Whatever It Takes To Become The Ultimate Surfer - Stab Mag
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This wasn't in the brochure.

Whatever It Takes To Become The Ultimate Surfer

Oh dear… Episode 4.

Words by The Ultimate Surf Fan

I don’t understand why they made the Ultimate Surfer an actual show on TV.

Like, why did they put it on cable tv, instead of a streaming platform.

As someone who vapes, I don’t have a cable TV plan, nor do I expect to get one in my lifetime. In fact, the only reason I’m able to watch the show is because my mom was kind enough to share her Xfinity password.

Normal television is a dying concept, as Netflix, Hulu, and Disney+ provide commercial-free entertainment without a set schedule. According to eMarketer, the number of US households that still subscribe to cable TV is less than 75% of what it was in 2013.

Would the Ultimate Surfer perform better on a streaming platform? Perhaps, but let’s not forget this isn’t the only series the WSL has invested time into. 

Photo by Barripp

Last year they partnered with Box To Box films and sold a six-part docuseries to Apple TV+, which promises a behind-the-scenes look into the WCT. 

Box To Box films is known for their Formula 1 racing series ‘Drive To Survive,’ which brought ESPN’s average viewers per race from about 547,000 in 2018 to about 928,000 in 2021.

The series on Apple TV+ seems like a guaranteed success, so maybe the Ultimate Surfer was just a chance to gamble on something different?

Enough speculating, episode 4 is starting.

Mooooooooooooo, beach battle time.

Joel Turpel and Erin Coscarelli enter in an amazing, slightly uncomfortable slow motion montage. 

Our hosts introduce the paddle battle challenge. The two surfers from a single team lay down on a paddleboard attached to a rope and paddle as hard as possible. They play tug-of-war against an opposing team, attached to the other end of the rope.

Faces are close to butts, and the grunting is relentless. I am at a loss for words. Who signed off on this human centipede?

Zeke and Malia win, but we all lose. I am now maximum uncomfy and can no longer eat the Hors d’oeuvres I prepared before the show.

Zalia wins an extra wave for the next challenge, brand new paddleboards, and they get to make 2 other teams swap partners.

Now, Alejandro is partnered with Brianna, and Tia with Mason.

Kelly returns but is still trapped in the television. I wonder if the goat has cable. He introduces the crossover challenge, which means our contestants have to execute a perfect party wave. Two surfers, one wave, and hopefully less grunting than the previous challenge.

Tia and Mason are nervous going into their wave, but scrape together a 6.67.

Zeke and Malia walk up like super villains ready to continue their dominance, but the communication is off. They use their free ride from the unmentionable acts and piece together a cleaner second round. Crisses cross, Zeke makes a jump, and the red team ends with a high ten. Not a score, like a double high five.

Alejandro and Brianna dance salsa through their set with an 8.17.

Koa positions himself deeeeeeep in the barrel, but Juli doesn’t stall quite enough to join him, they get a 7.23.

Alejandro and Bri win the comp and get all the power, but choose to leave Zeke and Malia alone.

Koa and Juli get thrown into the surf off, taking Tia (who is 2-0 in the surf off) and Mason with them. Koa claims he’s going to make out with his board if he wins. The sex drive of this show is too much to process, so I add yet another lock to my chastity belt.

Tia throws it down, leaving the rest of the fellas wondering how she isn’t on tour already. Juli surprisingly answers with an equally deep barrel and a few turns that aren’t quite enough.

Koa pieces together a solid run and Mason gets clipped by the tube.

Mason and Juli go home. I drink too many hard kombuchas and ask my ex if she wants to go paddle boarding at 4am.

See you next week.

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