The Surf Ranch Pro Was The Best Contest Of The Year (For Satan)

The WSL Surf Ranch in Lemoore, California has been described as a slap in the face to God.

Which is to say that they created something to replace what already existed harmoniously in nature: an opportunity for surf fans worldwide to wonder how Thomas Hermes got on Tour.

I prefer my World Champs to get kissed by God, not slap him in the face, but that’s neither here nor there.

The fact is that God usually shows up at WSL events to thank surfers for occasionally quoting the Bible on Instagram, but his services were not needed at the Surf Ranch. As a result, Satan was able to swoop in. You could feel the devil’s presence in the afternoon heat (the one that Hermes surfed) and also in the temperature of the air. It truly was the best contest of the year for Satan.

A full analysis of his performance is coming later in the article. Let’s get into it.

#69 Longboarding

The topic of whether or not you’re supposed to hate longboarding has been debated by some of the most educated and factual surf journalists of this generation.

I invite those of you who are still undecided to watch the longboarding contest currently being held at Lower Trestles (RIP).  

Out of curiosity, I tuned in for 30 seconds yesterday and listed to Dave Stansfield (apparently not RIP) go on a rant in support of GMOs while the other announcer talked about eating a “delicious” chicken salad and some guy fumbled through some turns on a wall that Griffin Colapinto could have broken Instagram with.

And that’s longboarding, folks. Gotta give them credit for beating the WSL broadcast numbers though.

#33 Wiggolly Dantas

With the event’s unique format, we had a definitive last place this event and it went to Wiggolly Dantas. In reality, everyone should have seen this result coming all the way from Ubatuba — there is no paddling in a pool.

#28 Joel Parkinson

He was just ahead of Wiggolly on the leaderboard. Next time we make up a rumor about him, he should just take it as advice instead of correcting it.

#22 John John Florence

Hurricane Florence is not a good response to the Brazilian Storm.

#21 Miguel Pupo

There is a defining moment in everyone’s life. A point where everything changes in an instant. For Miguel Pupo, this was getting adult braces.

His career took a sharp turn in the wrong direction since visiting the orthodontist and now he has to build it back up from scratch. Surf Ranch Pro was a solid step, but he’s going to have to fight tooth and nail to get back to where he was.

#19 Kelly Slater

There’s an old saying in surfing.

You either retire a hero, die an Andy Irons or live long enough to see yourself become a 46-year-old guy who produces weird boards in Thailand, has the most selective foot injury in the history of podiatrics and may or may not have given himself a special wave in the comp.

Still gotta tip your cap to the guy for his accomplishments though. Owning a below-ground pool has always been the Floridian dream.

#17 Eddie Rothman

This is a few years old, but is the best Surf Ranch Pro recap I’ve seen.

#13 Griffin Colapinto, Italo Ferreira and Mikey Wright

Three of the world’s most exciting young surfers all got second-to-last place points in what was supposed to be the most futuristic event on Tour. Something smells fishy here, but it might just be the $10.99 grilled salmon dinner special at the Tachi Palace’s Coyote Grill.

#10 Kanoa Igarashi

Not only the first Japanese surfer to make the CT, but now the first Japanese surfer to be ranked Top 10 in the world.

On a marketing level, Wade Carmichael could really learn from this. I’m sure the people of The Stormlands would accept him as one of their own, which might help sweeten the deal next time he sits down at the negotiating table with Piping Hot.

#8 Matt Archbold

His attendance made this event substantially more core.

#6.66 Satan

Only seemed to possess one surfer for one wave, but played his cards wisely. Carissa was fucking ripping — she could have beaten some of the men. Not sure if you’re still allowed to say things like that though, so I’ll just say that she could have beaten Beau Foster.

#4 Grabriel Medina

Anyone not named Charlie think this grab looks good? It’s getting to the point where I’d eat a fucking chicken salad and watch longboarding at Lowers than see Gabriel stick another Kerrupt Flip.

Everything other than the Kerrupt flips though? Damn. Filipe could lose sleep over that. If he does sleep at all. Statistics have shown that he may just spend all of his time in bed procreating.

#2 Julian Wilson

He rode a board that was supposed to sit on a surf shop rack and get bought by some over-ambitious 24-year-old in Pacific Beach. He stomped the two best airs of the event. He tried big spins in the final… as if the judges would even know what to make of that. He was an absolute champion in Lemoore.

#1 Filipe Toledo

Can any surfer in the world look at his 9.80 and legitimately believe they can surf that wave better than him? Anyone?

If so, they are either 2017 John John or delusional. It’d be good to see him win the Title this year, but it’d be great to see him win it in a showdown at firing Pipe.

Grinder of the event, in loving memory of Bede Durbidge

Every band Taylor Steele used that didn’t get the call up to perform in Lemoore.

Molten lava truth speaker of the event

Kolohe Andino

Conspiracy theory of the event

Knowing the Surf Ranch is better for regularfooters, the WSL pushed Gabriel Medina to win over Toledo to hide the fact that they are racist against Goofyfooters.