Ready For A Change?

Ed note: the following is the third installment of our new weekly email chain called the Stab Fwd. If you’re into it, subscribe here. 

There is nothing permanent except change. 

You, like me, have heard that COVID-19 will change professional surfing. And maybe you, like me, didn’t immediately associate that lead quote with the Greek philosopher Heraclitus but you, like me, find an immature tinge of humor in his name’s phonetic proximity to a certain component of the female anatomy and you, like me, would prefer to spend the next few minutes filling your brain with things like Mikey Wright’s surfing rather than wisdom from ancient Greece. 

Don’t worry, we’ll get to Mikey’s edit in a little while. For now, let’s talk about change. 

This week has been one of professional surfing’s strangest. Major changes were announced to how the WSL will approach all of its events. You can learn about those changes here. Spoiler alert: You won’t see another World Champ get crowned with two events left on the schedule. 

By the way, the mechanics of these sweeping changes are not yet known — like, not even by anyone at the WSL. They’re even welcoming ideas from fans. Maybe the years and years we’ve collectively spent yelling at every single decision the organization made has finally paid off. Please be an adult about this and only troll them into running with a bad idea if it’s really funny.

It should come as no surprise that our most-viewed stories this week were mostly related to the WSL. Let’s dive in. 

WSL Insights From Elo’s Formidable SUP Lair 

If there’s anything the WSL loves more than getting land-locked people to awkwardly stand on surfboards and move their bodies horrendously, it’s crowning world champions. But don’t take it from me. Take it from a man with a nose guard. This interview will not only enlighten you, but it will also teach you some new buzz words.  

This Is What The World Tour Felt Like On The Ground As The Coronavirus Shut The Gold Coast Down

In March, I wrote a story along the lines of “WSL Cancels Events Due To Coronavirus” and only used the subtitle to specify that those events were on the QS. I recall feeling naughty — like I’d baited you into clicking — while thinking there’s no chance the CT will be affected by this noise. Fast forward a bit and it now looks like we might not see any competitive surfing in 2020. This appropriately titled episode of No Contest shows what happened when the World Tour found out the world was ending. 

Surfing’s Two Biggest Stars Have Recently Changed Their Relationship Statuses

If you’ve followed Stab over the past few years, you know that we work around the clock to keep you up to date on when Gabriel Medina is having sex. Think: New Years escapades, music festivals, etc. This is the latest installment of our ongoing coverage and comes bundled with the news that John John is now officially off the market (no offense to Rip Curl). 

Now, shall we joust? 

As previously stated, now is the time to re-shape the WSL and/or troll them into pursuing a bad (but funny) idea. A good place to start is this thread. But first, hear the options explored by two minds that spend more time consumed with surfing than what might be considered mentally stable in a new episode of the Stab CUSP podcast.

What are we excited about? 

I’d imagine this is the evolution of most people’s thoughts on Mikey Wright: 

Owen’s got a little brother > He’s got a mullet, haha that’s funny, mullets are funny > Woah he kind of surfs like a psychopath > I just watched RAGE, he’s now one of the world’s most interesting surfers to watch > That’s cool they’re giving him wildcards > Wait, he’s on tour now, do I want him on tour now? > His surfing looks different on tour > Oh, he’s been injured, well that explains why he wasn’t surfing the same > [Ten months of thinking about other things, perhaps ancient Greek philosophy, while Mikey heals] > He’s back. 

This edit covers the last two steps of that journey. Enjoy.

Should we jump around our living rooms like morons? 

No, this is not a WSL challenge. This is a clip of Finn McGill. It’s one of the most unique things I’ve seen attempted (and nearly stomped) on a surfboard. After watching it several times and still not arriving at full comprehension, I had to try to feel it out by jumping around my living room. I wholeheartedly encourage you to do the same. 

One last thing: 

Here’s an incomplete list of things I look forward to upon returning to surfing 

-Counting it as a shower. 

-A new pair of boardshorts that I will wear for the next four months, simultaneously discovering a song that becomes an anthem of my summer and by extension, those boardshorts. 

-Encouraging a kid to burn me. The look of confusion, then disbelief, then pure joy is always worth it. 

-Bad waves. I love bad waves, so much to learn. 

-Coming in from an abnormally long session and eating with the appetite and table manners of a primitive human being. 

-Feeling normal again. 

-Sensing a rising swell.

-Sensing a sudden deterioration in conditions on a weekend afternoon and the coincidental approach of a cold-ish beer. 

-Spending an irrational amount of time trying to go backwards. 

-That sense of borderline giddy excitement you get when padding into a wave you’ve been looking for — whether it’s a ramp, a barrel, a long wall, whatever. You know what I’m talking about, you addict.

Subscribe here to the FWD.