Hawaii Is Staring Down The Barrel Of Hurricane Lane - Stab Mag

Live Now — Episode 3 Of Surf100 Challenge Series Presented By Pacifico

254 Views

Hawaii Is Staring Down The Barrel Of Hurricane Lane

“Massive storms, raging torrents of lava, and chronics run amok are business as usual among the salt-of-the-earth off-the-grid folks who call that land home.”

news // Aug 23, 2018
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

 

The National Weather Service has revised its forecast of the path of Hurricane Lane and things don’t look so good. Big Island and Maui County are under a Hurricane Watch.Lane has re-strengthened to Category 4 and has sustained winds of 150 MPH.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/teBz-X38tn4

 

Still south of Big Island, projections currently show Lane button hooking beneath the southernmost island in our archipelago, then steamrolling North kicking asses as it passes.

If you’re a transplant from Southern California who still isn’t accustomed to extreme weather despite a decade in these islands it is time to panic.

Time to head to Costco, stock up on the Hawaii essentials. Toilet paper, milk, Heineken. Steinlager (if the Heinekin is already gone). A couple handles of Kirkland brand booze to trade for unwanted children in the event we’re cut off from the mainland for a prolonged period and delirium tremens rear their ugly head. Build a child army, arm them with spearguns, send them marauding among my neighbors. Slightly bruised fallen fruit for days!

Cases of refried beans and vegetarian lentil soup. Grab a bag of dog food. Water too. Can’t forget that.

Hit the dispensary and restock your supply of medicinal weed.You’re gonna need it. Thank your lucky stars you recently acquired a cornucopia of benzos to help cope with the coming terror.There will be no cowering in fear beneath an aging, poorly maintained roof. No sir! Just turn off those emotions and hope the world is still standing when the skies and your mind finally clear.

The house in which I live, a decrepit two bedroom, survived the last hurricane to hit Kauai. It’s a fact of which my wife and landlord remind me each time I freak out. I point out that was twenty six years ago and there’s been no work down on the place since.Our jalousie windows won’t close, the roof’s missing shingles, and I suspect the fact it remained standing back then was merely luck.The main house on the property, a far sturdier affair, was devastated then rebuilt.

Of course any preparation could all be for naught.It usually is.Any mention of ‘Iniki’ sends shivers down the collective spine of Kauai, among transplants and locals alike. We overreact, over-prepare, then the storm swings North early, hammers that strange and terrifying land known as Puna. Then fizzles into nothing.

Those poor fuckers always bear the brunt, but at this point I assume they’re accustomed.Massive storms, raging torrents of lava, and chronics run amok are business as usual among the salt-of-the-earth off-the-grid folks who call that land home.

Local lore says that’s because Madam Pele, volcano goddess, does battle with storms. She lives in Kilauea, shreds hurricanes to bits and preserves the rest of the chain.

But if Lane dodges, sneaks by, and goes where they’re claiming… it’ll be trouble.

Large surf (good stuff), huge storm surges (bad).Devastating flooding on Oahu and a temporary disconnect from the mainland sources of, almost literally, everything we need to survive.

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Surf100 Challenge Series Presented By Pacifico: Episode 3

"The tribe has spoken," Dane Reynolds pronounced, and a surfer's torch was snuffed.

Jul 3, 2025

When Surfer’s Eye Is Actually Cancer

Erin Campbell's brutal journey from surf camp dreams to chemo drops, cryotherapy, and surgical horror.

Jul 3, 2025

Surfing’s 2025 Q2 Report

An assessment of surfing's vital signs throughout the second quarter of 2025.

Jul 2, 2025

What Actually Happened to Occy’s Mad Max Plunger Pool In Yeppoon?

Surf Lakes’ brass talks: internet hecklers, the unplugging of the plunger, and the Tom Curren…

Jul 2, 2025

Poor Goofy Foots 

Data shows that the world is stacked against goofs — they even make 15% less money than…

Jul 1, 2025

Britain’s First Wavepool Has Closed — What Really Happened?

Bankruptcy, social media hackings, debts unpaid — and yet, reopening looms.

Jul 1, 2025

Watch: Was Matt Meola’s Air Actually Better Than Hughie’s?

Watch the full Swatch Nines highlight reel and decide.

Jun 30, 2025

Houshmand Bludgeons Field To Win Second CT — Molly Picklum Tastes Blood, Snatches World #1 In Brazil

You can't argue with big surfing — that's Saquarema wrapped.

Jun 29, 2025

37 Years Old And World #1 — What’s Changed For Jordy Smith?

On rediscovering decades old surfboard templates, having a personality on the CT, and why this…

Jun 27, 2025

Tom Lowe Stars in ‘Let Me Live’

The wild, improbable ascent of Britain’s best big-wave surfer.

Jun 27, 2025

Saq Wrap: Italo Celebrates Mid-Heat, Griff Drops A Freestyle, Jordy + Yago Continue BBQing 20-YOs

Top seeds sow ruin, Final 5 starts to crystallize.

Jun 27, 2025

Surf100 Challenge Series Presented By Pacifico: Episode 2

Our seven surviving surfers confront an oddly large California beach break.

Jun 26, 2025

SEOTY: The ‘Once-In-A-Decade’ Caribbean Swell That Kelly Slater Passed On

Michael Dunphy stars in Jimmicane's 'Blue Veil'

Jun 25, 2025

Who Owns Bingin? Legal Fight To Stop Demolition Begins

Eviction notices served for all businesses built on state land.

Jun 25, 2025

Tony Hawk Just Named Hughie Vaughan’s Internet-Breaking Air Because… No One Else Can

89% of our IG poll respondents claimed the 'stale fish flipper' was the best air…

Jun 25, 2025

German Surfers: AN INVESTIGATION

Truth is the light by which the world can see. 

Jun 24, 2025

“I Lost Everything I’ve Ever Owned, But This Board Came Back”

One month after the LA wildfires, a surfboard washed ashore.

Jun 24, 2025

Shock Therapy: World 1 & 2 Eliminated Early In Saquarema

Gabriela Bryan and Caity Simmers fall victim on Day 1 of the Vivo Rio Pro.

Jun 22, 2025
Advertisement