Stab Magazine | Gabriel Medina Had A Better New Year's Eve Than You (Again!)

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Gabriel Medina Had A Better New Year’s Eve Than You (Again!)

The man simply can’t stop winning. 

news // Jan 1, 2019
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Last year we posted a titillating story on New Years Eve about Gabriel Medina. It was titled “Gabriel Medina Is Having A Better New Years Eve Than You”.

Said story was constructed around the premise that Gabby was polling his followers to decide which female(s) he should spend the night with. This bold assumption came from the fact that, on multiple occasions throughout the night, Medina would post Instagram stories with two females in frame, typically with himself between them, and then in the same image, Medina would create an Instagram poll with an emoji depicting each visible female via her hair color.

For instance, if the photo showed a blonde girl on Medina’s left and a brunette on his right, the poll would show the same, providing any of Medina’s followers the ability to cast their “vote”, presumably on the superior-looking female.

Despite the widespread appeal of this article, Medina’s lawyers had it pulled down on the premise that Stab “insinuated” the use of certain party drugs at Medina’s NYE bash.

Screen Shot 2019 01 01 at 5.37.38 AM

All that remains from the 2018 saga.

Having learned from that faux pas, we’ll assume that everyone in this year’s image (top of page) is sotally tober, while also recognizing that 27 (count ’em) females to 3 males is a fairly ideal ratio if you want to get laid — especially if you’re Gabriel Medina, recently 2x World Champion surfing, next to Neymar Jr., undisputed prince of Brazilian soccer, and Arthur Melo, apparently another Brazilian soccer star.

A 9:1 ratio is something that would make most men quiver with fear of incompetence, impotence, etc., but for Medina, who as proven by his recent run at the Pipeline Masters is nothing short of heroic in the clutch, this is just another night at the Roxbury.

Feel no need to help Medina decide who he’ll sleep with tonight, dear readers. It could be one, it could be none, or it could be every last one of them.

Happy 2019!

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