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Stab Podcast: The Great Surfboard Catfishing Scheme

A how-to guide for nefarious net crawlers.

stabfm // Mar 5, 2022

Words by Michael Ciaramella

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Every time we publish a Joyride, we also give away a custom version of that same board to one lucky Stab Premium member. (Psssst, get your own Haydenshapes Raven here.)

Winners are chosen based on a number of factors, but chief among them is how well the respondents answer a specific prompt about the board being tested. These prompts have no right or wrong answer.

Example:
Board – The LSD Hammer (a step-up)
Prompt – Tell us about a time you desperately needed more foam.

As the official board-winner-picker, I’m looking for someone who truly deserves the board in question. An entertaining response helps your case, but I generally go for depth over a cheap giggle.

All that being said, I think our recent Joyride board winner is the most deserving of them all.

The brand providing the board was Surfboard Broker, which sells and trades second-hand surfboards in locations across the US. As such, the prompt for this board giveaway was as follows:

Tell us your best hand-me-down surfboard story.

From this prompt, I received a range of responses — some grandiose, others paltry. But one story gripped me like bully on a shirt collar. The following was submitted by a woman named Ashley Uy:

I found a barely used CI Neckbeard 2 on Craigslist for $400. In my dimensions! No pressure dents, not even a tail pad on it. The seller was up in Huntington Beach, a couple hours north of me.

Probably too good to be true, and such a great deal, I thought for sure I was going to be surfboard catfished.

Well, surfboard needs override safety and logic, so I drove up there with my pocket knife wedged into skinny jeans, thinking I am at least 10% safer meeting this stranger.

The guy met me on the street and said the board was up in his apartment. Solo women’s intuition alarmed “you will be kidnapped!” But I dismissed the alarm because I had the knowledge that I watched a YouTube video once on using a pocket knife as a protection tool.

Long story short, board was pristine, I handed him my slightly warm cash, that was also wedged into my skinny jeans, and I drove home safe, alive, and happy as can be.

Almost 3 years later, board still works great. Worth it!

Ashley even included a photo for good measure.

She keeps a pocket knife in her wetty, too. Just in case.

I chose Ashley as the winner for two main reasons:
1. The world needs more people who love surfing enough to risk their lives for a second-hand NB2.
2. I never want her to have to do that again.

When discussing this story with Buck on The Drop, he found Ashley’s concept of “surfboard catfishing” on Craigslist intriguing.

“What would that look like?” Buck openly pondered.

After a bit of back and forth, we decided that it would be too egregious to post a photo of one board and then try to sell someone a compeltely different board upon arrival. So, we opted for the more traditional form of catfishing: posting a “younger” photo of the board for sale — before all the bumps, bruises, and sun spots set in — and seeing if the buyer notices that it’s more “mature” upon arrival.

To be more specific…

Currently available for $300 in my area. Also hot milfs looking to have some fun, who knew.

How To Surfboard-Catfish Someone:

1. When you get a new board, take photos of it from every angle in a poorly-lit garage — same as every other degenerate posting on Craigslist, FB marketplace, Gumtree etc.
2. Go surf on that board. A lot.
3. Once the board has been sufficiently thrashed, but with no significant structural damage, upload the “new board” images to your preferred re-selling site and price the unit somewhere between its brand-new value and actual value. Make no mention of the board’s age or condition.
4. Sit, wait, and bite down hard on the first cash-bearing fist that enters your premises. If they ask why the board looks older than it does in the photos, get defensive. Pace back and forth. Spit on the ground. Blame the garage for poor lighting. The goal here is to make them think you’re a little crazy, and to believe that not buying the board would be a mistake.
5. Accept their payment via cash, Venmo, or Bitcoin

Congratulations, you’ve just surfboard-catfished someone.

Also on this week’s episode of The Drop (find it above or on Apple Pod/Soundclud — keyword: ‘Stab Podcasts’)…