Freshwater Season Is Here: A WSL Pool Event, A Jack White Band And A Wave Or Two

The 2019 Freshwater Pro, the WSL’s curiously unnecessary rebranding of 2018’s Surf Ranch Pro, hits Lemoore on September 19-21. 

Have you visited Kings County? It’s hot. Reeks of cow shit. Not my scene. But maybe you’d enjoy watching the world’s best contest surfers work their way back and forth across a repurposed water ski lake. That’s cool, I guess. Different strokes for different folks. It’d be hypocritical for me to start kink-shaming surf fans.

I’m sure it’ll be a pretty fun time. The Raconteurs are playing. Morgan says they’re good. I’m not familiar with their music. If you drop $499 on a two day VIP deal you get TWO free drinks! Total, I guess. Which is kind of disappointing. Unless, of course, the only drinks on offer come from event sponsor, Barefoot Wine. In that case they’re doing you a favor. That shit is pure distilled hangover juice.

You get a free hydroflask as well!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the insulated flask boom. Staying hydrated is great, they keep drinks cold for forever, and they’re, theoretically, far better for the environment than a single-use plastic water bottle. Only thing—if you’re like me, you’ve got a bunch already. It seems like every company on Earth is throwing around branded freebies and it’s not like you need a ton of them. Only two, really, if you like to keep one for water and one for cocktails. So one wonders, are they really cutting down on waste? Are we about to top off our landfills with a massive delivery of sturdy aluminum bottles?

One thing Lemoore lacks: a verifiable air section.

$499 is kinda steep. But it’s no more than I’m spending to see Paul Simon play on Maui in August. Granted, that’s for two people, includes lodging (I’m using points for flights), and the WSL didn’t write Duncan. But it’s priced within reach for a large number of people. A fun little splurge purchase. Put it on your credit card! Don’t worry about it! What’s the point of saving? The Baby Boomers own all the houses and aren’t letting go until they’re dead and buried.

Fans also have the option of plopping down a cool $5499 for the Surf Ranch Experience. It looks pretty sweet. You get to surf in the pool, stay at the Tachi Palace, harass your personal concierge… all sorts of rad shit. Not long ago I’d’ve said spending that much on a trip to a landlocked pool was a hilariously stupid idea. But having recently dropped more or less the same amount on a trip to Texas… I’m backing it. I can’t afford it, thanks to the aforementioned Texas trip, but if I could I’d definitely consider going. I’m not sure if the WSL is hyped on having me around, but I doubt they’d turn away a paying customer.

You can also book an RV spot (no hook-ups provided. No tent or car camping allowed), pre-pay for parking (gross), or pick up General Admission tickets ($55, kids ten and under are free.)

I’m sure the surfing will be great (check out the top clip of Caroline Marks and Lakey Peterson dismantling the place!), the weather’s gonna be hot, you’ll have to hide from security if you want to smoke a cigarette, and if you scream real loud you might be able to get one of your favorite pros to glance your way. At which point you can give them the ol’ truffle shuffle.