers. You think the judges made a bad call? Let us know. Kelly is a meanie head when there’s no cameras around? Lemme hear it. There have to be thoughts bouncing around competitors’ heads that don’t include the word “frothing”. At least have fun with it, slip a joke in here or there. Mason Ho and Griffin Colapinto have some goofy interviews that are almost impossible not to enjoy.

Ho, brah.

I’m not an idiot (open for debate). I know the WSL wants to keep everything family-friendly. Athletes have six-(occasionally seven)-figure contracts with the world’s largest surf brands that can be null and void within a few minutes. Avoiding controversy keeps the ship sailing smoothly. But there’s gotta be a balance. We need a splash of authenticity. Obviously these guys and gals can’t just whip their nuts out and lay them on the kitchen table. But Jordy Smith once declared on a live broadcast that he was “hung like a donkey”, and he’s still financially thriving.

You might not be able to get away with that level of lewdness in 2020, but would a middle finger here and there really be a big deal?

Probably. 

* WSL’ers IF YOU’RE READING THIS AND YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER, BLINK TWICE DURING YOUR NEXT INTERVIEW

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Watch: What Happens When A Brand Takes Its Youth Team To A CT Event?

A: Good things, typically.

Mar 29, 2024

Full Frame: Scandinavia Is Surfing’s Next Frontier

A 30-hour drive, bathymetric maps, and 10 years of searching yield surfing's newest discovery.

Mar 29, 2024

Watch: João Chianca Had A Remarkable Hawaii Season Before His Injury

Plus an update on his condition.

Mar 28, 2024

Pittar’d And Feathered

Do the WSL judges deserve the internet's wrath? We asked the man of the hour.

Mar 28, 2024

Robbo, Pickles, And Tyler Wright Become The Underdogs Breakfast At Uninspiring Winkipop

The foreboding blade sharpens and inconsistent judging prevails on Day Two in Torquay.

Mar 27, 2024

“I Don’t Always Win Heats, But When I Do, I Try To Beat John John”

Slater shines and the axe begins its descent on Day 01 at Bells.

Mar 26, 2024

Back Against The Wall: The Ramzi Boukhiam Redemption

Morocco's first CT surfer on speaking six languages, having no coach, and snatching Fil Toledo's…

Mar 25, 2024

Will Kirra, Babies or JJF Stop a GOAT Winning at Bells?

Bluesky BOAG advice from a Superman specialist and former Trials winner.

Mar 25, 2024

Bells Preview: The WSL’s Victorian Sword Dancing Equinox Ritual

Will a Brazilian crack the Top 10 at Bells?

Mar 25, 2024

69 Shin Bones Later + the Anticlimactic State of Big Wave Record-Breaking

Lucas Chumbo might have surfed the biggest wave ever this year. But how will we…

Mar 23, 2024

Watch: ‘Fresh and Fried’ Ft the Quik Kids

How taxing is it to tackle the Gold Coast’s Triple Crown in a single day,…

Mar 23, 2024

The Popular Vote: The People’s Stab In The Dark With Kolohe Andino Champion

Which board looked best — to you —under Kolohe's talons?

Mar 22, 2024

Six Key Learnings From Portugal

Three CT events in, what do we know? 

Mar 21, 2024

‘Zipper’ Is Going On Tour, Here’s Where You Can Watch It  

Dates, times + locations for the Venice, Encinitas, Sydney + Byron premieres.  

Mar 20, 2024

Dane Reynolds On His Future, His Past, And Chapter 11’s Raison D’être

Our 9-minute plunge into the collective psyche of Ventura's pillar(s).

Mar 20, 2024

From ‘Blue Ribbon Cross Country Runner’ to Vogue – How Steph Again Is Back With A Rip Curl Remix

Everything we know about the she-GOATs sponsorship boomerang.

Mar 18, 2024

Stab Interview: Darren Handley Explains Why You Can’t Buy The Winning Stab In The Dark Model

And his decades-long standoff with Slater.

Mar 17, 2024

Griff Embraces Portugal’s Eternal Time Loop To Vanquish Medina + Ewing, Defay Delays The Inevitable

A redeeming closing act at Supertubos.

Mar 16, 2024
Advertisement