Hydrofoils Are Destroying John John Florence’s Competitive Success
Hard-hitting undeniable molten lava truths from the Oi Rio Pro.
In the early stages of the 2018 Oi Rio Pro, I’d surmised that the WSL’s Surf Ranch was stealing jobs from the ocean by making professional surfers look boring in conditions that they couldn’t blame on God.
With time, that was proven to be true — it was also proven that the pool was stealing nature’s role of demonstrating that Filipe Toledo is more fun to watch than everybody else.
But we learned much more at the historic groundbreaking event. Here is your current Speed Power Flow look at the World Tour.
After the third-and-a-half contest this year.
#69 The Entire World Qualifying Series
For a great (read: slightly below average) many years, there was a QS event at Saquarema. And for a great (see above) many years, the waves did not look like they did for the Oi Rio Pro.
All of the sudden, the CT 1% elites come in and get waves that were elusive during all those years on the QS.
Meanwhile, this is what was happening at the 6000 event currently running in Japan.
Photo Credit: WSL / Annie Leibovitz
There’s a reason why they say a man can go into that tour an Evan Geiselman and come out of it a Dean Bowen.
#37 Layne Beachley
Stephanie Gilmore’s win shouldn’t have reminded people of how good she is — it should have punched them in the face for forgetting.
You know who hadn’t forgotten, though?
Layne “Layne Beachley” Beachley.
With seven World Titles, she currently holds the record for the most won by any woman.
Steph currently has six titles. She’ll retire with eight.
#23 John Fogerty
As a true power surfer, you knew this probably wouldn’t be the best event for John Fogerty. And it wasn’t — he got a 25th.
But with Keramas and J-Bay coming up, you can be sure that he’ll be doing big enough turns to make the exaggeratory water displacement cliches almost worth it. Top 10 by end of the year.
#25 Jordy Smith
I have him at 25th but put it below 23rd because he needs to learn that success on the CT this year is about more than just numbers.
#19 Kelly Slater’s Foot
Hasn’t surfed a CT heat this year, yet is the subject of the most mysterious medical reporting since the surf industry’s initial coverage of Andy’s passing.
#16 Mikey Wright
To make it on this Tour, you need to learn how to survive not only death threats but also a 13.10 point Gabriel Medina heat total.
There’s going to be a learning curve for the WSL’s favorite wildcard.
The good news is that he’ll have another chance to flop his mullet in the breeze at Keramas.
#10 Griffin Colapinto
Born and raised in the surf-rich town of San Clemente, California, this regular footer has talent to spare. He is well versed in above the lip aerial surfing while boasting incredibly strong fundamentals — likely due to the formative years he spent surfing over the infamous cobblestones of Lower Trestles.
Folks, I’m starting to think that you could almost even compare Griffin Colapinto to Kolohe Andino.
#7 John John Florence
These Rankings analyze all the numbers to draw REAL conclusions about surfing for REAL surf fans. That’s the SPF difference.
While Hydrofoiling has been presented to the masses as a cheap and easy way to enjoy the ocean, the sport might have a dangerous edge just hidden below the surface.
This REAL data shows that hydrofoiling has destroyed John John Florence’s competitive success. If you’ve unironically worn a pair of swimming goggles in the last week, viewer discretion is advised.
The first clips of him foiling came out around this time last year, but everyone already knew he was going to win the World Title by then so it didn’t matter.
What matters is that, with a weird start to the season, he still has time.
If he continues to foil, at least he’s guaranteed a good result in Huntington which he’ll need for his QS campaign.
#5 Julian Wilson
He deserves a World Title. But more than that, surfing deserves him as a World Champ.
Imagine if his face became the face of our sport?
I’m fairly certain it would result in all of us having more sex with strangers.
#3 Filipe Toledo
With even a hint of onshore breeze at Keramas, he might do what Source Interlink tried to do years ago and kill Chris Cote.
Except, instead of buying and shutting down TransWorld Surf, Filipe would kill him by stomping an air that Chris’ excitable heart simply cannot handle.
Expect another 10 in Bali.
#1 Zeke Lau
Zeke Lau finds himself back on top because the WSL literally had to create a new rule due to his behavior. That’s POWER.
He’s currently sixth in the world and has a perfect season earning of exactly $69,000.
It is worth noting that this is not the first time the WSL had to change their rules based off what somebody was doing.
A little known journalism fact is that they actually had to take “style” out of the criteria years ago because Jihad Khodr was getting too many high scores.
Grinder Of The Event: Michael Ciaramella
Meditation Of The Event
Brazilian Storm Outlook
70% chance of victory at Keramas.
Long Read: Pete Beachy Is No Bore
The life and times of an off-the-grid Alaskan surf pioneer who claims to cure cancer.
Sun Room: The Overnight Success Of A Young Surf Band
What's it like touring the world and living off of McDonald's?
How Surfers Get Paid, Episode 6
An instructional manual for the modern professional surfer
Globe Pulls Out Of The Apparel Game
…and, Taj Burrow and Dion Agius are now looking for new main sponsors.
Owen Wright Announces Retirement From Competitive And Heavy-Water Surfing
But will surf final CT event at Bells.
Fancy An Ale, Some Good Music, And A Bunch Of Tubes?
Ballet's minimalist full-length will satiate your needs.
Take Stab’s 2023 Audience Survey, Win A 3-Board Quiver
Stab towels and Premium subscriptions also up or grabs.
Jessi Miley Dyer On The New Challenger Series Schedule And More
Did you know that you could miss the mid-year cut and still theoretically win the…
Don’t Miss The Last Wave Of The First 2023 SEOTY Entry
Jacob Willcox's ‘Into Dust’ just set the bar.
Warren Smith on New Welcome Rivers Range and Buying Jaguars on Facebook Marketplace
Now available in the Antipodes...
Wavegarden Spills How The Sausage Is Made
BTS of their global air wave rollout ft. Yago Dora, Dion Agius, Reef Heazlewood and…
Minds, Machines, And The Magic Of Hands
How modern shapers split their time between designing files and hand-finishing boards.
Are Hectic Lefts The Final Finless Frontier?
William Aliotti is on the right-foot-forward fringes.
Watch: Luke + Eddie
A mostly unknown, on-duty lifeguard won the most prestigious big-wave event in history. How Luke…
Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.
Already a member? Sign In
Want to join? Sign Up