Kelly Slater Wants To Save Our Lives But Also Needs Our Help

Last week, due to what we believe was some sort of sponsor obligation, Kelly Slater competed in the Vissla Sydney Surf Pro QS 6,000. 

After taking three luscious scalps in his first heat, Slater went down hard in Round 2, the 47-year-old unable to maintain pace with the youngsters in knee-high dribble. 

Ever gracious in defeat, Slater hung around for the remainder of the event and even called a few heats from the commentators’ booth, gifting viewers with insights gleaned from 30 years at the top of the sport.  

But today, things took a turn for the worse. 

Via @kellyslater’s Instagram stories, we’ve witnessed two seemingly (but not officially confirmed to be) unrelated incidents that should be on everybody’s radar.

First things first, the goat:

No, not the GOAT – the goat. Apologies to our readers, as we see now how that might have been confusing.

Has anybody seen this goat? No, seriously. Sassy has been missing for three weeks now, after being either lost or stolen near Pipeline. Because Sassy is technically a “kid”, Amber Alerts may have been issued across all Hawaiian islands, sadly to no avail. Kelly is personally invested in this issue due to some goat solidarity pact and therefore so are we. Any info please call the number on the post.

Now, it is with a heavy but hopeful heart that we must move forward. One quick baaaaaah for Sassy and we’re onto the heart of this post: distilled water. 

According to Wikipedia, distilled water is: “Water that has been boiled into vapor and condensed back into liquid in a separate container. Impurities in the original water that do not boil below or near the boiling point of water remain in the original container. Thus, distilled water is one type of purified water.”

Make sense?

Apparently Slater is really into this water distillation thing – for how long he’s been doing it we can’t be sure, but it’s to the point that he uploaded a multi-story distillation PSA on his Instagram today.

It starts like this:

“Good morning,” Kelly says to his 2.4 million followers. “First day on the Gold Coast, and I’m making my distilled water.”

Kelly proceeds to push a water container into his PureWise distiller and press the “on” button. Then he pans to two glasses of water – one distilled, one not. 

“Here’s the difference,” Kelly says, pointing his camera at the clear glass. “The distilled water is a nice, perfect, good color.

“This one,” Kelly continues, grabbing the other glass, “you can see it’s slightly yellow. And then if we swish it around [Kelly swishes] – this was the leftovers of the water that I made. Look at all the stuff that’s in there after distilling a gallon of water from the tap. That’s what’s left [milky white molecules dance around the glass, see below]. That’s what’s going in your body if you’re drinking tap water. So maybe think about that. It’s pretty gross. Get a distiller.”

“So now if you leave that to just settle, this is what it looks like [below],” Kelly explains to his viewers. “I don’t know what that stuff is [laughs], but that’s in your water. At least here on the Gold Coast. It could be worse places or better some places, but we need to get that tested.”

“This is not a call to action to go buy plastic bottled water,” Kelly clarified in the next frame. “It’s just that I clean this out, add a little salt to it, and you’re good – got your minerals [peace sign emoji].” 

Ok, quite a few takeaways here. 

1. I’m going to the Gold Coast next week. Am I going to die if I take a sip from that swampy faucet jizz? And if I can’t even trust bottled water as a reasonable fallback option, what am I supposed to drink while I’m there? Strictly the $12 beers?
2. I use a Brita filter at home. Straight from the tap through the charcoal pebbles and into my tummy. Is this not healthy enough anymore? Are Britas the Four Loko of the modern age? Am I going to die at home before I can even die in Australia?
3. I can’t stop thinking about Sassy. Do you think that goat got lost in the maze-like North Shore mountains or was she “kid”napped by some perverted goat humper? Made into shish kabobs, perhaps?
4. Wait… I need to add salt to my water now? I’m so confused. So very, painstakingly, confused. 

My day was going fine and now… this. 

I think we all need some time off Instagram. Kelly, why did you do this to me?