Stab Magazine | Will Kolohe Andino's Yellow Jeep Jersey Be Repossessed By A Muscular Latin American?

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Will Kolohe Andino’s Yellow Jeep Jersey Be Repossessed By A Muscular Latin American?

Speed Power Flow Rankings: Deep and meaningful surf jernalizm. 

news // Jul 26, 2019
Words by stab
Reading Time: 4 minutes

It’s hard to separate politics from sport and surfing is no different. 

Things have reached a boiling point ever since John John disgraced America by taking a knee in Brazil. It’s sad to see Nike using Hurley to push their liberal yahoo agenda and align John with Colin Kaepernick. Maybe he should focus more on progressive surfing not culture. 

Meanwhile, the right was in full force at J-Bay and there was plenty of conservative surfing to suit. Lots of cutting back in order to reduce the deficit and a staunch anti-abortion policy by the WSL via their continued commitment to Round 2. Some berths just aren’t meant to be.

These are polarizing times. Which is why we’re lucky to have Carve Visionary’s new Kingpin sunglasses which come with polarized lenses, making them the go-to for all acts of domestic violence. (Paid partnership with Carve.

Anyway, by the Semifinals of J-Bay, the event pretty much looked like a Canal Off barbecue that somebody forced Kanoa to go to by promising that it would lead to some corporate sponsorship in Brazil. 

So much happening in our sport. And we’re only one year out from the Olympics. What a time to be alive. 

On to the rankings. 

150719125326 02 wsl shark attack mfanning 1 jpg large 169

#69 Sharks 

They didn’t do shit this year. The last time I saw someone back down so quickly from a little nudge to the face was at a surf industry convention in Florida. 

#33 Everybody Outside The Top 20 

This time of year, you’re either thinking about Huntington Beach or thinking about Teahupo’o. All of these guys should be thinking about Huntington Beach.

#27 Ricardo Christie

Good to see him carrying on the great tradition of mediocrity from people who have a first name for a last name. Somewhere out there, Stuart Kennedy is smiling. And probably wearing Carve Visionary sunglasses. And maybe mowing his lawn. 

#19 Seabass 

Great to see him crack the Quarterfinals for the first time in 2019. He is the only fish on tour worth paying attention to unless you like watching Peterson Crisanto flounder. 

Jordy4

#16 Jordy Smith 

The Modern Collective curse continues. Should have never touched that prism. 

#14 Julian Wilson 

A great Buddhist thinker once said that a cloud never dies. The thought behind this is that before a cloud was a cloud, maybe it was moisture in a river. After it is a cloud, maybe it will become rain. Maybe that rain will someday become a glass of water that you drink and so on. You can identify it as a “river” or a “cloud” or a “glass of water.” But in reality, like everything else, it’s the same thing simply changing form. 

Point being: Taj Burrow.

#13 Griffin Colapinto 

Some people are incredibly talented, qualify for the tour at a young age, experience success early on, then take some time to learn how to consistently earn solid results on Tour. Others are Brazilian. 

Griffin is not Brazilian. 

#12 Kelly Slater 

Interesting to watch a 47-year-old still grinding away trying to win his first-ever WSL World Title (he only won in the ASP — shoutout to me for being the current owner of the Association).

Springsuit

#9 Ryan Callinan 

He’s currently the second-highest rated Australian surfer in the world. If you don’t know who the first place one is then you can go ahead and leave. 

#8 Kanoa Igarashi 

Comparing him to Filipe is both the biggest compliment and the greatest disservice to Kanoa at the same time. 

Kolohe

#5 Kolohe Andino 

95 percent of the people who have ever owned a yellow Jeep have had it repossessed by a muscular Latin American. Looks like he’s just going to be another statistic. 

#3 Filipe Toledo 

This was the most relatable surfing he’s done in his career in that he peaked too soon — we’ve all been there. 

#2 Gabriel Medina 

If the back half of his year looks anything like the front half of his body, it should be a smooth path to the Title for Medina. With that acknowledged, I’m claiming he nicks himself in one of the next few events which will make things interesting. 

#1 Italo Ferreira 

Italo winning the World Title this year would be the best thing that could happen to surfing other than Italo walking away from Tour to film. Or major brands starting to make cool shit again. Or Amazon dying and SUPS dying too. Or sustainability initiatives actually being sustainability initiatives. Or the WSL allowing surfing to be surfing. Or everyone appreciating it and having fun and using it as a portal to a joyous life instead of taking it seriously. 

Let’s hope. 

Occy

Occy Of The Event 

Another controversy here as Gabriel Medina won, but his surfing was too aggressive even for the Raging Bull. Italo wins for fluidity and personality factor. 

Conspiracy4

Conspiracy Theory Of The Event 

In 2014, Jeremy Flores stormed the judging tower (known officially as Area 5.1 in official WSL contest site structure terms) to protest the authoritarian nature of the state and search for extraterrestrial points for his last wave. Read between the lines. 

Meditation3

Meditation Of The Event

Namaste. 

Word Of The Story

Word Of The Story2

Sustainablity Initiative 

Noun 

Səsteɪnəˈbɪlɪti ɪˈnɪʃətɪv

A complicated method used by large companies in order to deceive themselves as well as the general public.

Kelly2

Kelly Slater Playbook

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing.

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