What Does Surfing Look Like Without (Actual) Surfing?

Ed note: the following is the third installment of our new weekly email chain called the Stab Fwd. If you’re into it, subscribe here. 

Twenty-four days. Zero waves ridden. This is new to me and the term “uncharted waters” has grown ironic and begun to feel like the sting of a swift hand meeting an unexpecting face. 

Can you surf? If not, how you holding up? 

Lately, I’ve been appalled by the WSL’s #HomebreakChallenge. There’s something about watching grown adults stand on surfboards in their living rooms and pretend to get barreled that buries itself deep into my psyche and threatens to haunt me for years to come. 

Coronavirus has forced us to consider what surfing looks like without (actual) surfing. Is this it? Adults pig-dogging while other adults drape bedsheets over their heads and the occasional push-up tutorial from a pro surfer? 

No. 

It reminded me of all the other sides of surfing that I miss. The days on the beach with friends, the beers after a long session at home. The humor you find somewhere in the delirium of 40-hour trips to Indo. The old man you meet in a bar after your first surf in Ireland. The pointless conversations you have. The pointless fun you have. The renegade shit like Stab High. 

Damn, it’ll feel good to get back into all of that. 

But, for now, let’s get into this. 

Interview: Finally We Learn The Real Story Of Alex Botelho’s Near-Fatal Jet Ski Crash At Nazaré

In February, Alex Botelho got launched off a Jet Ski at the end of the Nazaré Challenge. He went unconscious and stopped breathing for ten minutes — a few of those minutes were broadcasted live around the world on the WSL’s webcast. Here, he shares his recollection of the incident and provides an update on his recovery process. Wild read. It’s, like, disrespectful not to click. 

Pro Surfer Contracts Aren’t Worth The Paper They’re Printed On 

According to market research, premium paper can cost up to ten cents per page. If you’re looking for something on the low end of the price spectrum, you can find options for less than half a cent per page. Based on that information, we can estimate that pro surfer contracts are worth anywhere from ten cents to two dollars in the year 2020. Click in for a more elaborate explanation. 

Power Rankings 

The elusive Big Dick Power Surfer has risen from the dead to take on communism, snowflakes and Oprah while providing a severely critical assessment of an event that never occurred. If nothing else, this will be the most confusing thing you read today. 

Whose side are we on? 

In the past week, there have been two major developments in the Surfers Vs Law conflict of 2020. First, we saw a rogue SUP warrior assault the playful walls of Malibu with his paddle. Then we saw a pirate ship raid the officially-closed cobblestones of Lower Trestles. What happened? 

The SUP guy was arrested after law enforcement officers flanked him from both land and sea. And the Lowers boat capsized and washed in, also resulting in some less-than-pleased police. 

Whether you condemn or condone these actions, I hope we all can find common ground by admitting they were pretty funny. 

And what would we be foolish to miss? 

Jack suffers from (Joel) Parkinson’s disease of making things look too easy. One simply should not appear to be so comfortable in the fangs of an 8-foot double up or six feet above the lip. Click in for some mindless surf smut for a vacation from whatever horrible realities may be dawning on you.   

Anything we should impulse buy? 

A go-to shortboard is one of the sacred few things in life you can rely on. So, if you’re looking for a wise investment during these times of economic uncertainty, Stab recommends the Chili Volume II. I’ve yet to try one, but the praise seems justified. If you get fired, default on your mortgage, go bankrupt, etc, it’s good to know that you can still link three turns together.

One last thing: 

Please direct all hate mail to [email protected].

Subscribe to the Fwd here.