Who’s Going To Get The Two WSL Wildcards For 2018?

Today, at some point, John John Florence will be declared the 2017 World Champion of surfing and the North Shore’s local population will parade black lifted trucks down Kamehameha Highway and host celebratory parties and demand that the attendees remove their footwear before attending.

In other news, have you taken the time to consider the wildcard situation for 2018? No? Let’s talk.

Each year, the WSL picks two wildcards and hands them full-time tickets to the Tour. Most of the time, they go to injured CT surfers. Because most of the time, there are two CT surfers that dealt with serious injuries and failed to re-qualify.

This year, though, is different.

There were two very injured surfers — Italo Ferreira and Robert “Kelly” Slater. But Italo already earned his re-qualification spot through the QS. And Robert K. Slater might not even want his.

Ohhhhh, shit! Somebody grab that script and tell the fully grown Brazilian man to stop sobbing over it.

I hit the WSL with a few questions on the matter. Their lips were sealed tight like those of a virgin. Coincidence? Probably not. However, I did learn that the decision is made by the WSL Commissioner’s Office, whatever the fuck that means. And that it should be announced within 48 hours of completion of Pipe Masters.

Any hints, I prodded? No, they replied, in the most somber tone I’ve encountered since the Round Of 48 press release for the Port Stephens Toyota NSW Pro. So I took the liberty of creating odds on their behalf.

Pat Gudauskas — If Italo gets a big result at Pipe, he’ll double-qualify and open up a CT spot for Patty G. If not, don’t be surprised if the “Commissioners’ Office” chucks him a card. Official Odds: 1.5:1

Michael February — Filipe Toledo and Jordy Smith are ahead of him on the QS rankings, but both of them already have spots on tour through the CT. So, the next spot would go to him. Official Odds: 3:1.

The First Guy Who Falls Off The CT — This won’t be known until the end of the day but fuck that guy and fuck his wildcard — he’ll stay on Tour when Mick retires at Bells anyway. Official Odds: 5:1

Mikey Wright — He finished 36th on the QS, but you know the WSL wants to script in a man who kicks their criteria in its petite genitals. Official Odds: 25:1

Jeep Wrangler — Plenty of speed, power, flow and assumptions of other motorists that you have owned several pairs of un-ironic white sunglasses over the course of your dull life. Official Odds 43:1

Taj Burrow — From what I hear, it took Taj one taste of retirement to realize that life on Tour ain’t so bad compared to having marketing people who pay over $50 for haircuts pestering you to show up to grom comps and leash giveaways in butt-fuck-nowhere all year. Official Odds: 170:1

Brett Simpson — If God is real, he would somehow prove that he exists and doesn’t exist at the same time by making this happen. Official Odds 69:1

It’s going to be a long 48 hours, folks.