Stab Magazine | Kelly Talks "Shit", Joan Duru Launches His Title Hunt, And Short Johns Return
261 Views

Kelly Talks “Shit”, Joan Duru Launches His Title Hunt, And Short Johns Return

Otherwise known as, this week in the greenroom. 

news // Oct 28, 2018
Words by The Greenroom
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Mahalo you fuckin’ surfers, this week in the Greenroom we got a rare peek into the life and bowels of Kelly Slater as he “talked shit” with Joe Rogan. While Kelly was talking poop, Julian Wilson and his fans were taking one in their pants as Joan Duru launched his World Title attack, wiping Jules away and leaving him with a 5.10. Meanwhile Gabs fails to wrap it all up in Portugal, but enters the final skid at Pipe with a fibrous lead. 

Let’s relive this week from inside the greenroom.

“Yeah boss, sorry I couldn’t come into work I had really bad gastro. Yeah nah the surf was pumping hey the point was 6ft and offshore awww I heard yeah but ummm nah I dunno if the waves were any good aye I had the flu, I mean the my dog died, I mean my dog died of the flu…yeah.”

 

Watching Julian lose to Joan Duru with a 5.10 total when the World Title is on the line was nearly as painful as watching Wilko let Gabriel surf by himself for 30 minutes, while sitting on a bank where one wave came through the previous heat.

Plot twist: He was only 48.

Short Johns are the perfect wetsuit to wear on top of a purple rashie when competing in the masters division of your local longboarding club, or when your chest is cold but your shoulders are warm. Or when you’re Flynn Novak.

 

Oh my god, old man Slater hates shit.

Rock…Yeah, Ing…Yeah, Roll…Yeah, Floater…Yeah.

We watch as the stylish surfer cruises along long walls with a speedball type style. The cocaine twitching through an irritable bottom turn, the heroin taking hold as the board takes a euphoric high line, only to be jolted back to life by the increased heart rate and raise in blood pressure provided by the bottom turn.

A wise Greenroom surfer once said, “It’s easier to surf with style than it is to try and convince people that you have style.”

Wide eyed surf/dance music fans at the recent Listen Out festival have noticed that DJ Paul Fisher aka Fisher, bears a striking resemblance to a guy who used to surf…notably on a dick. Besides the lack of hair, Fisher is a dead ringer for the guy who used to rip the bag out of it and had one of the greatest surf blogs going around.

The Greenroom Times can exclusively reveal today that a petition has been circulated amongst a number of CT surfers, and handed to the WSL via surfers representative Ace Buchan, that demands Rosy Hodge stop wearing high heels in post heat interviews.

The petition, which was leaked to our French magazine “Le Journal De La Greenroom”, shows, amongst others, the signatures of Keanu Asing, Glenn Hall, Kanoa Igarashi and the initiator of the petition, Tomas Hermes.

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Can Anyone Beat Robbo?

The Spartan plays footsies, wildcards go switch & the broadcast sentences us to HOLD limbo…

Aug 18, 2022

The Post-COVID Surf Tourism Boom In The Mentawais

Three business owners detail pandemic struggles and what it's like to be back in full…

Aug 18, 2022

“Airlines Hate Me:” Bad Boy RyRy’s Guide To Surf Travel

Want to get pampered at the pointy end of the plane for free?

Aug 17, 2022

Yes And Welcome Back: The First Day Of Female CT Competition At Teahupo’o Since Melanie Redman-Carr Was Taking Scalps In ’06

Carissa Moore is now two heats away from her 6th World Title, btw.

Aug 17, 2022

7:11

What Happens When You Borrow A Pro’s Board?

Joyride: The Shrizz from PANDA surfboards.

Aug 16, 2022

2:17

Mick Fanning Samples California’s Finest Local Produce

Mayhem at Lowers.

Aug 16, 2022

Mountains Died So You Could Surf

The value of sand.

Aug 15, 2022

9:12

UPDATE: People Are Still Surfing ‘La Jetee’ in Reunion Island

Returning to the best & sharkiest air wave in the world, as seen in Mod…

Aug 14, 2022

These Are Your Favorite (Female) Surfers

What the Stab reader survey teaches us about taste.

Aug 14, 2022

2:14

Kelly and Local Gal to Win Teahupo’o?

Local insights and a firing forecast.

Aug 13, 2022

These Are Your Favorite (Male) Surfers

Insights from the 2022 Stab Reader survey.

Aug 13, 2022

16:04

Fear And Loathing in Mainland Mex

Parker Coffin, Harry Roach, and the Roark crew embark on an authentic Oaxacan (surf) trip.

Aug 13, 2022

Tahiti Preview: The End Of The Road For 72% Of The CT

And hello there, blob of swell.

Aug 12, 2022

3:24

While Everyone Flocked To Tahiti, Kelly Stayed in Jbay

...And proceeded to rip the hell out of it on a "borrowed" 5-finned Tomo.

Aug 11, 2022

1:38

Can A GQ Cover Boy Take Out Teahupo’o?

Kauli Vaast is your incredibly handsome Tahiti trials winner.

Aug 11, 2022

Watch: Ramble On With Caity Simmers 

An action-rich tour behind the scenes of her triumphant first voyage to Oz.

Aug 11, 2022

PSA: Surf Filmers Not Welcome In Nicaragua

Cameras and drones are being seized on arrival, Stab spoke with two recent visitors.

Aug 11, 2022

Inside The Alternative Surfboard Marketing Machine 

Two of the biz's best — Matt Parker and Blake Peters — spill many beans.

Aug 10, 2022
Advertisement