Stab Magazine | What President Trump means for surfing

Live Now: Chapter 11 Mini-Documentary With Dane Reynolds

1442 Views

What President Trump means for surfing

Stupid fucking manatees… 

news // Mar 28, 2016
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

In a coffee shop in San Clemente sits a cluck of feathered Orange County Republican housewives. It’s their monthly book club meeting. Running the group is a woman who’s hair is a familiar over-fried blond and she looks like a shitty, part-time real estate agent, polyester pants suit and all. She uses the word “immigrants” with such disdain.

Just a stone’s throw from Trestles, chatter builds over a renewed fight over the toll road and the mess that is the shuttered San Onofre nuke plant remains unsolved, these women have gathered to discuss one-time Republican presidential contender Marco Rubio’s autobiography. But as Rubio knows all too well, the conversation quickly turns to Donald Trump.

After listening to their close-minded nonsense for long enough, I walk out with my faith in humanity reduced further, but wonder what Trump presidency would mean for surfing… the comb over, toll roads, nuke waste and all?

Trump exists in that small but distinguished group of climate change naysayers. To him it’s a farce. More accurately, it’s “bullshit.” Our friends in Maldives and Polynesia who are already feeling the creeping tide of inevitability might disagree, but to the man with fingers too stubby to throw a shaka, it seems science is just fiction.

“[Al] Gore wants us to clean up our factories and plants in order to protect us from global warming, when China and other countries couldn’t care less. It would make us totally noncompetitive in the manufacturing world, and China, Japan and India are laughing at America’s stupidity,” Trump has said.

“Liki liki lui, manatees are screwy, I’ll build the best wall you’ve ever see’een.”

Laugh if you will China and India, just be careful not to choke. Air quality in Los Angeles has steadily improved over the decades, while the air in Beijing or Delhi, not so much.

Trump positions himself as a “builder.” His operating thesis is that, “good development enhances the environment.”

That may be true, but only if you’re talking about Bobby’s camp at G-Land or adding a pool on Tavarua.

“I have a great environmental record,” says the man who’s developed 11 luxury golf courses. According to his science, building a golf course on sand dunes will actually preserve them—the sand “wouldn’t blow away in a storm.”

If that truly is the case, he’s got the Outer Banks vote on lock. And Hossegor could definitely use a few more pitch-and putts, don’t you think?

“I would consider myself an environmentalist in the true sense of the word,” famously said Trump during a scuffle over a golf course in Scotland in 2008.

The only problem with that statement is that even he doesn’t believe it. This is a man that has called manatees “stupid” because they get hit by boats…

Of course you can vote for Trump, just don’t be surprised when somebody tees off where you used to check the surf.

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Full Frame: Scandinavia Is Surfing’s Next Frontier

A 30-hour drive, bathymetric maps, and 10 years of searching yield surfing's newest discovery.

Mar 29, 2024

Watch: João Chianca Had A Remarkable Hawaii Season Before His Injury

Plus an update on his condition.

Mar 28, 2024

Pittar’d And Feathered

Do the WSL judges deserve the internet's wrath? We asked the man of the hour.

Mar 28, 2024

Robbo, Pickles, And Tyler Wright Become The Underdogs Breakfast At Uninspiring Winkipop

The foreboding blade sharpens and inconsistent judging prevails on Day Two in Torquay.

Mar 27, 2024

“I Don’t Always Win Heats, But When I Do, I Try To Beat John John”

Slater shines and the axe begins its descent on Day 01 at Bells.

Mar 26, 2024

Back Against The Wall: The Ramzi Boukhiam Redemption

Morocco's first CT surfer on speaking six languages, having no coach, and snatching Fil Toledo's…

Mar 25, 2024

Will Kirra, Babies or JJF Stop a GOAT Winning at Bells?

Bluesky BOAG advice from a Superman specialist and former Trials winner.

Mar 25, 2024

Bells Preview: The WSL’s Victorian Sword Dancing Equinox Ritual

Will a Brazilian crack the Top 10 at Bells?

Mar 25, 2024

69 Shin Bones Later + the Anticlimactic State of Big Wave Record-Breaking

Lucas Chumbo might have surfed the biggest wave ever this year. But how will we…

Mar 23, 2024

Watch: ‘Fresh and Fried’ Ft the Quik Kids

How taxing is it to tackle the Gold Coast’s Triple Crown in a single day,…

Mar 23, 2024

The Popular Vote: The People’s Stab In The Dark With Kolohe Andino Champion

Which board looked best — to you —under Kolohe's talons?

Mar 22, 2024

Six Key Learnings From Portugal

Three CT events in, what do we know? 

Mar 21, 2024

‘Zipper’ Is Going On Tour, Here’s Where You Can Watch It  

Dates, times + locations for the Venice, Encinitas, Sydney + Byron premieres.  

Mar 20, 2024

Dane Reynolds On His Future, His Past, And Chapter 11’s Raison D’être

Our 9-minute plunge into the collective psyche of Ventura's pillar(s).

Mar 20, 2024

From ‘Blue Ribbon Cross Country Runner’ to Vogue – How Steph Again Is Back With A Rip Curl Remix

Everything we know about the she-GOATs sponsorship boomerang.

Mar 18, 2024

Stab Interview: Darren Handley Explains Why You Can’t Buy The Winning Stab In The Dark Model

And his decades-long standoff with Slater.

Mar 17, 2024

Griff Embraces Portugal’s Eternal Time Loop To Vanquish Medina + Ewing, Defay Delays The Inevitable

A redeeming closing act at Supertubos.

Mar 16, 2024

The Secret Behind Lungi Slabb’s Inconceivable Greenmount Funnel

Six broken boards, one leaking forehead, and five days of Superbank mysticism.

Mar 16, 2024
Advertisement