Report: Indonesian Lineups Near Empty Following Gov’t Ban On Premarital Hanky Panky 

Indonesia’s lineups are rumored to be near-empty today after the government passed laws banning pre-martial sex and co-habitation before marriage.

Under the new laws set to take effect in 2025, unwed couples ‘caught in the act’ can be imprisoned for up to a year, with jail terms applying equally to locals and tourists. 

It is alleged that hundreds of AirBnB bookings for waterfront Bukit villas in the year 2025 have been canceled citing the ‘Bali Bonk Ban’ in what has been dubbed the ‘most shocking human rights blow to bachelors, bachelorettes and schoolies’ since the Sky Garden nightclub in central Kuta shutdown in 2019. 

‘I literally only came here for one thing,’ one audibly gutted bachelor told Stab. ‘Now I’m considering flying to the Gold Coast to try my luck at the surf hostels there… I feel personally attacked,’ he added sadly. 

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On the sunny side, the crowd at Ulus has never looked so sparse and Tugun-based dad Mark, a 12x Bali veteran whose ‘here with (his) missus’ was quick to endorse the conservative Muslim governments decision to sex police extramarital affairs.

“I’ve seen this wave slip through my fingers to little hotshot Americans and Brazzos for years now. Finally there is hope it’ll be restored to the Halcyon days… Good riddance mad rooters and Alhamdulillah – is that how you say it?”

More to come.