The Problem With Surfing: The Weird and Wonderful World of Tech-Surf-Novelties

Do you support “progression” within surfing?

Do you shiver to think of our beloved becoming stagnant and frail? Have you enjoyed its steady march towards a tech-utopian future?

Well, fear not: 2018 has you covered on all fronts.

If you’re aching for a midday dip, but realise, suddenly, that you’re landlocked, deskbound, in a city with nothing but a river’s calm current to carry you, then these Onean boards are right up your alley with their ‘JetBoard Carver’, a more SUP-like interpretation of the JetBoard Laird brought to market a few years ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2esS0oI4GE

No need for swell, just slip on your motocross helmet, strap on a coiled leggy and take the town with your motorised SUP!

If that doesn’t quite tickle your cosmopolitan fancy — you might be more into the latest of foiling trends — the‘ Lift Foil’ perfectly combines ruthless battery power with ultimate decapitation capacity. All of which can be yours to pre-order for a cool $12K!

Money which may be better spent on a health insurance policy for yourself, and whatever liability insurance is available for those around you, when you inevitably slice off your arm or another’s leg, or beach your blade on the rocks at your nearest watering hole.

Forget Clover Moore and her passion for cycling lanes, at this rate we’ll need to be picketing for a canal installation throughout Sydney, so we’re all able to squirt to work on our fresh electric blades. 

Perhaps you’re off the whole innovation bandwagon and looking to spend some coin on something which can satiate three of your most basic desires all in one hit—sleep, sex and surf.

Well, Koala mattresses have you covered there with their latest in bed base design, which doubles as a finless surfboard as Ari and Raph point out!

Forget pulling your sled out from under your bed in the morning, just reef out the bed itself and you’re ready to slide. 

In all seriousness though, it seems as if the recent tech-modified “surfboard” trip has gone slightly off the rails.

While Koala’s bed base obviously serves a useful and desirable daily function, it seems unlikely that a real market clientele exists out there, for these ‘alternative’ surf-like contraptions flooding the market. They certainly make for enjoyable, mockable online viewing, and excellent cocktail conversation, but it’s difficult to imagine there being a cashed-up demographic looking to see their coin splash in any these of these shallow pools.

Or maybe I’m just incredibly jealous I’m not the one riding these ridiculous looking boards. A highly viable alternative.