7 Surfers Stab would Kickstart

A Tom Fjord musing…

In April we reported on the great Ricardo Christie’s Sportfunder campaign (think Kickstarter for athletes). At the time Ricardo was seeking $20k from a benevolent crowd to finance his ASP campaign in absence of a major sponsor — money he’s since raised, by the way, and then some. Ain’t this internet a party?

Skip ahead to today, our minds roaming the post-Fijian news desert for a sparkle, and Stab got to thinking which other surfers might mount a bangin’ crowd-funded effort of their own. Not just for comp entries and travel cost; let’s get creative!

Herewith, a few ideas outta the morning cup.

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CJ Hobgood, worthy of every penny he’s slung. One of the two best goofyfooters at Cloudbreak. ASP/Kirstin

CJ Hobgood

The fact that CJ’s still rocking a bald nose years after losing Globe head-to-toe is a quandary for the sages. Like, it’s troubling. If he can’t get support then we should truly wring hands for the wave of grommets now dodging school to go pro. Think of the children!

But for Ceej, who fosters goodwill among all living things, who has a keen mind and mouth, whose surfing remains obstinately sweet well into those golden 30s, we gotta think he could raise a stack on Sportfunder without breaking a sweat. And if he and Dam would pledge to restart their Goods blog, that paragon of athlete journalism-slash-other fun rubbish, game over.

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Alex Florence, filmed by one of her sons, John John. Photo: Spencer Suitt

Alex Florence

As in, mum to Nathan and Ivan and a coupla Johns. Her gilded double helix is a national treasure — shame to kill the assembly line after three, no?

We’re sayin’ if Alex were to crowd-fund a fourth child with a “you pays, I raise” scheme, for the good of the surf world and posterity, and we’d all get 33% more Florence for decades to come, ya gotta think that’s a success story for everybody (if a morally reprehensible one…but since when’ve we claimed the moral pulpit, huh? Make it rain!).

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Bobby! We miss your wicked tongue and unrelenting backhand! Photo: DJ Struntz

Bobby Martinez

Dear Bobby! A Stab favourite! Picture him hanging up the gloves a minute (or leave them on, Bob! Like Skeletor Collins!) and returning to World Tour splendour with no sponsor muzzle, no tie to his proverbial wrist, beholden only to the digital rabble (us and you) for his next meal.

He’d surf and speak freely — in fact, one post-heat rant per contest would be written into his contract with the crowd. Truth dealt with violent passion? ASP officials visibly tense in his proximity? A wicked backhand? Nothing could empty our wallets faster, we estimate, than Bobby Martinez. And we mean that in every sense.

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All we want is more of this. Is that so much to ask? You don’t even gotta leave Ventura! Photo: Seth de Roulet

Dane Reynolds

First, it should be said that we’ve established — if forced to choose — that we’d see Dane/Marine Layer’s new Craig Ando flick Slow Dance over Jen Lawrence’s knockers. An internal Stab survey confirms. So it ain’t that we’re unexcited about the Craig film.

All we’re sayin’ is, hypothetically, if there were a Kickstarter where we could pay to make Dane pause this auteur kick and get back in front of a lens full-on, churning out regular clips (weekly? Do we dare to dream?)…yeah, we’d put five on it.

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This side of Filipe’s game is totes dialled. Imagine a little more meat on dem bones, and hurt in those turns. Scary good! ASP/Kirstin

Filipe Toledo

Once upon the ‘90s another hot lil’ squeak made the tour at 17. Like Filipe the grom had moves, but unlike Filipe he deferred tour life for an extra year of development and came back all the hotter.

He was called Taj Burrow — still is — and we wouldn’t mind seeing Filipe follow his lead. Y’seen the kid whip his shit around? It’d make for a vicious profile flick a la Montaj, and the gap year might give Filipe a chance to up his kilos (both gram and watt) before he really takes on the Fannings and Fijis of the world.

You wouldn’t put up for this on Kickstarter? A Filipe super film, one year all in, no comps to distract, no ligament spared? Heartless! But you’d quietly cheer for it and surely snoop the clips later, right? Us too.

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Wanna get the R.E.S.P.E.C.T of the entire tour? Just do whatever Raoni Monteiro does. ASP/Robertson

Raoni Monteiro

We’ll leave this one to the capable tongue of Mr. Hobgood to explain, who in April posted the following on Instagram:

“This man @raonimonteiro has been inspiring the heck out of me. Loses his major sponsor, blows his knee out, goes home for rehab and his lady takes off. What does he do when it looks like his whole world has fallen apart? He takes a deep breath, goes and beats Slater in Portugal, then takes out Julian in Santa Cruz and just took out Parko in Bells. Remember peeps suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” —@cjhobgood

Now if that don’t make your heart swell and your coins come out, we don’t know what will (besides cocaine! Cocaine does both things!).

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Clay, on a right! Ain’t it something? We want more! Photo: Brent Bielmann

Clay Marzo

Physics says all falling objects accelerate at the same pace…but then, Marzo’s always been about defying physics, ain’t he?

Stab can’t presently think of a faster, more precipitous dip in public regard among non-murderers than Clay these past few years. And it sure ain’t for want of talent. More it’s his tepid reception to contests, leaving Maui, the media, going right, and other general requisites of the pro fin-ditcher.

But we refuse to relegate Clay to a punch line in some inevitably forthcoming “Hey, Remember the Noughties?” web feature. Quik may have dropped him in the downsizing that scalped Balaram Stack and more. as well, but a Clay Marzo Sportfunder campaign could be just the ticket to get him back in the spotlight.

(Stipulation: No more Windmills footage ‘til 2016.)

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That’s as far as we got before conversation drifted to Quincy Davis. Bali starts today! Thank Shiva!