Stab Magazine | The Nine Worst Inventions In Surfing

The Nine Worst Inventions In Surfing

Cynical cash grabs and misguided garbage.

Words by stab

I’m calling the following the ten worst inventions in surfing but, if I’m being honest, that claim is a bit hyperbolic. Not because they aren’t dumb as shit. But because the surf industry has plopped out so many cynically lame accessories over the years that it’s impossible to keep up.

So, you know, you’re free to split hairs over whether these are actually the worst surf inventions ever. But you’ve gotta agree that they’re ranking members of the junk-club.

noseguard
An easy upsell to the bumper boat clique.

Longboard Noseguards

The original noseguards made sense. Getting jabbed by your board, even when it’s not in a particularly sensitive area, absolutely fucking sucks. And god forbid you’re one of the poor fuckers, like Derek Hynd, who takes it in the eye. Goodbye depth perception. Hello pirate-wear!

But longboards aren’t pointy and the only reason to protect the nose is if you plan on slamming it into objects or flailing down the line until you run down whichever son of a bitch happens to be in your way.

 

turbotunnel
Don’t stick your dick in it. No matter how badly you want to.

Turbo Tunnel Fin

The fleshlight of surfboards. You’ve gotta be pretty fucked to even consider buying one of these things. But to wave it around in public? Where other people can see you? That’s sick. You’re sick. You should be ashamed of yourself.

 

on a mission
The traction pads with Air Jordan-style bubbles were stupid too.

On A Mission Fin Systems– There’s been no shortage of stupid fin box ideas that found funding over the last few decades, but the worst, by far, was when OAM tossed its hat in the ring.

The fins didn’t fit their boxes, requiring oodles of sanding to jam the fuckers in. And then, when your fin broke a few months later, guess what?

They stopped making the fuckers.

Fuck you, OAM. I was a broke-ass college student who gave you my money because the Malloys were involved. I thought you were cool, man.

OAM fins were so god awful I can’t even find a picture of them online.

 

spray on traction
The intersection of shred sled and bathroom fixture.

Spray on Deck Traction– For when you want to look like you’re surfing, but feel like you’re standing in the bathtub. Nipple shredding hell torture in a can that keeps getting rehashed by entrepreneur dork-bags. 

Sector Deck velcro binding system for surfboards and
Blow out your knees and ankles with this one easy trick!

Sector Deck velcro deck pads 

There was a brief moment, back when pros began consistently landing airs but the general public couldn’t come close, that strapped small wave surfing reared its ugly head. The “Strapt” crew on Maui simultaneously pushed the limits of big wave surfing and dropped a few videos full of flips in head high fun stuff.

A few different versions of stuck-on shralp-age made they’re way into the consumer world, but none was as ridiculous as Sector Deck.

Industrial grade velcro deck patch plus booties, the moment your feet hit the deck they weren’t moving again. Awkward stance, awful attempts, the fact that I gave it a try (on a borrowed board) is one of the darker moments in my past.

pope bisect

The surf version of two kids in a trench coat.

Pope Bisect

Think of how much you’d save on airline fees if your board came pre-broken! The Pope Bisect was going to change surf travel forever!

The only problem was that they rode like shit, fell apart, and refund checks bounced like rap video booty. It’d be a case of “Buy cheap, buy twice,” except they weren’t cheap. They were just dumb.

wavejet

WAVEJET

Shame on you, Cory Lopez. ^^

Every single ‘surfskate’ abortion ever created

I don’t care what Taylor Knox says. No amount of wiggling down your driveway is going to teach you how to do a proper cutback. Buy a normal skateboard and learn to do an ollie.

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

E.A.S.T. Musician Hobo Dave’s Inspiring Journey Through Brain Injuries, Mental Illness, And Surfing

His film ‘Suburban Wilderness’ is a feel-good, core lord hit.

Jul 30, 2021

Episode 2: Vans Stab High, Central America, Presented By Monster Energy

Bring an ice pack, the space cadets have been wounded.

Jul 30, 2021

Does Anyone Else Notice This Ladybird’s Resemblance To Dane Reynolds?

Caity Simmers surfs with a familiar tenacity.

Jul 29, 2021

How Did A Billabong Logo End Up On Italo Ferreira’s Olympics-Winning Surfboard?

Clever marketing team finds legal loophole.

Jul 29, 2021

Son Of Metallica Bassist Scores 11 Year Old’s Straight Air Waco Edit

Ryji Masuda rocks and rolls in Waco.

Jul 29, 2021

Ben Howard Knifes South Coast Nuggets In ‘153624’

Ben Howard chooses the double black diamond approach to tube riding.

Jul 29, 2021

What Did We Learn From The Olympics?

The biggest takeaways from a writer who watched every single heat.

Jul 28, 2021

Covert Jr. Editor Virtually Slips Through The Heavily Guarded Gates Of Olympic Surfing

Better watch now, this won't stay up for very long.

Jul 28, 2021

Neal Purchase Jnr Shapes The Feeling He’s Searching For

Great artists hide themselves in their work.

Jul 28, 2021

You Could Fit Your Neighbor’s Sprinter Van Inside Of These Puerto Escondido Tunnels

Mexican Pipeline continues to churn out the goods.

Jul 27, 2021

Where Are We At With Sustainable Surfboards?

Hello, elephant in the room! Let's hear from some industry innovators.

Jul 27, 2021

Italo Ferreira and Carissa Moore Are Surfing’s First-Ever Olympic Gold Medalists

Here's how they won.

Jul 27, 2021

Everything You Never Knew About Italo Ferreira

A window into the gold medalist's meteoric rise.

Jul 27, 2021

John Florence Listed As Questionable For The Remainder Of The CT Season

“I’ll most likely make the decision in the next two days or so.”

Jul 26, 2021

The Flamboyantly-Dressed Man Who Got Surfing Into The Olympics Details His Experience

ISA President Fernando Aguerre opens up to Stab the day before the gold medal match.

Jul 26, 2021

Steph Falls Off Her Horse, Andino Triumphs Over John, Gabs Potentially Spells End To Jules’ Career Outside Contest Area

Big-ish waves, sharp surfing and no shortage of drama on day 2 of the Olympic…

Jul 26, 2021

Do You Talk In The Lineup?

The Misc: Half-spoken rules

Jul 26, 2021

Shizunami’s Provocative Chlorine Ramp Continues To Tempt Us

The Volcom Japan team dips its toes in the world’s most desirable wave pool.

Jul 26, 2021
Advertisement