Gabriel Medina Needs To Get His Priorities Straight

This edition of the SPF rankings is here a few weeks after the Rip Curl Oi Meo Pro has finished because taking off late is one of the most powerful things you can do in surfing. 

Roll-ins are for pussies. 

Anyway, if you watched that one episode of WSL’s critically acclaimed torched series Sound Waves, you already know that Kelly Slater works with a spiritual healer who changed his life by helping him stop win World Titles. 

He refers to himself as a Life Coach but for the sake of this article, we’ll be referring to him as “Charlie Goldsmith” because it’s his actual name which it’s kind of funnier. We’re not here to make jokes, though. 

Turns out there’s another CT surfer working with a coach named Charlie, but lately it seems like his pupil needs no formal instruction in order to lose a World Title. That’s right: We’re talking about Gabriel Medina. If anything is clear after the Oi Meo Rip Curl Pro Search Portugal, it’s that Gabriel needs to get his priorities straight. 

The good news is that I am a certified Life Coach too now and I am willing to take on this case pro boner to ensure he too loses the Title like Kelly Slater. Here is my advice. 

-Take the WSL’s lead and do something good for the environment by clearing out large plots of the Amazon Rainforest in order to pick up any plastic bottles that would have been hidden in the thick brush. 

-You become who you surround yourself with, so it’s probably time for him to ditch your “party boy” lifestyle and hang out with good wholesome people like Adriano de Souza (see above). 

-Man up (by nature). 

-If you’re going to interfere with anything, interfere with something fun like American presidential elections and get Occy to win somehow. 

-And if you’re gonna incite death threats, at least give us Glenn Hall-esque interview and fluster Peter “The Condor” Mel first. 

Relationship woes? Existential crisis? Can’t go vert? Email [email protected] to resolve all of your issues. Namaste. 

Onto the rankings. 

#69 Dream Tours 

Last week, I had a dream that I was eating a bowl of vanilla ice cream at the wave pool that’s about to open in the UK and was despondent when I woke up and realized it wasn’t real. Very not core. 

#33 Bailey’s Irish Cream 

Soli because he’s had a tough season. 

http://vimeo.com/22129352

#25 Sebastian Zietz 

Based on his current standing, it is fairly likely that he will fall off the tour at the end of the year. The good news for Seabass is that surfing offers great retirement plans for Fishes. 

#21 Peterson Crisanto 

All rise for the Superman king. See Round 4, Heat 6 for reference. Watch it either here or here. Good luck.  

#16.33 Jack Freestone 

As a father alongside his partner Alana, Jack is experienced in the field of quality berths. He came into the Europe leg in 26th place and came out of it in 18th place. A veteran move. 

#12 Robert 

You know why Michael Jordan is always included in the conversation of greatest athlete of all time and Kelly isn’t? Because MJ retired and now occasionally publicly insinuates that he could still beat certain NBA players instead of actually trying to surf a heat against Kanoa Igarashi. 

#10 Jadson Andre 

Mahatma Gandhi used nonviolent resistance to lead India to independence from British Rule. Jadson Andre was the voice of reason in a classic priority-based death threat feud. Only history will tell which was more important. 

#7 Jordy Smith 

Feel like he’s been working with Charlie Goldshmidt to lose World Titles all along. Your thoughts? 

#5 Gabriel Medina 

See above. 

#4 Diesel Storm Butts 

Ladies and gentlemen, we have found the most powerful name in surfing.

#3 Kolohe Andino 

Do you ever think that if Italo didn’t win the season opener on the Gold Coast on a debatable score, Kolohe’s season would have been completely different, he would have won multiple events and they’d be hanging the World Title banner in San Clemente? I don’t. I usually think about things like sex and gambling instead. 

#2 Italo Ferreira 

Being a one-trick pony can win you events, but being a one-trick horse can win you World Titles. Just ask Mick Fanning. 

#1 Caio Ibelli 

He is hereby the official 2019 SPF Most Inspirational Surfer Of The Year for proving to all of us that we can get a 3.83 on the WCT scale. Thank you for your service. 

——– 

Kelly Slater Playbook  

Just try to fight Eli Hanneman in 2026 instead. 

Meditation 

Conspiracy 

Charlie does surf. 

Word of the event 

Despondent 

adjective

Definition: In low spirits from loss of hope or courage