Rat King Rises To Power,  Crowns Free Willy As July’s COTM

I,  Mr Cheddar, in the spirit of fairness and democracy, have recused myself from participation in Stab’s Comment of the Month competition from this point onward.

I’ll admit it’s a bit unfair, given I was once a full time junior editor here, exercising the role of an even shorter Plato to Mikey Ciaramella’s Socrates.

Collusion. Treason. Inside information. I stand accused of all these claims since my 2025 COTM Crusade. While they bear no truth, I understand the optics aren’t great, especially riding the tail winds of Kellygate.

Related: Mr Cheddar’s Love Letter to Stab High

As of today, my spouts of keyboard diarrhea will no longer be eligible for COTM or COTY. Instead I, in the spirit of fairness and democracy, am appointing myself acting commissioner of COTM. That’s right, each month I will address the high council, partake in deciding the victor, and crown them via site post.

As a Disqus regular myself, I’m certain that you are all mutated freaks. Make no mistake, you’re sewer people, plagued by desk jobs, sunlight deficiency, and disheveled neoprene. But you’re my sewer people, and as your fearless rodent leader I promise to steer us towards Valhalla.

Each month I will do everything in my power to ensure the top comment is broadcasted above ground, reverberating off high rises and striking fear into the penthouses of surfing’s elite.

Moving on from this totally fair and democratic self-election, here’s July:

An orphaned boy can save a whale only so many times before one starts to ask questions. Perhaps Willy is the problem, refusing to take accountability for his own Odontoceti life? Is this whale just a co-dependent narcissist?

Hard to know for sure, but ChicJoe came in clutch with a reasonable way to shark-proof your next surf. A buddy of mine is a self-proclaimed “Willy Head” and even he concedes to the third film being unwatchable.

Please Mr Joe, email *insert stab email* to claim your free year of Stab Premium.

Honorable Mention:

Ah yes, addressing the elephant in the room, and why it vanished some hours later. If you scroll down in the Disqus you’ll find Sam O’Mac did a pretty good job addressing why this episode of StabMic got the boot.

Brilliant stuff Mr. Coconuts, I see great potential here. And who the fuck signed off on a surf mag covering shark week anyway? Don’t make no sense, like a surf brand executive saying he wants to sponsor an F1 driver.

That’s all folks, see you in a month. Cheddar out. *insert sunglasses emoji*