Selfie Sticks: Security Or Vanity?

It’s been a big week.

XXXL swells, event starts (and stops), and dealing with the reality that E-Lo has the VID is taxing. Even if you were paying attention it’s likely you missed out on something…

I’d love to sit here and tell you there are just two more weeks—to “hold on” till the end of the year, at which point our world will return to relative normalcy. But if 2020’s taught me anything, it’s that it only takes a few days for everything to go to shit, and a whole lot longer to get back on track. 

Like the pandemic, selfie sticks are a societal plague I wish we could bury in a mass grave. But the one thing they’re good for is watching your back, which is something everyone should be doing in the final weeks of this decrepit year. You may not be able to stop what’s coming, but seeing it from six feet out should at least help you brace for impact.

Whatever your strategy, learn from the inspiring techniques below. And if you do catch danger lurking behind you via your selfie stick, be sure to turn around and beat the living daylights out of it. Hmm, now that I think about it, I guess they’re good for two things*.

Nate Florence Does It All On An Empty Stomach 

Channel Subs: 103K

Video Views: 316,002 (52,667 views/day)

Like/Dislike Ratio: 6,906/174 or 39.7 likes per 1 dislike 

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but maybe not if you plan on pulling under the ledge of 50ft sections. Remember this wave from last week? Well, Nate gives you everything on it above, Go-Pro angle and all. When you’re lugging around pair of steel balls, porridge just slows you down. 

Dye job + Dorian

Channel Subs: 29.7K

Video Views:  64,428 (10,738 views/day)

Like/Dislike Ratio: 3,619/20 or 180.9 likes per 1 dislike 

Let’s play ‘5 Things Pointing Toward Italo Repeating At Pipe’

-Reigning World Champ 

-Reigning Pipe Master

-Rocking a fresh head of brightly dyed blonde hair 

-Getting advice from Shane Dorian before paddling out at Pipe. 

–Blossoming friendship with well-known barrel guru to the tour’s top Brazilians Mr. J.O.B

If I drew Italo right now my balls would be in my fucking throat. 

Italy Avoids Another Unemployment Application 

Channel Subs: 9.37K

Video Views: 25,372 (12,686 views/day)

Like/Dislike Ratio: 974/10 or 97.4 likes per 1 dislike 

You already know who won, but that shouldn’t make the above any less exciting. This is the exact type of drama that the WSL is creating with their surf-off at Lowers, just on a much smaller scale. That is unless you’re Leo, Mikey, or Quiksilver… the latter of which had swallowed the hard pill of losing a tour surfer this week. On the bright side, at least Leo and Tomo won’t be filing for unemployment, lord knows Italy has been through enough. 

Appreciate Greatness While You Have It

Channel Subs: 42.2K

Video Views:  40,253 (20,126 views/day)

Like/Dislike Ratio: 892/10 or 89.2 likes per 1 dislike 

We’re living in a golden age of sports. Lebron James, Kelly Slater, Tiger Woods, Tom Brady—these guys have kevlar engines, sure, but even the finest of specimens give in at some point. Like his father Mike, we’re sure Mase will be rolling into 3rd reef bombs for many decades to come, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t appreciate every time he dons a jersey out at Pipe. Imagine if Mase picked off a win out there… we’d love to see that party.

How To Lose In Style 

Channel Subs: 4.53K

Video Views:  13,675 (6,837 views/day)

Like/Dislike Ratio: 208/4 or 52 likes per 1 dislike 

We wouldn’t blame you if you forgot how the women’s world title shook out back in 2019. In yet another inner-team rivalry, Mike Parsons’ pupils Lakey Peterson and Caroline Marks were both in hot pursuit of the world title, only to both be bested by Mrs. Carissa Moore herself. Back at the same wave where it all went down, Lakey and Caroline both copped losses. Neither of these girls is new to this, meaning they had no problem seamlessly transitioning from losing to eating chocolate cake with their coach. I hope I never meet disappointment so great it can’t be cured by dessert with Snips. 

*One shirt from the Stab Store goes to the person who sends in the best footage of a selfie stick battle to [email protected].