Who Is Better At Losing World Title Races, Italo Ferreira Or Julian Wilson?

Now that the Corona Bali Protected is over and the Uluwatu Invitational In Loving Memory Of Margaret River finished on World Ocean Day, everyone can go back to surfing on toxic boards, CO2-fucking the atmosphere with constant travel, stomping on reefs and chugging small plastic bottles of water with the satisfaction of knowing that we have officially saved the entire planet.

Good job everyone.

With that one checked off the to-do list we can now reflect on what was an interesting few weeks in Bali. The island, which was discovered by Rip Curl in 2008, has been referred to as Northern Byron, Far North Bondi and the Island of the Gods. All of these monikers proved to be true as there were plenty of long-hair bearded fellas cruising around both venues in Birkenstocks.

Plenty of good surfing, too. Lots to analyze.

Let’s get into it.

#69 Snowboardos

All it takes is one 540 to get all the snowboardos to come penguin-walking out of the woodwork to tell us we’re naming shit wrong. Ever since the first person did a carve — which they stole from surfing — snowboarding has literally been spinning in circles for decades.

#15 Everyone below 20th place

Just be better. 

#13 Filipe Toledo

He’s the most exciting surfer on the World Tour right now — the male Lakey Peterson so to speak. I designed a calendar to help all the fans out there know when they are allowed to make jokes about him not catching any waves in his heat at Teahupo’o that one year.

With the US Open ending on August 5th and the Tahiti Pro starting shortly thereafter, that week is the perfect time which is why it is marked in green. The acceptable time is featured in yellow and red symbolizes that it’s not worth it and you should go back to making recycled jokes about Charlie Medina instead.

Real talk though: he’ll work on his surfing in bigger/heavier waves, master it and win a World Title in a few years.

#11 Kelly Slater

Kelly surfs as number 11. He also has 11 World Titles. In 1918, World War I ended on the eleventh day of the eleventh month at the eleventh hour. The Apollo 11 was the first spacecraft to “land on the moon.” It took eleven years to build the World Trade Center. Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. Which, in turn, makes Kelly a key player in the movie Loose Change.

My conspiracy theory on the conspiracy theorist is that he’s going to milk the foot injury to tease the WSL into thinking he’s coming back until he can regain the ratings lead right before the organization collapses and Mountain Dew sponsors a wave pool tour. Only way to get to 12.  

#10  Dane Reynolds

Hasn’t been on the CT since the last 6.33 of Raino Monteiro’s career, but his Vimeo page is still better than anything you’re seeing on Instagram.

#9 Lakey Peterson

The SPF rankings kicked off after Snapper Rocks by extending a public threat to the WSL’s judging if she doesn’t win the World Title this year. Things are looking pretty good after Bali. For you, for me, for her, for the judges.

As she was raised in right hand pointbreaks, she is now in a perfect place to lose to Stephanie Gilmore at J-Bay (but still win the Title).

#8 Gabriel Medina

I bet a lot of money on him to win Uluwatu. He didn’t win.

I could have used that money on something smarter and more responsible, like dog racing. I’ll probably keep betting on him though because he has to win an event this year in that same way that the roulette ball has to end up landing on red at some point.

Except at J-Bay. Fuck that.

#7 Mikey Wright

The “Mikey Wright is getting pushed through heats crowd” had a big win when he didn’t even catch a wave in his Round 3 win against John John Florence at Uluwatu. Shame on you WSL.

Other than that, the permanent wildcard is adding something to Tour that nobody even realized we needed.

#6 WSL Lady Who Put Her Fins In Backwards  

Maybe she just didn’t want to “revert” out next time she lands an air reverse (720 in snowboarding).

#4 Italo Ferreira

If his surfing doesn’t make you happy, then you should be relegated to only watching WQS 2000 webcasts so you can experience what true sadness feels like.  

#3 Julian Wilson

He’s going to be worse than Italo at losing the World Title.

#2 Deus x Machina

Pretty crazy that a little motorcycle brand from Canggu could go from being a symbol of the hipster movement to being thanked by the two champions crowned at CT events in Bali this year.

#1 Buffalo Bill Cardoso

He won an event then partied in a tank top with his nickname, Panda, on it. This is the type of powerful maneuver that we haven’t seen since the confidence/great lack of self-awareness of the cocaine fueled days of long ago.

Which is exactly how you get to #1 in the SPF rankings.

Grinder of the events, in loving memory of Bede Durbidge

The people who administer permits in Bali.

Meditation of the event(s)

Namaste.

Conspiracy theory of the event presented by #11

Professional surfing as a whole is biased against goofyfooters.