A Paranoid Surfer’s Guide To Effective Home Protection

Yet another gun debate is roiling across the American landscape and I find myself sitting somewhere near the middle of the spectrum.


I like guns, truly.

Whether you’re blasting a hunk of metal at a stationary target, or a delicious living creature, there’s a lot to like.

Target shooting teaches one to control their body, find a calm focus.  

Hunting is, by and large, a very positive thing. It’s important that we carnivores understand the ramifications of eating flesh. Experiencing the sense of tragedy that comes from taking a life, getting your hands dirty as you dismantle and prepare a once-living, breathing, feeling, creature whose life you ended, one could argue, prematurely—it builds a connection to the food going on your plate that inevitably leads to a preference for animal’s more humane treatment and healthy living conditions.

Which is why, in the context of the gun debate, the vast majority of hunters will admit: a second shot is embarrassing. A third is downright shameful.

Four and above fall into ‘who-the-fuck-invited-this-bozo?’ territory.  

Which is to say: there’s no need for high capacity semi-automatic weapons. Not for hunters.

Those types of firearms are better placed within the Home Protection debate, something which I strongly suspect is rooted in American’s purportedly god-given right to harbor a hero fantasy wherein you murder someone sans consequence in defense of your property.

Advocates might argue that the Second Amendment applies to everyone, regardless of where they fall on the pantone chart, but history has shown that to be untrue.

But calling people racist just seems to make them even more racist these days. So I’m not gonna harp on it.

I’ll just accept that there’s a massive group of my countrymen who live in a constant state of fear, for whatever reason, and move on…

…to finding solutions!



Even if the Filthy Liberals come knocking there are all sorts of weapons just as cool as actual firearms you can use to protect Kith and Kin. Items you can purchase, online, without the hassle of safety training, age restrictions, or background checks!

And honestly they’re just as effective as a real gun when you need to attack that lurching, shadowy form of your drunken spouse one night.



Fiskars 29 Inch Machete Axe

For those who swing.


I received one of these bad boys as a gift not long ago, so I can vouch for how fucking cool it is. So cool that I’ve taken to giving them as gifts, something the Stab office can vouch for as I recently included it in a parcel of weapons I had shipped to them one drunken night.

It’s a more or less useless for its intended utilitarian purpose, combining the worst characteristics of both machete and axe.

Too large and unwieldy for light work; too weak and light for heavy work.

But, let me tell you, when you’ve got all ten fingers wrapped around its extended hilt, swinging it over your head like Conan the fucking Barbarian, you feel like a man! Like you could fight off a bear! Or a marauding band of ‘thugs.’ (Did someone hear a dog whistle?)

SEAC Asso 30cm Pneumatic Speargun

Nothing says certified psychopath like a grown man wielding a speargun wearing a bathrobe in their living room.

Another alcohol-induced late night Amazon order, my 30cm spear pistol stands tall among the best $120 purchases I’ve ever made.  

Yes, the range is awful underwater, and the hassle of keeping it pressurized makes a band gun far superior…

But ask yourself this: if you were robbing a house, and the homeowner suddenly confronted you, which would be more terrifying in his trembling hands, A normal gun, that shoots puny little pieces of metal?  

Or a cheaply-made plastic pistol that fires a barbed, 12.5 inch long, fucking harpoon using an integrated pressure canister?  

It could go off at any moment!  

The burglar will quickly realize the person they’ve attempted to victimize is, obviously, an unhinged maniac with little to no regard for their own well-being. You best get to runnin’!

Superpower Stainless Hunting Slingshot Catapult with Laser


It’s got a fricken’ laser on its head.


I don’t use My Slingshot very often for one simple reason: it scares the living shit out of me.

 I originally purchased My Slingshot in response to a complaint from my Nosy Old Lady Neighbor. She takes issue with my ongoing feud with our local feral rooster population and has attempted, multiple times, to put and end to my daily efforts slaughtering every single one that sets foot on our property. 

Unfortunately for her, everyone else in the neighborhood is more than fine with me exterminating the invasive birds that spend each morning screaming their fool heads off.

Unfortunately for me, she employed multiple means of bitching, until one took. Specifically, that she suffers from PTSD after being Robbed At Gunpoint, twenty years ago, and the Mere Sight Of A Gun gives her Panic Attacks.

How that relates to my groggy, shirtless, shoeless, predawn front yard hunting excursions is beyond me.

It also ignores the fact that she onced asked me to come shoot the rats in her yard while she was dealing with an infestation. (I didn’t. Because I don’t like her.)  

But our dispute was wearing on those around us, and in an effort to be cooperative I decided to try a less ‘intimidating’ option.

 It turns out killing a rooster with My Slingshot is very difficult.

The 10mm ball bearings I use as ammunition have an awful tendency to ricochet when I miss my target. Which is every single time.

This state of affairs may, or may not, be related to the dimple in Nosy Old Lady Neighbor’s car’s exterior, which I saw her examining not long ago.

 Make no mistake, with enough practice, you could kill something, or someone with My Slingshot. 

Without sufficient practice you’ll likely kill, or severely injure, yourself.  

Which is why I decided the better option was to just purchase a quieter air rifle, attempt to keep it out of her sight, and deny deny deny when she bitches to my landlord.

Which has been very effective, and bring us to the next option in the Surfer’s Guide To Effective Home Defense…

Crosman Nitro Venom Break Barrel Air Rifle

Editor’s Note: This thing scares me.

Air rifles are almost totally unregulated in Hawaii. While there’s a common misconception that they’re merely toys, you can very easily get one that’s as powerful as a small firearm delivered to your door within a week, with the click of a button.

Prices increase with power and caliber, but the .22 Crosman Nitro Venom is affordable and capable of leaving silver dollar sized exit wounds in any wild fowl unfortunate enough to make a racket outside my bedroom window at 5am.

It is also, unfortunately, powerful enough to penetrate several inches of soil with enough force left over to pierce the PVC pipe of my Friendly Neighbor’s sprinkler system.  

Which is why, several days ago, I found myself knocking on their front door in the early morning, saying, “I did something really stupid, and I’m very sorry, and I’ll obviously pay for any repairs…”

Crosman Pioneer Airbow

“Whether I can actually shoot it, without facing charges, remains unclear.”

I don’t own an airbow, yet. But it’s only a matter of time before I find an absolutely nonsensensical justification for purchasing a $1000+ bolt-thrower.  

Currently I’ve been hampered by the fact that, while I can legally own it, whether I can actually shoot it, without facing charges, remains unclear. And four-figure impulse purchases are still out of my economic reach.

But, come on, look at this thing! It’s straight out of a redneck fever dream… And, if you’ve got any felony convictions, you’re in luck!  

The fact that it uses pressurized air to fire the bolt makes it a firearm under many states’ laws, and therefore “prohibited” for felons to own. But it hasn’t yet been used to commit any crimes. Which means that no one will pester you with questions during purchase.