Stab Magazine | Kelly Slater Offers $5,000 To Internet Troll If He Can Beat Caroline Marks In A Teahupo'o Surf-Off
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Kelly Slater Offers $5,000 To Internet Troll If He Can Beat Caroline Marks In A Teahupo’o Surf-Off

What a time to be an anonymous commenter. 

news // Feb 20, 2020
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Today, we posted (or really, re-posted) a video of Caroline Marks expertly threading a deep Tahitian funnel on our Instagram page. 

The caption read: “To all the naysayers behind their greasy keyboards—sorry, @caroline_markss can’t see you. @wslgive the women a run at Chopes already…”

Not 10 minutes later, an Instagram user by the name of @blacksbsnsn dropped his thoughts in the comment section, presumably typed by his tiny phallus:

“This is the smallest chopes I’ve ever seen but yeah let them drop in on a real slab from there and see how they handle it.”

While the likes slowly compiled on @blacksbsnsn’s self-serving lecture, an even larger number of commenters started to pick apart the clear faults in his logic. Eventually, the venerable @stab (that’s us!) decided to take its own swing:

@blacksbsnsn, Your fake profile with 2 followers says almost everything we need to know about you. Your inability to recognize the technical brilliance of this tube answers the rest. Begone, kook!” (At the time of writing, this comment has received 1,195 “likes” compared to 55 on @blacksbsnsn‘s original post. For what it’s worth, of course.)

But @blacksbsnsn didn’t back down, taunting his opponents with wholly believable claims like, “I charge waves triple that little guy” and the like.

That’s when our knight in shining scalp arrived. 

IMG 3994

Kelly Slater, the 12x World Champion of women’s empowerment, provided a comment so perfectly sinister that we had to share:

@blacksbsnsn I’ll put $5,000 on Caroline against you. Let’s do this. Reveal yourself.”

Now, let’s do some quick math. How many people in the world do you think surf better than Caroline Marks, the number-two female surfer in the world?

My guess—and at risk of sounding misogynistic myself—is somewhere between 100-150. At a long right point, we’re talking sub-100. 

That puts this anonymous commenter’s chances of beating Caroline at roughly 1.875e-7, which is a number so small that I’m surprised it technically exists. 

At the time of writing, @blacksbsnsn has not revealed his identity. He presumably keeps that between himself, his two followers, and all the people who’ve seen him getting kegged at 10-foot Chopes.

UPDATE:

@blacksbsnsn just responded to Kelly, saying [sic]: “why you lieing bro bro we all know you spent all you’re money on that wave pool you dont have the cash to spend like that”

Kelly hit back with: “it’s ‘lying’ and if you lose it doesn’t matter whether I have the money, I will then. Plenty of turns online. Let’s make you famous.

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