Stab Magazine | An Honest Review: Medina’s Surf Game!

An Honest Review: Medina’s Surf Game!

Shark dodging, floaters, and a surprisingly docile Charlie Medina. 

Words by Stab

Thursday night we held the Byron Bay Electric Acid premiere, but we weren’t going to punch it 10-hours north on the M1 for one night only. We blew the whole weekend out, and are now prolonging our Saturday and Sunday stopping along the coast trying to sneak into as many spots as possible before we’re met with a week of onshores back home. 

Fortunately for me, Rick drive’s a manual, which I’m incapable of driving. Unfortunately, I work Sundays, and since the internet doesn’t shutdown on weekends and content ain’t gonna post itself.

Then, like a Keanu Asing heat win, the idea sprang to us – the Gabriel Medina surfing game! Not only would it cure monotonous motorway boredom, but it would double as ‘compelling’ online material and an opportunity to write about something absolutely meaningless. 

So here it is.

The Introduction

I downloaded ‘Medina’s Surf Game’ onto my iPhone for a cool $2.99 (a hefty price for which I’ll be seeking full reimbursement from our accounts department).

While paying for an app (or anything) in 2018 will likely send you into an irreconcilable spiral, as unlikely as it may seem, it’s a worthy investment. You’ll blow $300 for a couple of hours fun, so what’s $3 bucks for at least 30 minutes of it?!

Not visible during gameplay: Gabriel’s body hair.

A World Tour, Medina’s Island free-surfing, and the frustratingly impossible obstacle course, all a couple finger-taps away.

The Gameplay

Two fingers, two directions, and a seemingly never-ending tube. Left thumb to turn left and your right to turn right – it’s eons easier than actually going surfing. 

At first it appears eerily similar to Sally Fitz’ surfing game (read the honest review here), but you’re allowed to do more than run over trapped dolphins and whip into unbreaking waves here.    

You start off on a ‘Malibu White’ featuring a half-star rating, despite this, within a couple minutes you’ll be jamming ‘off-the-lips’, doing endless chop hops, getting piped and doing a variety of really shit airs called ‘rasgada’ and ‘frontflip 180s’. If you want to perform anything resemblant of an actual turn or air though, you’ll need a hell of a lot of patience, or be willing to blow out your bank account by purchasing in-game coins.  

The T-Mobile Tube Timer found a new and more suitable home.

That’s right, to get better in Gabby’s surfing game all you need to do is splash some cash!     

Unfortunately there’s no Turps and Pottz berating you over the mic, there is however a soundtrack better suited to a Tournotes episode. In some sense it’s like you’re playing your very own Snaketales episode without a barrage of “yes!” and “fucks” thrown in between each turn  – you can always do that yourself.  

The game however isn’t akin to the good old days of KSPS on the GameBoy Colour, you have to dodge sharks, collect coins, and of course, claim your wave at the end of every ride. You’ll also have Charlie beckoning advice which typically involves the purchase of a new board or power up.

Simply whip out the credit card and rip away.

Speaking of Charlie, he takes a starkly contrasting approach in the game than real life. When I scored as low as a 1.4 at my first world tour heat, he recommended heading over to train on ‘Medina’s Island’, withholding all impulses to aggressively storm the judges tower.  

The World Tour

All the stops you know and love, including the shark-ridden Margaret River, and even the Bells burger which boasts a triple-overhead tube!

There is however no noticeable difference between any of the waves on the CT except a change in direction, and each of them is littered with sharks, seagulls, and of course, gold coins – like every good mobile game requires.

Other than these discrepancies, it’s quite like the real World Tour: frustratingly repetitive, confusing score lines, and Medina claims regardless of whether he’s winning the heat or not. My highest heat score so far was a 4.0 at Bells for getting four tubes and launching innumerable number of airs; that being said, I am yet to unlock the ‘floater’ which is sure to promote my scores to the excellent range.  

Like any true surfer I threw in the towel when it came to Saquarema

It should also be noted that the top surfers consist of mostly non-anglo names – Silvio Vitti, Eduardo Carioca, and even a Fabio Hickman. A feature which is far from discrimination and simply an accurate prediction of what the tour will look like in a couple of year’s time. Let’s face it, us Aussie’s and American’s are all but fucked on the competitive schedule.

Overall

A much freer and ‘surf-like’ attempt than Sally Fitz’, but hardly as entertaining as the genre defining surf-games from the early millennium. 

It’s probably better than scrolling during your daily commute, or listening to your significant ramble on about their mundane day, but it’s not sending you into a Candy Crush like addiction anytime soon. 

All around I’m giving it a 8.27/10…

Only because I want Gabriel Medina to unblock us from Instagram.

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