Stab Magazine | Does Kelly Slater Need To Pay For Sex And Get A DUI?

Does Kelly Slater Need To Pay For Sex And Get A DUI?

The road to number 12. 

style // May 27, 2019
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Is Kelly Slater back?

That’s the question everyone is asking, but it’s stupid because the answer is obvious. He has attended one of those Hillary Clinton parties where you eat people and now his competitive fire has been raging (no offense Malibu) and he wants to rip heads off so to speak. But in order to come back, he has to actually come back from something.

And what is he coming back from?

A few years in his 40s in which he surfed better than what anyone should ever expect from a 40-year-old? That Joe Rogan podcast? A foot injury? (lol)

These things are beige as fuck. Everyone knows the further you stray away from glory, the greater the comeback. Just ask Tiger Woods.

DUIs are the national pastime of Florida and Southeast Asia is known for cheap labor. Nobody seems to mind that he pays them for making surfboards, but if he paid them for making love it would be an international headline — a perfect valley to set up for the peak of his 12th World Title.

Something to consider as he definitely wouldn’t be the first bald guy getting all sweaty in Singapore on a business trip.

On to the rankings.

#69 The Judging  

There seems to be a noticeable difference in the scoring since Derek Rabelo took over as head judge. But they really do have the hardest job in the world. Except for the jobs of the people in Southeast Asia who make all our surfboards and pretty much any other job in the world.

#34 Lakey Peterson Crisanto

This guy should look into staging an acai bowl related fight with someone on the QS to get us to start paying attention to him. Michael Dunphy seems pretty angry, try him.

#30 Jack Freestone

I haven’t seen someone who is this incredibly talented struggle so much on tour since Jack Freestone two years ago. If they just confused him into thinking that every heat was actually for the Red Bull Airborne then he’d be Top 10 easy.

#28 The Environment

Plastic bottles are bad and all but when is Parley going to start making shoes out of the catastrophe that is Bali’s social environment?

#27 Eli Hanneman

Very Gabriel Medina with the ridiculous talent and the whole face thing. Not sure how much body hair he has at the age of 16, but those curly little forerunners that you get in your armpit during puberty better watch the fuck out because Gillette’s radar knows no bounds.

#23 Justin “Jug Head” Alport

Coming in hot on the WSL’s Instagram page always earns you SPF points.

#21 Adriano de Souza

Just reminding you that he’s not off Tour, just injured. He’s going to come back stronger than ever, which should be terrifying to anyone ranked between 13th – 17th on Tour right now.

#20 Joan Duru

The best thing about surfing is that you can beat a John John Florence in one heat only to lose to a Wade Carmichael the next.

#19 Leonardo Fioravanti

The second best thing about surfing is that you can beat a Gabriel Medina in one heat only to lose to an Ace Buchan the next.

#17 Ryan Callinan

Every time someone calls him R Cal, a wave doesn’t go his way in a heat. And a dolphin dies. And somebody purchases Laird Hamilton’s coffee creamer. And a shark is born. And the sea level rises slightly, making Pipeline a worse wave. And then the person who bought Laird Hamilton’s coffee creamer goes surfing.

#15 Wilian Cardoso

While his performance in the event was less than stellar, the man they call the Panda put on an absolute clinic on the dance floor alongside Yago Dora. Save a couple nasi gorengs for the kids!

#12 Ace Buchan

I love Ace but if he won the World Title it would almost be as funny as when Adriano did.

#10 Cocaine

Not sure why this is news now as Bali has always had a staunch policy on the bag. In most cultures, it is cut with laxatives or laundry detergent so I guess it is pretty innovative to make it out of plastic bottles. Also, sick 3D bro.

#9 Jordy Smith

He punches surfboards like Filipe used to do turns.

#8 Italo Ferreira

Shit result, but the clips he’s been dropping make it clear that he’s the most progressive guy to hit Bali since whichever 1990s pro kick-started the transgender acceptance movement in surfing by hooking up with someone with an Adam’s apple in a Kuta back alley.

#5 Kanoa Igarashi

J-Bay is a place where big changes happen in one’s life. Just ask Mick or Paul Sargent. Kanoa has been a different surfer since J-Bay last year. He’s got Great White like precision and his confidence seems unmolested by the ups and downs of life on the CT.

And just like that, the surfer hailing from Huntington Beach, Japan is second in the world. He may not have the yellow jersey, but he does have yellow hair which has won three out of the three events this year and could be key in Margarine River.

#4 John John Florence

This year, he lost to Joan Duru. Last year, he lost to Jesse Mendes. The year before that, there wasn’t a contest at Keramas which means he pretty much lost to the Oi Rio Pro.

In 2013, he got 19.20 points and still lost to Parko, who surfed a perfect heat. It appears as though he has been cursed ever since. The only way to rectify this curse is to make a movie with Mick Fanning and Dean Morrison.

#3 Steph Gilmore.

A lot of people are saying her wave in the final was the best of the entire event on either side of the draw, but can you imagine what would have went down if Sally got that wave? It could have been at least a 7.33, which is otherwise known as a Bede.

#2 Kelly Slater

Anybody else notice the WSL making a conscious effort to ALWAYS refer to him as the Greatest Of All Time now, like it’s something new? I thought that was just universally understood. Saying it all the time is like repeating the fact that Caio Ibelli has never won an event.

#1 Jeremy Flores

Jeremy has reached that magic hour of his career where he doesn’t give a fuck. Guy just wants to get really tubed. Think he’s waking up at 3 AM every day with Kolohe Andino? Hell no. You guys can do all that, Jeremy will just hang out, maybe have a few beers, and still fuck you up with his rail.

That is what speed, power and flow is all about.

Meditation of the event

My vote is Jimmy’s. Namaste.


Conspiracy theory

Caroline Marks is a ploy put forward by an elite collective of Karl Marx’s followers in hopes that they can demonstrate the exploitation of the proletariat in surfing and in turn influence the general public to buy Need Essentials.

The fact that he’s already been playing mind games is irrefutable proof of this playbook’s legitimacy. However, he’s going to do the whole Tiger Woods thing if he wants to make it happen this year.


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