The Tour Is Biased Against Goofyfoots, The CTers Are Doping And More

Conspiracy theories are what make the world go round.

Or maybe it’s that there are conspiracy theories about what makes the world go round — it’s hard to be sure. In surf journalism, the key is to do as little investigation as possible and so that matter will not be resolved at this point in time.

What will be resolved, though, is a need that nobody ever knew they had: the need to read a comprehensive list of WSL conspiracy theories.

Some of them might be true. Some of them might not. Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.

Let’s conspire.

The Tour Is Biased Against Goofyfooters

Oldest theory in the book. Well, the second oldest. The actual oldest was the theory that the WSL judging was biased against Brazilians. This was proven to be a big misunderstanding. The truth was that sanctions were imposed against the entire nation after the judges were forced to watch Guilherme Herdy surf — with a leash on his front foot no less.

Now that those sanctions have been lifted and Brazilians populate the highest spots, the goofyfoot bias theory is the biggest game in town.

Is it true? Watch this clip of John John Florence reversed and tell me if you’re showering him with excellent scores or if you’re even showering with him at all.

The WSL tainted Waco’s Water

You thought it. I said it. Fuck you for thinking it and making me say it.

CT Surfers are doping

A professional sport does not qualify as a professional sport until its athletes have found a fancy way to cheat drug tests while blasting themselves with steroids.

We’ve heard whispers of doping on the WSL, which makes surfing a true professional sport just in time for the Olympics. But who? Kolohe? Zeke? Gabriel? Elite level theorists would point to Wade Carmichael and posit that he’s simply forgetting the whole workout side of it.  

Tyler Wright has Ebola

Tyler showed up to compete at J-Bay but had to pull out due to a severe illness. She’s been battling ever since, wondering why this flu won’t go away.

That is because it is not the flu. It is Ebola. As a Wright, she is cut from a different cloth and therefore too damn tough to realize that she actually has Ebola.

Dirk Ziff is poor

In 1996, a man named Jon Spano bought the NHL’s New York Islanders for $165 million. There was a slight problem in that John Spano was a con artist that did not have anywhere near that amount of money. My bad!

I’d like to put forward a theory that Dirk Ziff is actually poor. The whole thing about his family having money and him being a brilliant investor is a smokescreen — nothing more than noise on Wikipedia. He’ll be outed in a year and it will send the surf industry south as the mortgage crisis did in 2007 which will actually be kind of nice because then they’ll have something to blame it on instead of just accepting that it’s just not that cool anymore.

Kelly Slater’s foot is injured

This is a wild, dark web one. A real double black diamond of WSL conspiracy theories. Only read further if you’re elite.

The theory is that Kelly Slater’s foot is actually injured — that it is damaged to the point where he could not physically compete in surfing contests. It’s hard to comprehend. It never feels good to have wool over your eyes but then again Obama did 9/11 so you never know.