Stab Magazine | Should People Who Do Double-Pump Bottom Turns Get Shot?

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Should People Who Do Double-Pump Bottom Turns Get Shot?

A hardfuckingCORE sports journalism story about the Corona J-Bay Open.

news // Jul 5, 2018
Words by Brendan Buckley
Reading Time: 4 minutes

On the Corona J-Bay Open webcast two days ago, 1977 World Champion Shaun Tomson said that people who do double pump bottom turns at J-Bay should be shot.

Jokingly, of course. But it has been said that there is truth in every joke, which is why Louie CK’s masturbation bits aren’t really funny anymore.

Speaking of which, let’s talk about the double-pump bottom.

Tom Curren is attributed with inventing it and pretty much everybody aside from 1990s Kelly Slater is attributed with making it look bad. Article 172 of the WSL rulebook states that any act which causes “damage to the image of the sport of surfing” will be charged with a fine ranging from $1000 – $50,000.

Not only does this explain why the organization has such a high operating cost — given some of what they post on Instagram — but it also may be a better solution than gun violence because even the surf was pumping today folks.

Now, on the action: 

carmichael w2161jbay18cestari mm

If Wade’s World isn’t winning you over, go eat a deep fried Twinky, and ponder space, man.

Don’t sleep on Wade Carmichael. Don’t let him sleep on you, either, because he’s pretty chunky and you would go numb. Today, he pushed his weight around and dropped three 8s in the first heat of the morning.

He was solid in Round 4, too, finishing just behind Julian Wilson and earning a spot in the Quarterfinals.

Julian Wilson has been looking good, but in the I toned down my surfing so that I can win thanks a lot Richie Porta kind of way. Nothing flashy, aside from pairing his yellow jersey with a yellow watch. That said, if he keeps it up, this could finally be the year he pairs that attitude up with the World Title he’s felt entitled to for the past decade.  

Julian’s adversary, Filipe Toledo, was also matching. All red. And all ripping. At J-Bay, his surfing has been faster than anyone’s and I feel as though Strider Wasilewski would refer to him as Brown Lightning if not for the fear of being labeled a racist.

wilson j1361jbay18cestari mm

Jules-Julian-Wilson, amongst his many pleasant features, has very nice hands. 

Griffin Colapinto’s 9.57 in Round 3 would have made Parko shed a tear, except Parko was already crying due to feeling like he may have accidentally stolen Kelly’s retirement thunder – although we don’t view Parko as any less of a man even after The Cure wrote a song on a similar subject in 1978. 

Gabriel Medina proved that judges still really love floaters with a 9.30. He hasn’t cracked a final this year yet, but he could be the first goofyfooter to win this event since

Kanoa Igarashi surfed liked a different person today. Last year, he posted an 8.77 total in a heat where Kelly and Owen were dropping excellent scores. Today, he posted the highest wave and the highest total in a Round 4 matchup with Gabriel and Griffin — which was the most entertaining heat of the day.

He’s still only 20 years old, which means that I’m going to start wagering on him.

igarashi k2507jbay18cestari mm

Kanoa’s modern take on the classic praying mantis.

Conner Coffin surfed like himself today. Smooth, I play acoustic guitar type shit. If you like wholesome surfing, re-watch his heat with Jordy and Parko — which was Parko’s last heat at J-Bay. 

The WSL tried a to take control of its ongoing heat against The Internet by bringing back Heat Analyzer. Analyze heats, not data. They also responded to the talk about low viewership with this:

The number displayed on your stream does not represent the total concurrent audience viewing the event. Because we’re serving localized ads against our programming, what you’re seeing is the audience total for the regional stream that you’re connected to.

You may be wondering why I am sweating and that is because I have been doing journalism. I am in France. I asked friends in the USA, South Africa, Australia and Indonesia to report the number they saw to me — and it was always the same.

So the WSL can say they’re just trying to target specific advertisements for whatever light beer the heterosexuals in different regions consume but, for now, I’m going to believe that there really are only 10,000 or so English-speaking Wade Carmichael fans out there.

The final day should be on tomorrow in double-pumping waves.

While all of it is fun to talk about, it doesn’t really matter how many people are watching, how many frowny faces people are clicking, or how many thrusts it takes to get to the lip. It’s going to be a great day of surfing.

Men’s Corona Open J-Bay Remaining Round 3 (H5-12) Results:
Heat 5: Wade Carmichael (AUS) 16.77 def. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 11.70
Heat 6: Julian Wilson (AUS) 12.80 def. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 12.23
Heat 7: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 16.60 def. Yago Dora (BRA) 7.94
Heat 8: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 13.77 def. Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 10.84
Heat 9: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) def. 
Owen Wright (AUS) INJ
Heat 10: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 15.83 def. Willian Cardoso (BRA) 7.67
Heat 11: Griffin Colapinto (USA) 17.70 def. Mikey Wright (AUS) 11.67
Heat 12: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 15.63 def. Connor O’Leary (AUS) 14.20

Men’s Corona Open J-Bay Round 4 Results:
Heat 1:
 Conner Coffin (USA) 16.03, Jordy Smith (ZAF) 15.56, Joel Parkinson (AUS) 14.20
Heat 2: Julian Wilson (AUS) 13.66, Wade Carmichael (AUS) 13.00, Frederico Morais (PRT) 12.90
Heat 3: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 17.23, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 16.13, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 15.23
Heat 4: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 18.04, Gabriel Medina (BRA) 16.50, Griffin Colapinto (USA) 9.50

Men’s Corona Open J-Bay Quarterfinal Matchups:
QF 1: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS) 
QF 2: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Jordy Smith (ZAF)
QF 3: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Gabriel Medina (BRA)
QF 4: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)

The Women’s Corona Open J-Bay event window will open Friday, July 6

Women’s Corona Open J-Bay Round 1 Matchups:
Heat 1: Johanne Defay (FRA), Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS), Sage Erickson (USA)
Heat 2: Tyler Wright (AUS), Silvana Lima (BRA), Bronte Macaulay (AUS)
Heat 3: Lakey Peterson (USA), Malia Manuel (HAW), Bianca Buitendag (ZAF)
Heat 4: Stephanie Gilmore (AUS), Nikki Van Dijk (AUS), Macy Callaghan (AUS)
Heat 5: Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA), Keely Andrew (AUS), Courtney Conlogue (USA)
Heat 6: Carissa Moore (HAW), Caroline Marks (USA), Coco Ho (HAW) 


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