Stab Magazine | How To Love A Woman, In Portuguese
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How To Love A Woman, In Portuguese

Stab’s guide to seduction on a Rio beach.

style // May 17, 2016
Words by Steve Allain
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, each one she passes
Goes “A-a-a-h”

When she walks she’s like a samba
That swings so cool and sways so gentle
That when she passes, each one she passes
Goes “A-a-a-h”

If you haven’t heard Girl From Ipanema… you really should. It is the second most recorded song in history – losing only to The Beatles’ Yesterday. I still prefer the original Portuguese version, by bossa nova legends Tom Jobim and Vinicius de Morais, but the point is made just as well by Frank Sinatra’s English version.

The song is about a girl who strolled by Veloso Bar every day, where Vinicius de Morais was a regular, going to and from Ipanema Beach, in Rio’s golden era, the 60’s. But, really, it could be about any Carioca (as Rio natives are called) girl.

Because there’s something special and unique about them. Obviously (disclaimer!), there’s something special and unique in (almost) every woman. But Rio women are more, uh… special. They have a certain je ne sais quoi. The way they move and smile and smell is wonderfully enticing. The mix of European, African and Indigenous ethnicities, coupled with the Brazilian culture and Carioca swagger, produce some of the most beautiful and charming specimens on Earth. Just ask anyone who’s been there – it’s out of this world.

If that makes you wanna buy a ticket and fly there immediately, just in time for the CT finals, here are a few tips that might improve your chances of landing a Rio babe.

Look out for the boyfriend.

First and foremost, before you even start a conversation with a Rio de Janeiro girl, make sure she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Brazilian men, Cariocas specially, are very jealous – and if there’s something that’s seen as absolutely justifiable by many Brazilians, it’s beating up anyone who crosses that line.

So, look around for clues: is she alone on the beach, or are there signs that the BF is just out the front, perhaps surfing? Is she wearing a ring? Remember: Rio de Janeiro is where Jiu Jitsu first exploded, and nowhere else in the world is there such a concentration of academies and practitioners of the Brazilian martial art. Not exactly the place you wanna step on people’s toes.

Treat them nice.

Contrary to what many outsiders believe, Brazilian women aren’t slutty or easy (well, most of them aren’t). Just because they favour minimal lycra and maximum skin, doesn’t mean you’re straight in. So, approach them respectfully. If you roll up as though it’s a simple task, then your chances are very, very slim. And if you’re trashed and slurring, forget about it – they hate that shit. Don’t get me wrong, Brazilian women are sexy as hell and will show you some of the greatest times you’ll ever have. But, only if you’re deserving of it.

Look for the opening.

This really only works if you have good genetics on your side. If you’re one of those lucky bastards who was blessed with great genes, you know life’s easier for you. In the game of romance, this is truer than anywhere else. So, if you’re confident you have a little Julian Wilson-style structuring, than just try to make eye contact. If you lock in for more than three seconds, smile. If she smiles back, well, half of the work is done. She likes you. It’s up to you to not fuck it up now.

Be funny, and original.

Now, if you didn’t identify with the previous point, then your looks alone won’t do much convincing. You have to be charming. And, funny. Brazilian men aren’t shy and the girl you’re talking to has probably heard every pick up line conceivable. So, be original – no cheesy lines. And, learn a few words in Portuguese. Seriously. Brazilian girls often find a gringo trying to speak their language (with strong foreign accent) to be the cutest thing ever. In fact, don’t lose the accent! It works wonders.

Enjoy the game.

One of the most intriguing things about having the pleasure of a Brazilian girl’s company is that you can’t assume a thing. It doesn’t matter if you’re kissing, half naked – that still doesn’t mean you’ll get to turn the lights off. You have to play the game of cat and mouse. You never know, until the very last minute. But that’s what makes it interesting. You have to earn it. And once you do, you’ll see it was all worth it.

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