Stab Magazine | Hawaii Is Staring Down The Barrel Of Hurricane Lane

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Hawaii Is Staring Down The Barrel Of Hurricane Lane

“Massive storms, raging torrents of lava, and chronics run amok are business as usual among the salt-of-the-earth off-the-grid folks who call that land home.”

news // Aug 23, 2018
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes


The National Weather Service has revised its forecast of the path of Hurricane Lane and things don’t look so good. Big Island and Maui County are under a Hurricane Watch.Lane has re-strengthened to Category 4 and has sustained winds of 150 MPH.


Still south of Big Island, projections currently show Lane button hooking beneath the southernmost island in our archipelago, then steamrolling North kicking asses as it passes.

If you’re a transplant from Southern California who still isn’t accustomed to extreme weather despite a decade in these islands it is time to panic.

Time to head to Costco, stock up on the Hawaii essentials. Toilet paper, milk, Heineken. Steinlager (if the Heinekin is already gone). A couple handles of Kirkland brand booze to trade for unwanted children in the event we’re cut off from the mainland for a prolonged period and delirium tremens rear their ugly head. Build a child army, arm them with spearguns, send them marauding among my neighbors. Slightly bruised fallen fruit for days!

Cases of refried beans and vegetarian lentil soup. Grab a bag of dog food. Water too. Can’t forget that.

Hit the dispensary and restock your supply of medicinal weed.You’re gonna need it. Thank your lucky stars you recently acquired a cornucopia of benzos to help cope with the coming terror.There will be no cowering in fear beneath an aging, poorly maintained roof. No sir! Just turn off those emotions and hope the world is still standing when the skies and your mind finally clear.

The house in which I live, a decrepit two bedroom, survived the last hurricane to hit Kauai. It’s a fact of which my wife and landlord remind me each time I freak out. I point out that was twenty six years ago and there’s been no work down on the place since.Our jalousie windows won’t close, the roof’s missing shingles, and I suspect the fact it remained standing back then was merely luck.The main house on the property, a far sturdier affair, was devastated then rebuilt.

Of course any preparation could all be for naught.It usually is.Any mention of ‘Iniki’ sends shivers down the collective spine of Kauai, among transplants and locals alike. We overreact, over-prepare, then the storm swings North early, hammers that strange and terrifying land known as Puna. Then fizzles into nothing.

Those poor fuckers always bear the brunt, but at this point I assume they’re accustomed.Massive storms, raging torrents of lava, and chronics run amok are business as usual among the salt-of-the-earth off-the-grid folks who call that land home.

Local lore says that’s because Madam Pele, volcano goddess, does battle with storms. She lives in Kilauea, shreds hurricanes to bits and preserves the rest of the chain.

But if Lane dodges, sneaks by, and goes where they’re claiming… it’ll be trouble.

Large surf (good stuff), huge storm surges (bad).Devastating flooding on Oahu and a temporary disconnect from the mainland sources of, almost literally, everything we need to survive.


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