Now... This: Eithan Osborne Says No To Summoning Satan At Target

Now… This: Eithan Osborne Says No To Summoning Satan At Target

If not there, then where?

Words by Jack Mutschler

Eithan Osborne is my new favorite person, surfer, and yeller of gibberish. His movements are sporadic, and his rebel yell so pure could be sold as a ringtone on one of those old MTV commercials. Eithan yells about everything in the water— joy, frustration, saying hello, etc. It’s the most peculiar form of self-expression I’ve witnessed.

Most of the time, it’s not even comprehensible words, just a big “AGGGHHDHFJFMFKVKJFND” while kicking out of a dud.

Also, I watched him catch a bat with his bare hands, bite its head off, then become one of Gotham’s most reputable businessmen and philanthropists. Ok, that’s not entirely true, but everything below is airtight.

What’s your spirit animal? Make the noise.

Mantis.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Hmmm no, I don’t think I do. Maybe something like that exists, but I don’t know if they’re going to come kill you and stuff.

Favorite sceme/scam/crime?

I love slapping my brother in the back of the head when he’s not looking.

Worst date you’ve been on?

I don’t think I’ve been on a bad date.

No bad vibes in Ventura.

If you could revive one dead celebrity, who would it be?

Steve Irwin, he was the best person ever. Bring back the crocodile hunter!

How often do you shampoo?

I have a shaved head, so it’s been a couple of weeks.

What’s the worst hobby?

Golf sucks, but it’s kind of fun when you’re drunk.

The worst place to summon satan?

Maybe like in a Target or something.

Favorite construction machine?

Wrecking ball.

What would you wreck with a wrecking ball?

Dude, what could you not wreck with a wrecking ball?

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