Whatever It Takes To Become The Ultimate Surfer - Stab Mag

Live In 8 Days: Stab High Japan Presented By Monster Energy

This wasn't in the brochure.

Whatever It Takes To Become The Ultimate Surfer

Oh dear… Episode 4.

news // Sep 1, 2021
Words by The Ultimate Surf Fan
Reading Time: 3 minutes

I don’t understand why they made the Ultimate Surfer an actual show on TV.

Like, why did they put it on cable tv, instead of a streaming platform.

As someone who vapes, I don’t have a cable TV plan, nor do I expect to get one in my lifetime. In fact, the only reason I’m able to watch the show is because my mom was kind enough to share her Xfinity password.

Normal television is a dying concept, as Netflix, Hulu, and Disney+ provide commercial-free entertainment without a set schedule. According to eMarketer, the number of US households that still subscribe to cable TV is less than 75% of what it was in 2013.

Would the Ultimate Surfer perform better on a streaming platform? Perhaps, but let’s not forget this isn’t the only series the WSL has invested time into. 

Photo by Barripp

Last year they partnered with Box To Box films and sold a six-part docuseries to Apple TV+, which promises a behind-the-scenes look into the WCT. 

Box To Box films is known for their Formula 1 racing series ‘Drive To Survive,’ which brought ESPN’s average viewers per race from about 547,000 in 2018 to about 928,000 in 2021.

The series on Apple TV+ seems like a guaranteed success, so maybe the Ultimate Surfer was just a chance to gamble on something different?

Enough speculating, episode 4 is starting.

Mooooooooooooo, beach battle time.

Joel Turpel and Erin Coscarelli enter in an amazing, slightly uncomfortable slow motion montage. 

Our hosts introduce the paddle battle challenge. The two surfers from a single team lay down on a paddleboard attached to a rope and paddle as hard as possible. They play tug-of-war against an opposing team, attached to the other end of the rope.

Faces are close to butts, and the grunting is relentless. I am at a loss for words. Who signed off on this human centipede?

Zeke and Malia win, but we all lose. I am now maximum uncomfy and can no longer eat the Hors d’oeuvres I prepared before the show.

Zalia wins an extra wave for the next challenge, brand new paddleboards, and they get to make 2 other teams swap partners.

Now, Alejandro is partnered with Brianna, and Tia with Mason.

Kelly returns but is still trapped in the television. I wonder if the goat has cable. He introduces the crossover challenge, which means our contestants have to execute a perfect party wave. Two surfers, one wave, and hopefully less grunting than the previous challenge.

Tia and Mason are nervous going into their wave, but scrape together a 6.67.

Zeke and Malia walk up like super villains ready to continue their dominance, but the communication is off. They use their free ride from the unmentionable acts and piece together a cleaner second round. Crisses cross, Zeke makes a jump, and the red team ends with a high ten. Not a score, like a double high five.

Alejandro and Brianna dance salsa through their set with an 8.17.

Koa positions himself deeeeeeep in the barrel, but Juli doesn’t stall quite enough to join him, they get a 7.23.

Alejandro and Bri win the comp and get all the power, but choose to leave Zeke and Malia alone.

Koa and Juli get thrown into the surf off, taking Tia (who is 2-0 in the surf off) and Mason with them. Koa claims he’s going to make out with his board if he wins. The sex drive of this show is too much to process, so I add yet another lock to my chastity belt.

Tia throws it down, leaving the rest of the fellas wondering how she isn’t on tour already. Juli surprisingly answers with an equally deep barrel and a few turns that aren’t quite enough.

Koa pieces together a solid run and Mason gets clipped by the tube.

Mason and Juli go home. I drink too many hard kombuchas and ask my ex if she wants to go paddle boarding at 4am.

See you next week.


Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up


Most Recent

Ferrari Boyz: Holly Wawn

"I've had 4, 5, maybe 6 cars... I'm a car dealer I reckon."

Jun 13, 2024

A Miscalculated Shallow Dive, Neck-First, Into The Waters Of Japanese Surfing

How is surfing different in the land of cherry blossoms?

Jun 13, 2024

How Has Ian Crane Made 4/5 Stab High Finals?

And who he's most afraid of competing against in Japan.

Jun 13, 2024

“I Haven’t Seen Anyone That Young And That Keen For Heavy Waves In A Decade” —Shane Dorian

Jacob Turner is 16 years old and trying to paddle tow sets at Teahupo'o...on his…

Jun 12, 2024

Long Read: 1,000 Ways To Die In Indonesia

18,000 islands of beautiful people, world-class waves, and danger around every corner.

Jun 11, 2024

Watch: Craig Anderson And Kaito Ohashi Find (Mostly) Empty Waves In Southeast Asia

Oh, and enter to win a grand worth of DB gear.

Jun 11, 2024

Brad Gerlach Rode A 600cc Motorbike Through Europe’s 1980’s Psychedelic Renaissance  

"Fuck London. Let’s just buy motorcycles tomorrow and drive to France, man."

Jun 11, 2024

Caroline Marks Goes Two-In-A-Row And John John Florence Wins First CT Event Since 2020 At The Surf City El Salvador Pro

Plus, we asked Chris Cote for a look into the commentary team's psyche and Griff…

Jun 9, 2024

Why Is Mavericks Core Getting Overrun By Yuppies?

And other questions from our audience — answered by Pete Mel, Mick Fanning, and Joel…

Jun 9, 2024

Everything Worth Remembering From 4 (Mostly) Forgettable Quarterfinals In El Salvador

Plus, what's the consensus on the Griff vs. João kerfluffle?

Jun 8, 2024

Wildcard Big-dogs Italo, Yago Pops The Cork, And Griffin Cops An Ambiguous Interference On Day 2 In El Salvador

"Honestly, that was a bad... uhh I mean, a tough call." - Strider

Jun 8, 2024

Let’s Talk About This Griffin Interference…

"Don't hate the player, hate the game." - Joao Chianca.

Jun 8, 2024

Chippa Wilson Picks The Air Section We’ll Be Using For Stab High Japan Presented By Monster Energy

PerfectSwell Shizunami has 4 ramps to choose from — which one excites our 2019 champ?

Jun 8, 2024

JJF And Yago Soar, Brisa And Molly Sear, And Olympic Surfers Get Drug Tested On Day 1 Of Surf City El Salvador Pro

"These rocks are like basketballs covered in slime."

Jun 7, 2024

Cheat Codes: Optimizing Surfing’s Pain-To-Joy Ratio With Mason Ho

How to keep your skull intact, your forecast accurate, and your morale unbothered — no…

Jun 6, 2024

El Sal Fits: Wear it

A Surf City Punta Roca Pro preview. 

Jun 5, 2024

Everything You Need To Know About Stab High Japan Presented By Monster Energy

Who, when, where, and how to watch.

Jun 5, 2024

Are We About To Finally See A Properly Pumping Punta Roca Event?

San Diego’s working class foamball authority offers his predictions. 

Jun 5, 2024