The GOAT Torches Aus PM Scott Morrison For ‘Appalling’ Response To Flood Disaster - Stab Mag
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The GOAT Torches Aus PM Scott Morrison For ‘Appalling’ Response To Flood Disaster

Sco Mo should expect a ‘frosty reception’ in Lismore today, says Labor Emergency Minister.

elsewhere // Mar 8, 2022
Words by Ethan Davis
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Australia PM Scott Morrison, who famously brought a lump of coal into parliament triumphantly announcing, ‘This is coal. Don’t be afraid, don’t be scared,” pointing to the carbon lump, and who is also rumored to have shat his pants after the Cronulla Sharks lost the 97’ NRL Grand Final at Engadine McDonald’s, has been torched by 11x World Champ Kelly Slater after an “appalling” response to the Australian flood disasters. The east coast has been devastated by extreme floods the past week. The death toll from the crisis currently stands at 17 — six deaths in NSW and 13 in Queensland. 

Slater took to IG to condemn the fact local communities have been left to do far too much of the clean up job on their own. “The lack of federal assistance in the flood zones in northern NSW has been nothing short of appalling. The stories from friends are hard to comprehend,” wrote the GOAT on Monday. 

“But the gathering of local communities has been inspiring to watch from afar. So while the MP @scottmorrisonmp and cohorts pat themselves on the back or poke fun at people who ‘live in the gum trees’, the communities will continue to get on with the tasks at hand in helping their neighbours.” 

Scott Morrison has been widely criticized for a failure to deploy emergency services and military soon enough in what many believe should’ve been treated as ‘A State of Emergency’.  “Not even a mention of the thousands of people who kept this country afloat the last week while you didn’t activate any emergency teams?! This was needed on Day 1,” wrote local surfer and environmentalist, Brinkley Davies. “Morrison had $5 billion in a disaster fund just sitting there they haven’t touched. They have $16 billion in unallocated funding they plan to buy the election with,” wrote surf writer and climate activist, Sean O’Doherty. Instead the federal government banged the drums of the war machine announcing they would spend $10 billion on a new submarine base. 

Scotty’s biggest blunder though, came after a video surfaced of ADF personnel doing a staged photoshoot in Lismore after a questionable presence doing anything useful on the ground. Scotty then posted the staged photos to his IG account thanking the ADF for ‘working tirelessly to clean-up after these devastating floods’. Sco Mo who was the former managing director of Tourism Australia between 2004 and 2006, and no stranger to rebranding natural disasters with euphemisms, has now reaffirmed his rightful claim to the satirical nickname #ScottyFromMarketing. 

After recovering from a bout of the spicy cough, Scotty is expected to tour disaster affected areas today. He should expect an ‘frosty reception’ in Lismore, says the Labour disaster and emergency management minister, Murray Watt. 

Scotty, familiar with the sensation of hot brown sludge running down his thighs, perhaps even fond of it, can expect a similarly foul-smelling odour to waft from below when he arrives at the scene in Lismore resembling a Calcutta slum post-Nuclear explosion. 

More to come on this. 

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