Stab Magazine | The Pick-Up: Why Brazilians Rule Hawaii, And Please Lose The Loose Handshake

The Pick-Up: Why Brazilians Rule Hawaii, And Please Lose The Loose Handshake

“If you say something about Gabe, there are thousands of [Brazilian fans] who will kill you. They’ve got a country that doesn’t play.” – Joel Tudor

Words by stab

Welcome to the Thursday morning edition of The Pick-Up, Stab and Vans twice-weekly variety show filmed on location in Hawaii for the Vans Triple Crown of Surfing. 

On this episode of the banana-tinted talk show, we chatted with longboard World Champion, jiu-jitsu Pan-Am Champion, and prolific Instagram critic Joel Tudor. Here are a few of the things we covered:

Slater’s Getting A TV Show

For the past week in Hawaii, Slater’s been followed by three broadcast-quality cameras for the filming of his 24/7 episode—HBO’s panoramic inspection of Kelly’s mental and physical preparation for potentially his last CT event, the Pipeline Masters. It should air on December 3rd. 

Gossip Girl: Surfers outsourcing social media obligations to managers and significant others.

While having a presence on social media is now a major aspect of being a professional surfer (you should see how much space Instagram specs eat up in their sponsor contracts), not all of our favorite spinsters enjoy the extra screentime. That’s why some of them, most notably John Florence (whose daily screentime doesn’t break the hour mark!) and Kolohe Andino, have outsourced their IG obligations to managers and significant others, so they can spend more time stickering surfboards or soaking in ice baths. 

Slater, clearly, is not part of this digital detachment movement. 

Brazilian fans will kill you, according to Joel Tudor.

With three Brazilians in the Men’s Title race, there will be hundreds if not thousands of their countrymen and women flocking to the North Shore in the coming weeks, and they are not fucking around.

“If you fuck with one of them, you’ll die,” our guest, Tudor, proclaimed. “If you say something about Gabe, there are thousands of people who will kill you. Kill you. They’ve got a country that don’t play. America’s soft. We don’t do that anymore.”

Butter Knives: Nathan Fletcher’s noseless, parent-painted, quad-finned “water skateboard”. 

Joel Tudor claims that anyone riding a quad set-up in waves of consequence can thank Nathan Fletcher for pushing that paradigm to new heights. We’ll take his word for it. 

Kittens and Lions: kill the limp handshake.

After initially naming the Pipeline boogie fight as his Kitten, Joel turned his rage to the limp handshake that plagues men and women of the modern generation.

So firm it up, lads. 


Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up


Most Recent

Here’s Everything We’ve Learned About Hawaii’s Viral Jet Ski Saga

One question remains unanswered.


A Photo Sequence We Couldn’t Help But Share

Yes it's a step-off, and no we don't care.


Your Increasingly Popular Weekly Vlog Roundup

Click or Miss Vol.9


Inside the Roaring 2000s at Quiksilver, Part 2 of 3

Jamie Tierney shares the ups and downs of Dane's days at Quiksilver. "How does a…


How A Potentially Lethal Wetsuit Allergy Turned Into Overnight Art Success

“I figured that if the old guys pre-70's could be tough enough to surf through…


Gabe Morvil’s Portugese Smorgasbord

All the clips from a pre-covid trip with Metal Neck.


Hawaii Report: The Day The Eddie Didn’t Run

Oahu was massive today. Here are some photos to prove it.


Skegss Are Not A Surf Band

The remarkable musical ascension of three boys from unremarkable coastal towns.


Taj Burrow’s Stab in the Dark (Arts) Shaper Reveal

Plus, an official premiere date!


Influential Hawaiian Icon Ben Aipa Has Passed Away

Rest In Power


If you’re an A-list surfer, there’s a good chance you’ve invested in booze

From hard seltzer to hard kombucha to new beer brands and even non-alcoholic beverages, see…


John Florence’s Last Sessions of 2020

Come see the Hi-Pro Flo-Bros inside.


The Fwd: What’s The Most Questionable Surfboard Trend You’ve Followed?

Let's cringe together.


Rage Crew In Need of Jetski



Reef Heazlewood Wants To Teach You How To Do Airs

Go big and bend ze knees!


First & Last: How Many Boards Does Yago Dora Bring on a 7-Day Surf Trip?

The answer might surprise you.


Lessons Learned: Selema Masekela (Free)

On surfing, growing up, and difficult conversations. This voice of action sports shares his path…


Two Hyper-Critical Minds Discuss Their Favorite Surfers of 2020

Some of these names might surprise you.