Real Talk: Did Kai Neville Ruin Jordy Smith’s Life?

Do you have a goal in life?

Like, something you want to do before you die. Something grandiose or significant that will make it feel like your time on this earth fucking meant something.

I do — it’s to trick Kelly Slater into an argument on Instagram.

I got him to reply @ me a few times, but he’s never fully taken my bait. There’s time, though. Still got at least a good 3-5 years left in me.

Anyway, it’s safe to say that a surfer of Jordy Smith’s caliber would have the goal of winning a World Title. Which is a shame because popular filmmaker Kai Neville ruined that for him. Ruined his whole damn life.

How?

Answer below, in this special pre-season edition of the SPF Ratings.

#69 The WSL’s Longboarding Tour

Lol.

#33 Adriano de Souza

If Miguel Pupo taught us anything, it’s that airs can still look kind of boring — oh and that there are certain things a grown man with braces simply cannot do.

Can’t chew gum. Can’t nail a good tongue twister. Can’t make out with other braces people. And you can’t make heats on the CT.

Now that Adriano is embracing the #FightForTheBite, could this be the end for your beloved Mineirinho?

#25 Michael Rodriguez

Yo, his main sponsor is fire.

#22 Kelly Slater

The injury looks 100 percent healed — it takes a lot of foot strength to punt a board like this out to there to the masses.

#21 Barron Mamiya

Not on tour, doesn’t matter, did you see his edit? Damn.

#18 Mick Fanning

The decision to charge money for Stab In The Dark after revealing the winner months prior has been heralded by some of the greatest business minds of this generation in comment threads on our site and social media platforms alike.

It’s become the source of the most heated conversation since the last time Denny’s raised their prices. Ham. Eggs. So polarizing.

Mick is in true goodbye CT tearing mode in it. If you can’t afford to spend the $8, just bait somebody into a strange argument on the WSL’s social media, DM me the proof and I’ll send you a download code.  

#16 Mikey Wright

While plowing through shit in an oversized truck doesn’t seem like adequate training for competition at the most elite level of surfing, this approach did seem to work for him last year.

#15 Jordy Smith

Stay Woke Theory Of The Pre Season: The Pyramid from Modern Collective cursed him into never winning a World Title. Can’t go around taunting the Illuminati like that. Dane touched it too and how many World Titles does he have? Thanks, Kai Neville. 

#13 Mr. Business Kanoa Igarashi

The most unpredictable surfer on Tour — is he gonna surf like he did at J-Bay or talk his opponent into a long-term investment strategy that is sensitive to their risk tolerance yet forges a path towards their overall financial objectives? The only way to find out is to tune in. #YouCantScriptThis

#12 Ricardo Christie

He’s the Kiwi Filipe Toledo — just look at all this procreation he’s achieved at only 30 years of age. He already seems like the happiest fella on tour. Just been lounging around eating melons with his family of Golden Retrievers. Not sure if it will factor into his success this year but I’m coming along for the ride.

#10 Seaman John John Florence

Incredible seaman. He just knows how to navigate his way to the destination quicker, and safer, than the rest of the pack. Kind of the name of the game in the seaman world.

He’s either going to get 1st or 7th this year. You heard it here first.

#8 Ryan Callinan

Name one CT surfer who can photograph a laundromat better than this. You can’t.

#7.33 Kolohe Andino

Spending time in the mountains is a tradition amongst people from San Clemente. Each winter, they gather a crew, grab some snowboards, head up to Mammoth, do a few laps and maybe bludgeon a few women with blocks of ice. Classic SC. Pedro’s Tacos for the soul.

Like many San Clementians before him, Brother seems to have enjoyed his time up there. And he’s been dropping some heat on the Gram. I predict that he will contend for contending for a World Title this year and that isn’t a typo.

#5 Caroline Marks

Love her, but you can’t go half-Occ. You gotta go full-Occ. Bury some boards in France, never write an email in your life type shit. From my perspective, that’s her only path to the Title that I believe she deserves.

#3 Seth Moniz

Just for looking the most comfortable around Kobe Bryant. Kolohe looks a bit Marzoish. Seabass looks like he snuck in (did he?). And everyone else looks existentially perplexed.  

#2 Gabriel Medina

Takes some real confidence to dress up in a weird tigerish sweater with an earring like this and do a photoshoot. And I’m calling it a brilliant marketing move by Rip Curl.

By dressing him up in this shit, the consumer comes to realize that maybe wearing a logo tee and some dad jeans really isn’t so bad after all.

#1 Italo Ferreira

His Instagram clips are so good that we, the general public, embrace the shirtless selfies like this in anticipation for the next banger. Long live the king.

And a few new columns to start the year. More to come.

Kelly Slater playbook

To be updated per his CT ranking as the year progresses.