Gallery: We Sincerely Apologize For The 5’6 Ethan Ewing Cut-Out At Our SITD Premiere
Celebrating elite shapes of every kind.
A few things I didn’t see on my tarot reading before I started working at Stab.
One, a FaceTime call from a tanned Costa Rica transplant named Michael at approximately 9:20 AM every morning.
Two, convincing my team that a life-size cutout of Ethan Ewing is absolutely essential to the success of our Stab In The Dark finale premiere. Then having a panic attack because the black-and-white, five-foot-nothing EE replica did our tall, chiseled star zero justice. (Sadly, by the time we realized it was too late.)
Three, tossing said printout of surfing’s heartthrob at the Stab In The Dark finalists, and directing three grown men, in dead seriousness: “Smile big, torso a bit higher please, act like you’re enjoying this — Britt, wait, one more for the iPhone.”
Four, Stab’s unofficial spokesperson, Josiah Amico, asking me: “Do you find leaning into the sensual side of Ethan Ewing is a bit over the top?”
No, no I do not.
Fortunately, to my and Oceanside’s delight, Josiah brought more than one reference to what is arguably the best backside on tour. Yes, this Tik Tok aged like a a fine cab.
At last night’s premiere, the crowd counted some 600 heads, some of whom were continuing a momentous streak that began at Stab High Virginia Beach not two weeks back.
Under sunset hues, people started to fill in at the Tremont Collective around 7PM. Outside, our friends at Billabong — who made this whole occasion possible — and Lyndie Irons raffled off tickets for Andy’s Hope Fund, which aids at-risk Kaua‘i youth.
Inside the soon-to-be Salud Pilates studio, we poured Kona Big Waves as our beloved Stab Premium members collected a one-time drop of navy blue Stab In The Dark merch. An undercooked game of stick your name to the board you think won became the catalyst for conspiracies like: “JS won because we’re right next to the JS Garage,” and “Channel Islands took it because there’s the most pressure dings.”
Nearby, Hayden Cox, Dan Mann and Britt Merrick entertained theories and embraced their boards as if they were soldiers returning from a Sumbawan machete war. After the premiere, Ethan Ewing plucked names off the winning boards, and awarded Premium members with SITD replicas (whose rails were spray-painted by Stab filmmaker Blake Michel the night before).
Before we pressed play, 600 voices fell mute as Ethan Ewing and our finalists stepped on stage. A rapid-fire round of multiple choice questions session ensued as we made the most of the last moment with our star. The 27-year-old’s takes included:
- Darren Handley and Britt Merrick should have a surfoff
- He prefers the nickname Meat Axe (Given by Taj Burrow) to Smooth Gorilla (Given by Dane Reynolds)
- Dan Mann was the least expected, but most pleasant surprise of the series.
Then, we let the shapers have a go. Britt Merrick shot his shot, asking Ethan: “How do you maintain such a public sense of humility?” In all earnestness, Dan Mann asked, “What was it like surfing 12 boards under a microscope in such a condensed amount of time?”
TLDR: Not easy.
After an hour of watching seductive rail surfing and a Taj Burrow hype edit, a winner was crowned.
You’ll have to watch the Season Finale to find out who. We’ll announce the winner publicly on Monday, June 1.
