The WSL Should Replace Teahupo’o With A Wave Pool Then Immediately Switch Back

It was not the Teahupo’o that Laird dreams of.

It was the Teahupo’o that induces the foreign and discomforting idea that maybe you shouldn’t spend an entire day drinking beer and harshly criticizing every single score the judges drop.

The Teahupo’o that Kanoa Igarashi dreams of.

In turn, the 2018 Tahiti Pro was not the most exciting contest — and probably not the most viewed.

The Facebook stream (which shows a tally of current viewers) was embedded into the WSL website. On the final day, viewership was hovering around 2k, though I’m sure they will put out a press release saying that was only the amount of people watching in my three-story apartment building at the time.

Regardless, there were turns, airs and a bunch of other shit you’re not really watching Teahupo’o to see. A few tunnels, too.

There are no guarantees here. It could be firing and it could be flat. This is problematic and the only logical thing for the WSL to do with it is announce they’re replacing it with an additional wave pool event.

It could be in a city. Like London, or maybe New York, and Sum 41 could play. Fans everywhere could say mean things on the internet.

Raimana could protest by quitting at the Surf Ranch and moving back to Tahiti.

It could get everyone very hot and so bothered.

Then, immediately revoke that decision. Not only will they look like heroes for listening to the audience, but it would also keep surfing where it belongs. A win/win.

The ball is in your court, Sarah Goldman.

(Just kidding—we don’t have courts, Sarah which is what makes this unpredictable mess so fucking fun.)

#69 Australia

How did Teahupo’o start getting called Choe-poo?

I think it’s Australia’s fault.

There is no CH in Teahupo’o, just like there is no CH in tuna. Tahitians say it with a T, yet somehow everyone has been yammering around calling it Chopes.

The entire nation should be blamed for the spreading of their derelict speech.

#28 Blink 182

If nobody liked you at 23, what makes you think they’ll like you now?

#20 Mick Fanning

He surfed two events this year and is still ahead of six people who surfed every event.

There is a reason they call him White Lightning but I kinda forget why.

#14 Yago Dora

He is too good at surfing and/or frontside airs to be in 21st place.

#13 John John Florence

Motherfuckers act like they forgot about John.

#10 Owen Wright

Yeah sure, he looked great all event.

Anyway, here’s a 10 and a psychotic attempt at catching a wave from 2014. (Shoutout to Occy in the booth and it still being the ASP.)

#9 Griffin Colapinto

Lost to Ian Gouveia in Round 2, went home, did this.

Bet on him to win Lowers in 2018 even though it’s not on Tour anymore.

#7 Gabriel Medina

Many will disregard the fact that he has consistently proved himself in big waves and won this event when it was maxing, and claim he’s a little bitch and the only reason he won was because it was small.

#5 Italo Ferreira

Do not leave your girl or your World Title hopes unattended around Italo.

#3 Julian Wilson

Something about him reminds me of 2005-ish Kelly Slater. It appears like he’s bulging for a big result so to speak.

Also, if his ballsack doesn’t convince you that he’s Title-ready, then nothing will. Aside from maybe some more results.

#2 Filipe Toledo

Ironic that he caught a bomb in order to prepare for what ended up being small Teahupoo.

Might as well prepare for the Lemoore event by surfing Waco.

Anyway.

#1 Wade Carmichael

One of these guys is a fuzzy, jovial beast whose positive attitude and charm leads him into some interesting scenarios. The other was the star of a popular ‘80s sitcom.

You just gotta root for this guy. I know that may translate weird in Australia, but I mean it that way too. You should be having sex for him — not sure how much he gets it in.

However, at a time when collars are only getting whiter, there is nothing better than seeing a hard-working power surfer doing well on Tour.

Long may you run, Wade Carmichael. Long may you run.

Awards:

Grinder of the events, in loving memory of Bede Durbidge

Chris Cote for sticking to his guns by calling air reverses 360s the whole event.

Meditation of the event

Namaste. 

Conspiracy theory of the event

Truth is not truth. Note: this is an ASP official certified photo.