WSL Speed Power Flow Rankings: Post-Quik Pro Gold Coast

Welcome to Stab’s first-ever WSL Speed Power Flow Rankings.

They’re just like normal Power Rankings a la Hynd, Samuels, etc., but with more emphasis on speed and flow—for the reader.

Instead of doing a breakdown from last to first, we’ll just pick points of significance and run with ‘em.

Because, really, who has time to read about how Wade Carmichael will have to find a way to introduce a little more flair into his stout surfing if he wants to make an impact on surfing’s biggest stage in today’s progressive competitive climate?

Wade Carmichael, that’s who. And probably Mikey C.

But nobody else.

So, without further pageantry, here are the first ever WSL Speed Power Flow Rankings.

#69 Wilian Cardoso 

Wilian Cardoso gets the first-ever 69th place in the Speed Power Flow rankings for one reason: he seems to have lost weight.

Buffalo Bill used to be a shining light of hope for those of us who haven’t been able to find a balance between the joy of a buffet and the general inconvenience of moving your body quickly and purposefully for periods of time… Now Wilian’s just a somewhat stocky dude doing big turns on the CT.

He pretty much cheated himself out of a blockbuster deal with Pizza Hut.

#23 Ace Buchan

Look I’m not his coach, but it’s pretty obvious that if he wants a World Title, Ace’ll need to have a mid-life crisis, dye his hair jet black, pick up a recreational drug habit and spray paint flaming dicks on the bottom of all his boards. He’s great, but he’s too nice. Needs more edge. Last time I checked the Dalai Lama has never won a World Title and he’s had like 14 entire lifespans to try.

#19 Michael Rodrigues

The last famous guy named Rodriguez ended up falling into obscurity, creating a life for himself in South Africa, then one day playing to a bunch of assholes in headdresses at Coachella.

History repeats itself, so we expect a huge result at J-Bay, and for him to end up rifling some girl named Rachel after the Coldplay concert at Kelly’s Wave Pool this fall.

Great surfer. A lot of pop. He’ll finish 19th this year.

#18 Mick Fanning

Mick didn’t do anything too special in this contest. He is retiring in, like, a week. But by Stab Law, it’s illegal to mention speed, power and flow without bringing up Mick’s name. According to penal code 420.69, the offense is punishable by having to watch 7 minutes of Thom Pringle surfing.

#12 Kolohe Andino

Much to nobody’s surprise, there was a major Hermes outbreak on the Gold Coast this year and Kolohe fell victim to it in Round 3. They say it stays with you forever, but I think Kolohe will treat it properly and end up finishing Top 5 in 2018.

#9 Filipe Toledo

Filipe is the most successful person with a Rastafarian-esque lion tattooed on their chest since Sublime happened.

He is next level.

Nobody surfs like him. Nobody can surf like him.

So fast… So spicy.

If he catches a wave in his heat at Teahupo’o this year, he could win a World Title.

#7 John John Florence

Before the Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast, John posted a few clips from Snapper on Instagram with a quote from Malcolm Gladwell’s The Art Of War.

Albee Layer got in there and heckled him, saying “I hope you don’t run your own Instagram because your captions are awful.”

Albee’s comment received nearly 100 likes and that is how John John Florence lost the 2018 Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast.

#5.33 Keanu Asing

Why is Keanu Asing sitting so high in the rankings, you might ask. It’s because he is Sticking. To. His. Game.

Keanu Asing’s game is to make three heats all year and then win one entire event.

He may have lost in Round 2 at Snapper but his Semifinal opponent at this year’s event in France is already beaten.

#5 Gabriel Medina

Never before has someone so quickly grown from a child, to an adult who can have sex with anybody in the world.

It does a number on your brain, being in such high demand, sexually — we thought only a surf journalist knows the feeling.

Even though Gabriel lost early, he Brazilian stormed the judging tower after—which tells us not only that the oft-mentioned Passion is back, but also that knee strength isn’t an issue.

Gabby will win one of the next two events.

#4 Mikey Wright

I have a friend who took a one-off temp job, but liked it so much he kept going back, everyday, and nobody ever realized that he wasn’t supposed to be full-time.

He still works there today.

I honestly think that Mikey Wright can/should do this on the CT. Just show up and take Ian Gouveia’s jersey before every heat.

Who’s going to stop him?

#3 Lakey Peterson

There are certain things you’re supposed to say about certain surfers. As far as the Women’s CT goes, this is how it works.

Steph is stylish.

Carissa is powerful.

Sally is teeth.

And it’s about time we start branding Lakey as progressive.  If she doesn’t win the World Title this year, I will break many international laws to visit every single judge’s house and eat all of their chicken.

#4 Griffin Colapinto

Word on the street is that Griffin once paddled out for a heat and forgot to put his jersey on.

What we’re witnessing in young Griffin here is a surfing talent/goofiness ratio unseen since young-adult John John.

He lived up to the hype on the Gold Coast. Our prediction: he’ll have Will Ferrell’s partner narrating his movies in no time.

#1 Julian Wilson

With the chip on his shoulder finally diagnosed, Julian will be hard to beat this year. Everybody who has seen him stand up on a surfboard in the past five years has thought: Wow, this gentleman is Title-Worthy.

Now the only thing standing between him and that crown is Filipe, John John, Gabriel, the rest of the CT, and 10 more events. Easy enough.

Grinder Of The Event Award, In Loving Memory Of Bede Durbidge

Tomas Hermes

Jord-o-meter

The world’s first-ever tracking system for perennial World Title contenders. The Jord-O-Meter is a first-of-its-kind digital biometrical tool designed to track the perennial world title contender’s path to the podium. So, throughout the year, the needle will move depending on his performance. As you can see here, right now he is in the Good but needs three more Red Bulls mediocre range. 

Meditation Of The Event