Rip Curl Presents: You, Quantified

Ever wonder why there’s something rather than nothing?

What it might’ve felt like to live 50,000 years ago, when the planet was a crowded share-house of hominid species, all shaggy, upright, and semi-literate?

Would you romance a Neanderthal?

Plenty did. Cross-species coitus wasn’t frowned upon back then. The proof’s in your genome. Little Pleistocene flings encoded in your mitochondria.

Also, what the fuck is the colour yellow? Why are we conscious instead of unconscious?

And, closer to home, how fast are you actually moving on a surfboard?

We may never crack the big ones — why reality exists, or how foxy a Neanderthal might look in a tight red dress — but the surfboard thing? That, at least, we can answer. And a few other slippery questions, while we’re at it.

For that, we look to the alliance of remarkable tech, Rip Curl, and the man we consult on most metaphysical matters: Sir Mason Ho.

The GPS3 is the latest in Rip Curl’s tracking lineup. A quiet upgrade from the old Search GPS, for those with a statistical itch they need scratched.
It logs:
— paddle count
— wave speed
— distance covered
— and live surf reports courtesy of Surfline

If you’re already wrist-deep in a smartwatch, there’s also an iOS app. It turns your Apple Watch into something less ornamental.

To get a sense of the speeds you probably won’t reach, here’s some data from Mason Ho’s latest Mexico trip:

• Spot 1
  • Waves: 28
  • Top speed: 45.3 km/h
  • Distance: ~18 km
  • Duration: 2 hours, 52 minutes, 23 seconds
• Spot 2
  • Waves: 25
  • Top speed: 35.8 km/h
  • Distance: nearly 20 km
  • Duration: 2 hours, 52 minutes, 56 seconds
• Spot 3
  • Waves: 27
  • Top speed: 39.2 km/h
  • Distance: 15 km
  • Duration: 2 hours, 17 minutes, 29 seconds
• Spot 4
  • Waves: 15
  • Top speed: 40.5 km/h
  • Distance: 15.5 km
  • Duration: 2 hours, 3 minutes, 31 seconds
• Spot 5
  • Waves: 16
  • Top speed: 52.5 km/h
  • Distance: 16 km
  • Duration: 2 hours, 0 minutes, 14 seconds
• Spot 6
  • Waves: 10
  • Top speed: 40.8 km/h
  • Distance: nearly 12.6 km
  • Duration: 2 hours, 27 minutes, 47 seconds

Think you can hold a candle to Mase? There’s also the ‘Boss of the Break’ feature — a localism loophole in the making. Next time you scorch Eddie Rothman in Hawaii, just flash your wrist spreadsheet and casually mention you clocked a higher top speed. Should do the trick. Before you know it, you’ll be sharing tea and scones and getting your pick at second reef Pipe.

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