Short, Red & Fabulous

Stab adds Mitch Coleborn to our favourite surfers list…

All photos by Jimmicane

I was surprised, although not repulsed, when I saw Mitch Coleborn for the first time. His reputation is enormous, as big as Julian Wilson’s at the least, and therefore I expected, physically, for the then 20 year old to tower over me. What I saw, sandwiched between two giraffes (tall, tiny tits, no ass) at MTV’s pool party in Sydney, was a compact unit, with an oversized head crowned by an explosion of red curls and a chest that belonged in a Charles Atlas ad. I quickly computed his body shape: rhizomelic short limbs, increased spinal curvature… distortion of skull growth. Is he a dwarf? I wondered. Does he fall under the 4’11” cut-off? As he spoke, I compared him against stationary objects and other little humans. Eventually, I had to conclude: although there are textbook signs of achondroplasia, I classify Mitch Coloborn as “normal”.
That concern out of the way and after a perfunctory introduction by a mutual gal pal, we dove into small talk with gusto.

“I’ve always wanted to meet the guys from Stab,” he said.
“Here I am,” I said.
“When I saw that Julian shoot with the girls I was hell jelly, eh,” he said, referring to The Popular Boy feature in our latest book.
“Hell Jelly” is Sunshine Coast patois. It means he wishes he was the beef in that pie, translating roughly as “extremely jealous.”
Drunk, and flattered that he actually read Stab, we promised Mitch an eight-page feature.
“Call me in Hawaii,” he said.
“Yes,” I said.
“But don’t eat up too many of my minutes,” he said, referring to the American system where the receiver of a call is also billed.
“Borrow a phone,” I suggested.
“Skype me,” he said.
Two weeks later, I called and was rebuffed.
“Call me back in 20,” he said. Mitch was picking up a new quiver of sleds somewhere on the North Shore.
I had a date with something else in 20 minutes, plus fuck calling the lil princess back when I’m doling out eight pages, so I handed my sheet of questions to Jed Smith, new here at Stab, and sent him forth at the appointed time. – Derek Rielly.

Interview by Jed Smith.

What a pleasure it was to meet you at the MTV summer party. Tell me, was that a Viktor and Rolf smock you were wearing? 
It was na suit-top with one of those little chain pocket-watch things on it.

I noticed. What made you decide to ditch the spurs and lasso?
I’m usually rocking the flanno. But, it’s getting pretty sceney up there around Brisbane, the Goldy and the Sunny coast. It’s almost as bad as Bondi.

What do Stab readers know about you? 
That I try my best to be a rad aerialist.

Are you a titties kinda man? If you are, you’ll appreciate the issue your interview falls in.
Kiddies?
I don’t even know how big I am with the kiddies. What? OH… Fuck yeah, who isn’t? As long as they look like a 10 from behind I’m fucken happy. I’m kind of over the pretty face, good personality and chunky body or whatever. I’d way rather a crook head, cause up in doggy, if it looks like a 10 you’re fucken rippin’. And, they flaunt their bodies harder if they don’t have a good face and personality,

Can you describe for me, in as much detail as you can stomach, your surroundings? Where are you staying? Who ware you staying with? 
It looks like a piece of shit. Just the most basic – like it’s made out of wood – it looks like we could probably build one better. Downstairs in the dungeon is where I sleep. It’s like these rank little bunk beds. No windows, you could sleep all day long cause it’s so dark. It’s just rank, it smells and everyone is down there just rotting away. There’s computers and camera shit everywhere. I’m staying with Tom Carey, Matt Schuster, and four other cunts in the bunks.

Courtney Brown and Dusty Payne came home the other night and walked upstairs into the freezer and pulled out a box of chimichangas (deep-fried burritos). They didn’t even eat them, they were just cooking ‘em up and throwing ‘em off the balcony. And Browny was just walking around yelling “chimichangas” at the top of his voice: “CHIMICHANGAS, CHIMICHANGAS!” And then Dusty would just peg ‘em off the balcony. This was in the morning. Everyone thought Browny was the most annoying cunt they’ve ever heard.
Dusty has actually been going pretty mad this whole time, even when he was in the comps he was on the piss almost every night.

Are you enjoying partez on the North Shore? 
We had a Farewell to Willsy at the Rip Curl house last night and Ricky Basnett was there. You know what it’s called when you get a 33rd now?

A Dirty Cunt Called Basnett? 
Close. We started calling it a Ricky Basnett. He had his head down. The Hazza’s, Dean Brady, Brenno, and a few other lads were there. Shit just escalates over here. I’ve been cruising, keeping to myself and all the boys started calling me a pussy so I just fucken went mad last night. Next thing I know I’m in Foodland with Mick and one of the Hazzas putting 10 or 15 cases of beer on my credit card. I’m regretting it now, but I was the man at the time. Next thing I know it’s pissing down rain and me and Brenno were jumping on the trampoline at seven in the morning out the front of the Oakley house with everyone inside going “Are these cunts for real?”

What have you got in your pockets? 
Just me wallet. Last night I had an ice pipe in there, but it’s all gone now.

