Hydrofoils Are Destroying John John Florence’s Competitive Success

In the early stages of the 2018 Oi Rio Pro, I’d surmised that the WSL’s Surf Ranch was stealing jobs from the ocean by making professional surfers look boring in conditions that they couldn’t blame on God.

With time, that was proven to be true — it was also proven that the pool was stealing nature’s role of demonstrating that Filipe Toledo is more fun to watch than everybody else.

But we learned much more at the historic groundbreaking event. Here is your current Speed Power Flow look at the World Tour.

After the third-and-a-half contest this year.

#69 The Entire World Qualifying Series

For a great (read: slightly below average) many years, there was a QS event at Saquarema. And for a great (see above) many years, the waves did not look like they did for the Oi Rio Pro.

All of the sudden, the CT 1% elites come in and get waves that were elusive during all those years on the QS.

Meanwhile, this is what was happening at the 6000 event currently running in Japan.

Photo Credit: WSL / Annie Leibovitz

There’s a reason why they say a man can go into that tour an Evan Geiselman and come out of it a Dean Bowen.

#37 Layne Beachley

Stephanie Gilmore’s win shouldn’t have reminded people of how good she is — it should have punched them in the face for forgetting.

You know who hadn’t forgotten, though?

Layne “Layne Beachley” Beachley.

With seven World Titles, she currently holds the record for the most won by any woman.

Steph currently has six titles. She’ll retire with eight.

#23 John Fogerty

As a true power surfer, you knew this probably wouldn’t be the best event for John Fogerty. And it wasn’t — he got a 25th.

But with Keramas and J-Bay coming up, you can be sure that he’ll be doing big enough turns to make the exaggeratory water displacement cliches almost worth it. Top 10 by end of the year.

#25 Jordy Smith

I have him at 25th but put it below 23rd because he needs to learn that success on the CT this year is about more than just numbers.

#19 Kelly Slater’s Foot

Hasn’t surfed a CT heat this year, yet is the subject of the most mysterious medical reporting since the surf industry’s initial coverage of Andy’s passing.

#16 Mikey Wright

To make it on this Tour, you need to learn how to survive not only death threats but also a 13.10 point Gabriel Medina heat total.

There’s going to be a learning curve for the WSL’s favorite wildcard.

The good news is that he’ll have another chance to flop his mullet in the breeze at Keramas.

#10 Griffin Colapinto

Born and raised in the surf-rich town of San Clemente, California, this regular footer has talent to spare. He is well versed in above the lip aerial surfing while boasting incredibly strong fundamentals — likely due to the formative years he spent surfing over the infamous cobblestones of Lower Trestles.

Folks, I’m starting to think that you could almost even compare Griffin Colapinto to Kolohe Andino.

#7 John John Florence

These Rankings analyze all the numbers to draw REAL conclusions about surfing for REAL surf fans. That’s the SPF difference.

While Hydrofoiling has been presented to the masses as a cheap and easy way to enjoy the ocean, the sport might have a dangerous edge just hidden below the surface.

This REAL data shows that hydrofoiling has destroyed John John Florence’s competitive success. If you’ve unironically worn a pair of swimming goggles in the last week, viewer discretion is advised.

The first clips of him foiling came out around this time last year, but everyone already knew he was going to win the World Title by then so it didn’t matter.

What matters is that, with a weird start to the season, he still has time.

If he continues to foil, at least he’s guaranteed a good result in Huntington which he’ll need for his QS campaign.

#5 Julian Wilson

He deserves a World Title. But more than that, surfing deserves him as a World Champ.

Imagine if his face became the face of our sport?

I’m fairly certain it would result in all of us having more sex with strangers.

#3 Filipe Toledo

With even a hint of onshore breeze at Keramas, he might do what Source Interlink tried to do years ago and kill Chris Cote.

Except, instead of buying and shutting down TransWorld Surf, Filipe would kill him by stomping an air that Chris’ excitable heart simply cannot handle.

Expect another 10 in Bali.

#1 Zeke Lau

Zeke Lau finds himself back on top because the WSL literally had to create a new rule due to his behavior. That’s POWER.

He’s currently sixth in the world and has a perfect season earning of exactly $69,000.

It is worth noting that this is not the first time the WSL had to change their rules based off what somebody was doing.

A little known journalism fact is that they actually had to take “style” out of the criteria years ago because Jihad Khodr was getting too many high scores.

Grinder Of The Event: Michael Ciaramella

Meditation Of The Event

Brazilian Storm Outlook

70% chance of victory at Keramas.