Stab Magazine | Power-Ranking The 2020 Corona Open Gold Coast
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Power-Ranking The 2020 Corona Open Gold Coast

For immediate release: A decisive moment in the history of sports journalism.

style // Apr 10, 2020
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Surfing has never seen a crisis like this. It is ravaging our industry, tearing apart our culture, turning us against each other and destroying the very thing we hold dear. 

Of course, I am talking about Julian Wilson hitting rails in a wavepool

People out there might try to tell you that this happened before when Chris Cote invented skateboarding but they’re wrong. He wasn’t the first — surfers have technically been hitting rails since like the ‘60s. Some even lived off of them and were the real pioneers of the plant-based diet (no offense to Alana). 

It’s up to us to navigate this crisis with poise and grace — but more importantly with speed, power and flow. 

Maybe the Gold Coast didn’t run this year but guess what snowflake I’m not gonna let the communist government take away my rights. I ate some mushrooms the other night and could see into another realm (no offense to Jesus) which allows me to provide a fair analysis of the event. 

Keep in mind that it’s racist to call it Corona now so without further ado here are your official SPF rankings of the 2020 COVID-19 Open Gold Coast. 

For immediate release: 

#69 Vloggers 

Not exactly the time to be trying to produce viral content. 

Erik Derik Logan

#33 Erik Logan 

Weird flex bringing Oprah there but OK. 

#21 Jadson Andre 

I’m going to write this in a top-secret code they use in the Navy. See if you can figure it out. 

Like many others, he Assesses the conditions for a long tIme before paddling out. Realistically, this helps him figure out the rhythm of the ocean and allows him to make better DecisionS throughout his heat. Perhaps it Enables him to win bouts that he would have lost otherwise, but wheN it comes down to It, Seth moniz is still going to beat him 9 times out of 10.  

#18 Matt Wilkinson 

Life off tour doesn’t seem so bad. I ran into Wilko at the Rainbow Bay SLSC. We got parmas and played pokies. We both won $60 and so we bought matching t-shirts. The next day, we went to Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary in our shirts and got pies after. I can’t tell if this story is true or not. 

#17 Julian Wilson // Jordy Smith // Filipe Toledo 

Could be his year. 

#15 Jack Robinson 

It must be pretty hard for a kid from WA to adapt to social distancing but Jack “Robertson” Robbo seemed to handle it well at his first event as a full-time CT competitor. 

#10 Adriano de Souza 

It’s great to see somebody return to what they love and for Adriano, that is competing. The highlight was watching him link a wave from Snapper to Burleigh, doing turns the whole way and still getting a 6.17. It was enough to put the nail in Connor (O’Leary’s) Coffin in Round 4. 

#8 Ace Buchan 

I for one didn’t expect him to show up smoking ciggies with circles under his eyes and dyed black hair riding a 5’6” with a bad paint job inspired by some shitty rock band from 17 years ago. Maybe Hurley had just been sculpting his “image” for all of these years? Anyway, I look forward to his part in Rage 4. 

https://www.youtube.com/embed/sgI0YCVse9U

#7 Ethan Ewing 

Wasn’t it great seeing him do the surfing that we all know he’s capable of with a jersey on?  

#5 Italo Ferreira 

Italo took the world by surprise by learning backside air reverses in the off-season. As the year progresses, it will be interesting to see if the judges get used to seeing him land them or if they maintain that “wow factor” as they say in the booth. 

#4 Gabriel Medina

Is he a dick for burning Bethany Hamilton in the expression session and making that derogatory remark about Andy Irons during his post-heat interview? Look, I’m not here to judge. But I will say that him comparing Rip Curl almost signing John John to the Holocaust was a little bit much for me. 

#3 John John Florence 

In surfing there are leaders and there are followers. John is a leader. An alpha (it takes one to know one). He started this whole trend of being un-sponsored and it looks like everybody else is ready to follow. His surfing looked great all the way to the final. 

Mick Lowe

#2 Mick Lowe

Pretty cool move by the WSL to give him the wildcard on account of Kelly pulling out due to a bad forecast/injury. Going into the event, I didn’t think he would make it very far, but it goes to show you that real power surfing still goes better than pussyfooted fin throws. Is a Quarterfinal result enough to earn him a wildcard into Bells now? I think so. 

#1 Kolohe Andino 

Congrats on your first CT win lol. 

https://player.vimeo.com/video/392338335

Co Vid Of The Year  

Introducing a new section for 2020. This is where we’ll keep track of the best surf company videos of the year. So far, Octopus is in the lead for their Explosion Salad clip of Dylan Graves. 

Meditation Of The Event 

Meditation 2

Conspiracy Theory Of The Event 

The SUP guy at Malibu was a false flag organized by Joel Tudor so that the attention would be focused up there and he could surf a 5’11” JS MonstaBox at Cardiff Reef when nobody was looking.

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