Do you really hate Julian Wilson? 
Nah, I reckon he’s a legend. There’ve been a few weird months. I’m one of the only people that can write him off. I tell people how it is, there’s no softening things up. If he’s being a jerk I’ll just tell him straight up. Whereas in the past, he’s had a lot of things done for him. He’s changed a lot. Even a couple of years ago, surfing with him, there is no way I thought he’d be doing what he’s doing now. He’s more mature these days, and he keeps a level head. He’s good like that.

Compare yours and his surfing. 
One thing that I notice with Julian, in a contest or free surfing, every turn I do I put 110% into it. Whereas Julian will do a big turn at the start and then a couple of little ones, to make his big ones stand out more.

Is your approach a weakness or strength.
Strength. I love watching guys go for broke on a wave and not holding back, rather than just toying with the wave. That whole aggressive approach to the wave, that’s what I like.

Stab likes your surfing very much. Tell me about your approach to waves, from a number of levels: stance, boards, how you attack, how you know when to hold and when to fold?
Stance: It’s pretty standard, pretty solid over my board, almost a little Brazilian. Little thunder thighs.
Boards: Feel pretty sick, eh. Pretty curvy, almost banana-ish, a lot more curve throughout the whole thing. I was riding a lot thicker boards last year.
Hold and fold: I react when I see the section coming. Sometimes I’ll take off and know what I want to do. Like, I’ll want to do an air down the line, but if something pops up in between I’m fucked.

I remember when you were the kid being courted by all the major companies. Can you talk me through that period?
There was a little bit of interest. I sent my resume to Quikky when I was 13 and they barred me. But not too many offers came to the table. Volcom came to the table, and they’ve always stepped it up, so I’m happy and they’re happy.

Why Volcom?
I always dug Volcom. The day I met Spillsy and JC I was actually wearing a Volcom shirt. They were like, “Fuck yeah, bro.”

How many years left on the contract? 
Two

Did having Bruce on the team help? 
I was into Ozzie more. This was around Seven Days Seven Slaves, Oscar was pretty much the man.

Has Bruce offered you words of advice or given you anything of value? 
Not really. We talk, he’ll always say g’day, but he’s pretty hard to get words out of. He’s always on the go, hanging with his boys. I haven’t been surfing with him that many times. He’s been hanging with Borg and his chick a fair bit – she’s pregnant at the moment. He was hanging with Mickey Avalon the other day and that guy from Miami Inc. We’re all in the stingy Volcom house. The other one is where Dingo and Brucey and all the corpo guys are, next door.

Say, how much money you got in the bank these days? 
I got a little bit here and there. I own a house in Wurtulla on the Sunshine Coast and I went halves in a house with my mum

What’s your credit card limit? 
About eight-and-a-half grand.

Now that Quiksilver’s lost 90% of its value, are you inclined to dip in, on the sly? Veeco’s down, too, but nothing like Quik… 
It would be a good time right now to get into the stock market. But it’s not a 100% thing. If you buy a house and put your name on a piece of property, you’re guaranteed it’s going to go up. I’d rather put all my money on black on the roulette table, than put into the stock market.

In this current economic winter, have you changed your habits? Are you more inclined to save? How many years do you have left on your contract and are you glad you’re not trying to negotiate a deal right now? 
Not really. It hasn’t really affected people like me in Australia. Everyone is just having a wig out. If they just went about their business and kept spending money it’d all be good. But I’m stoked I’m not trying to negotiate a contract now.

What’s the best surfboard in your quiver right now, and describe it to me in detail? 
It’s got no stickers on it. I gave it back to Darren Handley to copy and he let his son ride it and he snapped the nose off it. Which I was pretty fucken over, so he tried to fix it and he pretty much did the worst fix job ever. It has that many creases, snapped fins, but I think I made about 20 grand off it last year. Three out of four junior series I won on it, and an air show in California, which got me US seven gees. It’s 5’11” x 18 1/8” x 2 3/16”. It just all white, the sprays have been sanded off.

What’s your favourite move?
I’ve been digging the full-rotation alley oop, lately. They feel bullshit when you stick one.

What’s your favourite section in a movie right now? 
Parko’s in Stranger Than Fiction. It’s all been filmed in two surfs. And he’s doing the biggest turns – no one is surfing as good as that, no one’s doing turns like that.

What’s your favourite clip of yo’self?
I dropped in on my mate – he pulled through the back and I do a punt on the end section. He gives me the finger and I just wave at him on my way in. This wave at Mooloolaba has been a straight closeout for 10 years, but when you get a straight east swell, you get the sickest peaks.

You got a gal? 
Not really. I’ve been hitting this thing from home that’s been pretty fun. She’s from the Gold Coast.

We talking classique GC womans? 
If you looked at a surfer and imagined what kind of chick he would have, she is it. She’s blonde, tanned, nice rig and she’s got a little dog and shit.

How do you approach a womans? 
I don’t really go hunt that much. If they wanna chat I’m always keen to have a talk.

Is there anything you won’t do in the sack with a womans? 
You gotta try everything once I reckon. If Jessica Alba wanted to do a big shit on me I would let her.

Do you like the way we refer to women and womans? 
It’s a little ironic, kinda funny, very unexpected.
I like it very much.

When you hang up, what’s the program? 
I haven’t really slept. I might have a bit of a lay down.