Stab Magazine | Foils And SUPS Beware, Seabreachers™ Rule The Lineup Now

Foils And SUPS Beware, Seabreachers™ Rule The Lineup Now

“Can you imagine paddling into a wave, looking down the line with fervid anticipation, only to have one of these fuckers Free Willie from below and commandeer your section?”

news // Apr 12, 2018
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Lineups the world over have come under seige of late, with SUPers taking the first swings at surfers’ perceived superiority followed shortly by those #loyaltothefoil.

Painful as it is, I must admit that with the advent of the SUP foil, surfers have officially forfeited their spot atop the waveriding hierarchy. These unnecessarily floatatious and treacherous crafts have come, they have seen, and they have conquered.

The one silver lining is that no human, despite how ludicrous his toy, could ever replace the true champions of the lineup. Those mammals amongst us who paddle five times as fast, take eight times as many waves, and perform above-and-below-the-lip maneuvers with more speed, power, and flow than any sapien could–homo or otherwise.

Of course I’m talking about dolphins! You know, the swimmy grey fuckers with a butthole on their forehead who make the ee-ee-ee-ee sound?

“Dolphins are always the best surfers in the water,” Gerry Lopez once said. Or maybe it was Laird. Joe Turpel? Whatever.

The point is that dolphins are, undeniably, the sharks of the ocean. They run shit.

And now, for a mere 80-to-100 thousand dollars, you can run shit too.  

Introducing the Seabreacher.

Can you imagine paddling into a wave, looking down the line with fervid anticipation, only to have one of these fuckers Free Willie from below and commandeer your section? It would be humiliating and amazing all at once. 

The best thing about the Seabreacher? Once you’re inside, there’s nothing anybody can say or do to stop you from catching every damn wave.

You’re in a personal fucking submarine! They’ll do 65 clips above water, 30 below, and best of all it’s completely punch-proof. Probably even rock-proof, if you plan on bringing it to Lunada.

Looking to the future, though, should these become the go-to for water rescue?

Gone will be the days of flipped skis, missed connections, fleeing to the channel during rogue sets…

When an oncoming wave threatens the Seabreacher, it can simply bail beneath surface, ride out the turbulence, and pop up unscathed. Sure, you’d kill the only exciting aspect of most big wave events, but still… Safety, functionality, etc.

Frankly, I think I might quit my job as a surf propagandist so that I can eventually afford one of these peerless ocean vessels. It’ll be a rough few years out of the water, but once I attain the necessary funds, I’ll be able to catch literally any wave I want, anywhere in the world, unchallenged.

An undeniably worthy payoff.

If you’re already rich, get one here, asshole. 



Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up


Most Recent


“I’m A West Oz Bogan For Sure, I Just Don’t Have The Mullet”

The first SEOTY entry of 2023 is ‘Into Dust’ ft. Jacob Willcox.

Mar 20, 2023

Warren Smith on New Welcome Rivers Range and Buying Jaguars on Facebook Marketplace  

Now available in the Antipodes...

Mar 20, 2023


Wavegarden Spills How The Sausage Is Made

BTS of their global air wave rollout ft. Yago Dora, Dion Agius, Reef Heazlewood and…

Mar 18, 2023

Minds, Machines, And The Magic Of Hands

How modern shapers split their time between designing files and hand-finishing boards.

Mar 18, 2023


Are Hectic Lefts The Final Finless Frontier?

William Aliotti is on the right-foot-forward fringes.

Mar 17, 2023

Watch: Luke + Eddie

A mostly unknown, on-duty lifeguard won the most prestigious big-wave event in history. How Luke…

Mar 17, 2023


A Pipe Master, Ryan Burch, And Some Pickle Forks On The Eastern Seaboard

This one ticks a lot of boxes

Mar 16, 2023

Brazil Has A Talent Problem

And three other things we learned from the Rip Curl Pro Portugal.

Mar 16, 2023


Mick Fanning On A Unicorn, Bags Of Dicks, And A Shocking Script Read By Surfing’s Biggest Stars

Vaughan Blakey and Nick Pollet on their outrageous film, 'The Greatest Surf Movie In The…

Mar 15, 2023

Italo Ferreira Caught 63 Waves In An Hour

And other stats from our Stab in the Dark production.

Mar 15, 2023


Can A Freesurfer Go The Other Way? A Dakoda Walters Case Study

The 57-kilo Aussie has taken a Stab High approach to trad contest surfing.

Mar 15, 2023

Caity Simmers And João Chianca Fulfill Respective Prophecies Under Gaze Of Portuguese President

A very good day of competitive surfing.

Mar 14, 2023

Kelly And Steph Are In Trouble

What's a GOAT gotta do to make the cut around here?

Mar 14, 2023


“I Used To Only Surf Here With One Guy…His Name’s Henry, And He’s A Seal”

A contemplation on the frigid desolation of Iceland.

Mar 14, 2023

World #1 Carissa Moore Vanquished By Front Pad Toting Wildcard, Lucky Few Get Supertubed

‘Go hard or go home, innit’ 

Mar 13, 2023

Hungover Hold-Downs, Patent Feuds, And One-In-A-Million Malfunctions Involving 11x World Champs: The Story Of Surfing’s Inflatable Vests

These things changed the game.

Mar 13, 2023


Parker Coffin Tells Ex: ‘Thank You For Everything’

Freesurfing’s best communicator leaves a classy farewell to Roark.

Mar 13, 2023

Interview: Caity Simmers On Machete Wars, Rihanna, Personal Project Problems, And The Rise Of Female Surf Content. 

A toast to ‘Toasted.’

Mar 13, 2023